Between decades

In a few short days and nights, a new decade will dawn. The week leading into the new year is the time I take to reflect on the past year, and in this case, decade.

It was ten years ago, before the birth of the new millenium. that my marriage ended, even though it took another six years to finalize the divorce.

I have been living as a 'single', mostly alone, during that time. After spending more than half my life as part of a 'couple', I needed to learn how to be 'my independent self'; a separate, unique and whole individual.

I believe I have succeeded in the accomplishment of that task. I relish my independence now, yet hope for a life partner to share the best parts of myself.

Not just anyone will suffice. I have had much male interest, and a few 'courtship' proposals from good men, who would make wonderful husbands.

None of them were my counterpart. That knowledge prevented me from making, what I believe would have been, a mistake.

I would rather live my life alone than settle for less than 'the last love of my life', my soul mate.

Approaching Christmas

December 22nd means two more nights, then 'magic' time begins, or is it time for the 'Magi' to appear???

I must clarify that I use the word 'magic' to describe a sense of wonder to the mystery of the unknown, rather than as wizardy or trickery.

Since childhood, when my Dad convinced me that Santa could come down a 'chimney' with no fireplace, and through a trapdoor in the basement, I have believed in magic, especially on Christmas Eve.

As I learned to appreciate the true meaning of Christmas, the wonderment only grew brighter in my eyes. Add some large, softly-falling snowflakes to a velvety night, and the stage is set.

Last night, at an early Christmas service of light, the magic began sooner than anticipated.

As this is the first year without my Mom, I decided to remember her and other loved ones I have lost at this special candlelight service. I invited members of the DivorceCare group I facilitate to join me, and lo and behold, all but one did.

I found my grief was turned to peace in attending to those around me.

The child who brings light and love to the world settled deep within my heart and soul, and I feel ready to face the possibility of being alone until my children join me the day after Christmas.

Magically, I know I am always surrounded by family.

Escapism

As this date marks the five month anniversary of my mother's death, it is important for me to write here today.

After a one week 'escape' in a beautiful setting, I have come home to realize that even though I am now relaxed and ready to prepare for Christmas, my grief remains. I cannot really escape from the pain, only delay my reaction to it.

This day is cloudy and cool, which has a way of eliciting a teary feeling from me. Nostalgic Christmas music provides a melancholy background.

My siblings and family will gather this weekend to have an early celebration. Without my Mom at the centre, I am unsure how we each will relate and react. It will unfold naturally, of that I am certain.

I have just learned that my Christmas Day might not be as full as I had hoped, this first year without my Mom, and without both of my parents.

My children will be with their father and his second family for their dinner Christmas Eve, and the drive back the next day is unpredictable at this time of year. I will cook my traditional dinner and hope for the best.

Another 'escape' comes to mind, although I know my feelings and thoughts follow me wherever I go. A friend is travelling on Christmas Day and I am tempted to join her for the week.

However, 'escapism' is only temporary.

It is time for me to use my own grief to help others cope with the holidays.

Those who have experienced similar losses understand one another as others cannot.

My grief healing journey can be viewed as a gift to be passed on to others in their quest for relief. It is my responsibility to use it wisely.

Last Saturday of the month

A dreary, cold November day, this Saturday, and I am glad I chose not to hike today.

Not often I would admit to that, but there it is. I prefer brighter, and a little warmer days, at least not the kind of damp cold that seeps into my bones.

I know I will miss the woods, though, and all it offers me this weekend.

I have planned to conserve my energy for other things this week in preparation of a little 'escape'.

A friend and I decided to share expenses so that we could both get out of the cold and rejuvenate, in anticipation of this fast-approaching Christmas.

We are both grieving losses, albeit different kinds, and the reprieve will hopefully enable us to both achieve not only a change of scenery, but also a little 'perspective'. I have learned that sometimes the 'widescreen view' can only come with distance.

I find I am procrastinating though, and here I am writing instead of doing what needs to be done and quickly. I think I need to fulfill one of my passions today, and writing is that 'one'.

However, I will limit my time here today, and there is only one more thing I want to share.

After the DivorceCare group I facilitated this past Thursday evening, I did not feel the devastating effects of the previous week. In fact, my sense of humour escalated to the point that I responded to an email that evening with a heightened sense of playfulness, unlike me of late!

There are probably many reasons I felt more normal, the most important being that my spirit was uplifted during this session, as opposed to burdened.

When I 'let go and let God', as I did this time, my load is lightened and I reap the reward as do all those I serve . . .

Giving Thanks

As the American Thanksgiving approaches, and Christmas in fast pursuit, it is time to count my many blessings in this life.

I regularly do this anyway, especially in October (Canadian Thanksgiving), yet it seems appropriate to consider them here, in my blog.

I am truly thankful for my children. They are by far the greatest gifts in my life. Not a day goes by that I don't think about them and feel blessed.

I was also given intelligence, creativity, sensitivity, grace and genetics bestowing a youthful beauty. I am very fortunate indeed.

My parents (even though now deceased), siblings, and their families provide stability and unconditional love in my life, and an important sense of history.

My variety of friends offer wondrous gifts of their unique individuality, and bring different dimensions of love to my life and being.

In spite of my losses and limitations, I am grateful for each day as it appears before me.

Opportunities have been presented to me that others have never been fortunate to have.

I had a lengthy marriage and numerous happy memories from that union, as a couple and then as a family.

During that 'lifetime' spanning 28 years, I had the privilege of enjoying the fruits of a successful business and wealth for at least several of those years.

I have travelled extensively in North America, the Caribbean and Hawaiian Islands, and plan to explore more of this planet before I leave this earth.

In my professional careers I was able to share my knowledge and experience with others and am grateful for those years. As a volunteer, I am still able to serve and help people.

I was blessed with a loving heart and soul which I attempt to open to others through the mantra of, "Care deeply, love generously, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God" . . .

November 22nd

After more than a few days of allowing myself to grieve and experience my pain, I joined a new friend on a hike in an area I have never before traversed. I am grateful for her gracious invitation, and especially for her friendship.

It was a beautiful day for an outing, and afterward I am feeling more calm and content, more 'normal'. My soul is well-fed. This is what being in nature, while hiking with others, does for me.

I do not want to lose this peacefulness within my being.

Definitely, one of my priorities has to be 'to live' by regularly participating in fast-paced walking/hiking in the natural world. My preference would be to enjoy this activity with at least one other person.

I am ready to begin the upcoming week, and to see where it will take me . .

November 20th

The day after the night before!

I never thought facilitating divorce recovery groups could affect me the way a 'party' used to do.

I know it is my grief surfacing, as the holiday season without my Mom for the first time approaches, as well as 'spreading myself too thin', that is rendering me in this state.

I have to nurture myself as I counsel others to do. I must be kind to myself and allow the tears to cleanse me once again, as these waves wash over me.

I need to give myself permission to 'wallow' in self-pity, at least for a little while, before getting on with living . . .

Back to Reality

Lately, I have been faced with some difficult facts.

As a writer, I can choose the best time to focus energy on my passion. As a hiker, I can also plan and prepare for the particular type of hike I choose, which is usually one per week or every other week, and take the time I need to recuperate afterward.

The DivorceCare groups I facilitate, as a volunteer at my church, present a different challenge.

The structure of needing to be there each week at the same time on the same evening is proving to be difficult.

Once per week I can plan and prepare before, and take time to recover following the group evening.

However, I am confronted with my loss after each session, the loss of being able to counsel professionally as a vocation. The exhaustion I feel is profound and the emotional effort is depleting my resources.

I find that two groups per year is more than enough for me, and I need to take several months off after facilitating two back-to-back groups.

The reward I feel in helping separated and divorced individuals outweighs the negative effects on my mind and body, and that is what keeps me engaged in this process. My spirit is healed as God leads me to serve others.

I am trying to find additional ways to continue to use my professional expertise within my limits, through writing (unpaid) articles related to 'break-ups', just as I am attempting to discover my physical boundaries in hiking.

The irony is that in each of these activities, as they help me to grieve the loss of my mother, the losses of my health and career become more self-evident.

I have no reserves left for other mundane but necessary tasks.

The withdrawals of my energy are beginning to exceed the deposits, and I need to re-evaluate my priorities and find my balance.

November 15, 2009

Today is the four month anniversary of my mother's death, and I feel it necessary to mark the date here, in my grief/healing journal.

There have been some 'first' (without Mom) important dates in my life in these brief months since she died, and a big holiday will soon be here in December, that being Christmas.

There is a void now that only she could fill. My siblings, family and I would get together with Mom at the centre, and I am now uncertain how this year's holiday will unfold.

I wish I could escape and ignore the happy time and festivities that are beginning already. The stores are decorated and Christmas music is playing for shoppers. It is all too soon and overwhelming.

As a single woman, I just haven't found the same joy in preparing for this season as I did when married, and now without my mother to plan around, I feel less enthused than ever.

In past years, I would always wait until after my youngest daughter's birthday in November before planning for the holiday anyway, but this year I feel like ignoring it altogether.

I try to hold the spirit of Christmas in my heart all year. It is the commercial celebration I can do without.

Maybe as time passes and December 25th draws near, I will feel differently . . .

Remembrance Day/Veterans Day

November 11th is always a time for reflection and remembrance of all of the men and women who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom.

For me, it is also a day of memories of loved ones who have died. The tears are falling even though the sun is shining.

My father was a veteran in WWII and even though he was not able to participate overseas, he was responsible for maintaining the aircraft in Canada that carried our pilots and crew into battle, and home again.

My mother's brother was an air gunner who did see action, and in fact his heroism, saving crew from his burning aircraft, garnered him a distinguished medal.

He returned from the war, although not without the cost of suffering from post traumatic stress and alcoholism the rest of his short life.

I personally know only one living veteran today, and that war was more recent.

The horror of any war must stay with the soldiers who were there, wherever and whenever they witnessed, and/or participated in, the brutality of killing other human beings. Healing must come slowly, and I cannot imagine they ever fully recover from the experience.

Their loved ones must feel the effects of this pain as well.

My heart weeps for the living as well as the dead. God bless your souls . . .

November 9, 2009

Nine days into November and it feels like 'spring is in the air'. October was a 'wash out', literally, and we deserve a reprieve, knowing that winter is hot on November's heels.

Speaking of 'hot heels', no, not stilettos, I was hiking Saturday on the Trans Canada Trail. Since it was a flat trail, I imagined it would be kinder to my healing knees, which were tensor-bandaged, than the steep downhill terrain I have been attempting in recent weeks.

I purchased two retractable trekking poles to assist with my balance, as opposed to using my 'real wood' hiking stick. After the half-way mark, a kind gentleman, who joined the hike at that point, taught me how to use them properly, and then the next sector went by more quickly, although not without some blistering beginning on the bottom of my foot and heel. Then I knew I could go no further without great distress.

Unfortunately, I was only a short distance from the endpost, when I decided to be kind to myself and forget the competitive urge. Another metaphor for my life at present.

I have been the type of person who has had difficulty 'letting go' of people, careers, and other things most of my life, and am only recently allowing myself to do that, without guilt. Although I still haven't read and stored the sympathy cards. . .

My co-dependency kept me in a marriage far longer than was healthy. In the past few years I have been dating, yet have only chosen to 'be' with two men.

It seems I might be attracting men who are 'familiar', not necessarily those who are 'best' for me.

In a former post, I had mentioned that an old friend recently came back into my life, under sad circumstances, after an absence of several years.

She and I were co-workers who became good friends, then our husbands became friends, and our children as well.

We lost contact with each other shortly after the CFS was diagnosed, and before my marriage ended. Now, sadly, she is separated from her husband, and she sought me out, for which I am grateful.

She recently suggested the theory that it might not be my head nor my heart that I have been listening to, or that is in a disconnect in choosing men, but rather that I might be drawn to the familiarity of 'what is comfortable and known'.

We both were in long-term marriages with men whose needs we put before our own, as so many women who are caregivers do. Consequently, our careers and social lives took a back seat, and our husbands' dreams became our own. We worked hard to 'juggle' all of the balls in the family, as 'superwomen', and our husbands were happy to oblige.

Could it be that I might still be headed down this slippery slope? Perhaps my knees, while hiking steep downhill terrain, are warning me to no longer follow that path!

This possibility is a wake-up call!

Now is the time to let go of that 'old' life pattern, and replace it with a new philosophy.

My eldest daughter has taught me to 'expect the best' . . .

November 3rd

A new month, a fresh start. Actually every day is an opportunity to begin anew I’ve found, although some days it just takes me a little longer to realize that.

Today I am a ‘Twitterer’ after signing up last evening. I decided to join this world after attending an event last weekend featuring the ‘motivatorman’. He did provide some valid reasons to open myself to the possibility of expanding my horizons.

Since I have always preferred a ‘widescreen’ to a ‘full screen’, I will apply this concept to my life as well, and see what the periphery brings into view!

October 30th

As October ends, my season is changing as well.

I am overcome with a new sense of urgency to re-evaluate my life and relationships. Now is the time to let go of 'would be' love, to replace it with 'what is', and to be grateful.

That doesn't mean that the longing for my soul mate will ever end. It does mean that I will stop trying to make 'fantasy' become 'reality'. I will be patient and trust that we will find each other 'when the time is right'.

One year ago, I wrote a poem entitled, "Soul mates", which I hope to publish along with my other poetry, in a forum where I will have no 'intellectual property' issues.

Now I will refocus my time and energy.

The waves of grief overtook me yesterday, as I realized my mother's number is still on the speed dial of both my home and cellular phones.

At the same time, I discovered pictures of her on my cell phone, taken a few months before her health deteriorated.

The tears surfaced and subsided as the knowledge that she is not living in this realm any longer resonated deep within my soul.

This is reality. I need to continue moving forward, as the only constant in life is change . . .

October 21st

As October draws near its' end, my grief seems to be stabilizing, although I still haven't read the sympathy cards. They lay there on my mother's desk, waiting to be put away.

It is almost like burying my Mom all over again, and part of me doesn't want to let go. I feel that I must force myself to read the words before I lay them to rest out of view, just as I needed to see her in the casket before her burial.

Perhaps it is OK for me to just be, and let this happen spontaneously when I am ready. A good life lesson, actually...

October 15, 2009

The third month anniversary of my Mom's death is today. It is two months since my first blog was posted on this site.

Now that I am hiking, as much as possible, with and in nature, I am grieving more easily it seems. At least the waves are more like ripples these days, and the tears, when they fall, subside more quickly. I no longer feel like I am drowning. I know I will reach the light as I navigate to the end of each pipeline of tears.

My drifting is somewhat comforting. I need not know where I am headed, and the loss of my anchor allows me freedom to roam. The journey, not the destination, is my focus.

I still yearn for my soul mate, although I realize that I cannot control my destiny. I can only hope and pray that fate will bring him into focus on my journey of life.

October 13th

The day after Thanksgiving and I am hiked, and turkeyed out. . .

My Saturday hike, walking stick in tow, through the forks of the Credit River along the Bruce Trail to Belfountain, was one of the most picturesque, with Fall colours more prominent now.

The new group of hikers I met were like-minded people, and some of the gentlemen assisted me when my old injury resurfaced, during the steep, slippery downhill climbs.

A few minor injuries (it seems I did not wait long enough to heal the last round) left me somewhat immobilized on Sunday. I needed to get ready for Monday, as I was looking forward to cooking a Thanksgiving feast for my daughters and myself.

The meal, the company, and the ambience in my newly rearranged, expansive space, was a huge success. We had a wonderful visit and everyone enjoyed a delicious turkey dinner with all of the trimmings. I relish the time I get to spend conversing with my girls. I learn as much from them these days, as they have learned from me since their births :)

Today was one of rest, and reminiscing some of the times spent with my Mom and Dad. Childhood memories of feelings that are always deep in my soul stay with me, no matter what my age, as they are part of me.

It was a sunny, cold day and the tears did not fall, even though they were at the surface.

Friday

Here it is; a rainy, cold Friday leading into the long weekend, the day after my milestone birthday.

It was a wonderful week of celebrating my passage into a new decade of life. Family and friends gathered together to help me usher in the next phase of my growth.

Frankly, I feel no different, and I actually feel ageless most days. I know I am more fearless, and relish new opportunities to experience living as fully as possible.

Tomorrow I plan to hike with others in the woods near waterfalls, while negotiating uncertain terrain. My walking stick is a necessity this time.

My grief has been on hold for quite a few days now, as I have been preoccupied.

Today's rain triggers my own tears. I seem to cry with the sky. It is as if the heavens give me permission to let my tears fall, when the clouds open and release their own raindrops.

I feel a let down, after having been surrounded by family and friends consistently the past several days. Now I am alone again. I look forward to being with others tomorrow.

October 6th

Many days have passed since I have written here. Very fulfilling, busy days.

I recall in my last post, I hoped the next day would bring a rainbow. It took more than a day; in fact it took 4 days, and then in a 24 hour span I saw 5 rainbows, and 2 of them were double rainbows!! I believe that these were all very promising signs from loved ones who have died.

The cycle of life perpetually turns.

My journey of grief is leading me toward healing through challenging my senses, and testing my courage.

Recently, I walked a narrow, swaying plank in the treetops. No fear! The most difficult part for me was opening and closing the hooks that I placed on the cables.

I descended to the earth via 2 ziplines. Once again, I experienced no fear.

I am ready to spread my wings and not only fly, but soar to new heights :)

Tuesday

'Rainy days and Mondays', and now Tuesday is here, and not only rainy, but also windy and cold. Feels a lot like 'fall', in more ways than one.

More losses. The leaf-peeping trip is definitely not happening due to scheduling problems. Some disturbing news from a family member. An injury on my most recent hiking trip. For a few days my body and brain shut down and only tears would fall. I could sure use a call from my Mom; just to hear her voice would help to ground me. When I can't walk quickly on the earth, the waves of grief can and do reach me.

I just received a call, another loss, this time a first cousin who was my older brother's age. He and his family were very close to us when we were children growing up in the same city. He died Monday morning, his heart failed, he was young. Life is so fleeting and fragile. This very moment is all we have, and now I do not wish to spend this moment crying any longer.

Tomorrow will hopefully bring sunshine or perhaps a rainbow!

Thursday

Once again, 'the best laid plans'!! Yesterday, my autumn trip hit a bump in the road.

Timing in life is everything, and as it turns out my schedule might not be able to mesh with another's. Fate will need to intervene if this plan is meant to come to fruition.

Of course, this means that I again need to relinquish control, which makes me realize how little in life is actually within my power. 'Let go and let God'. When will I learn that lesson? I suppose my plans will be disrupted continually until I do!

As disappointed as I am that I may not see this other soul soon, I am grateful to let the universe determine the outcome. It tires me to try to make things happen, and a relief to just let go . . .

Tuesday

Yesterday was a rainy Monday, and matched my mood. Tears came to the surface readily, no matter what I did. I had to give myself a day of reprieve from life. I miss my Mom.

Today, although raining again, promises to be a better one. Last night I allowed myself the escape of a sleeping medication, which actually relaxed me enough to enjoy the night in slumber, and to wake relaxed, not groggy, this time.

I am planning a leaf peeping trip in October, and am hoping for brilliant crimson, scarlet and tangarine to show themselves. One never knows what the autumn will bring; however, and this season left with warmth, as fall begins.

It is great to have loyalty reward miles accumulated to offset the cost of this adventure. It is also an opportunity to get to know my long distance soul much better. Some apprehension is offset by hope. Hiking is on the agenda, and I long again for the rhythmic, energizing strides that keep me ahead of the waves of grief.

Sunday

Five days since my last post! I have been busy and consumed with living life, and little writing.

There have been moments of grief, and tears that are triggered by little reminders of my Mom. I am managing these times by allowing them to wash over me, and leave as quickly as they come. It's when I fight them that I find they linger.

I made a bold move yesterday, and over the past few days actually. I am not only changing my interior by selling more furniture; but also, my exterior by changing my hair colour, although a subtle difference. It has been several years since I have done this, and am uncertain that I like the result! The good news is that it is only hair, and in my case grows quickly.

I am seeking more excitement in my life, and have signed up for a zipline adventure with an outdoor club. Feeling the need to live life to the fullest is prompting me to take action to do so. I went on an urban hike Friday evening with some members from this club, and enjoyed the brisk walk through the park and along the waterfront, with a pub stop afterward to socialize. I was the oldest, yet one of the quickest members, on this outing! My self-confidence is boosted by this knowledge.

In hiking, I have found a way to move through my grief journey more serenely and actively. The powerful, 'alive' feeling that comes to me from a fast-paced hike is well worth the effort.

Today, after a late evening yesterday, celebrating an upcoming birthday with my youngest daughter, I was unable to rouse myself early enough to attend church. I miss the connection with others there, yet God I find is everywhere.

September 15, 2009

The two month anniversary of my mother's death is today. The sympathy cards are down, yet unread. This I will force myself to do before I put them away. A few tears is all I could handle. I prefer to stage this step in my journey.

The past three days have been very full.

A recent hike with others, in a wondrous Carolinian forest, tested my limits, challenging my endurance. I am happy to report only minor injuries and increased confidence. Of course some recuperation time would be in order, yet the next day I had arranged to meet a new friend at church and then have brunch afterward. I followed through with this plan, and made an early evening of it.

Yesterday, I volunteered at the annual fundraiser for the foundation set up by the parents of my nephew, who was killed in a car accident several years ago.

Today, it is little wonder that I am exhausted, and need to control my grieving. My reserves of energy are depleted, and I must make substantial deposits before I take any more serious withdrawals.

With a query, I was assured that my long distance soul is very much alive, and not far from me in thought. This knowledge brings comfort.

Now I pray for sleep, and the healing it naturally brings.

Friday

A few days have passed since this post. Very busy, anxious, and rewarding days, I might add.

My friend is home and well, after the hospital stay. More medical appointments are in store; however, the cardiac situation is resolved. I thank God for answering my prayers in the affirmative.

There were some waves of grief, with my friend as an inpatient. Just being in a hospital room was difficult for me. I must remind myself that this is a normal reaction, especially as the two month anniversary of my mother's death is not yet here.

I have written a few times to my long distance supporter, yet have not heard from this soul for a few weeks, which also triggers some tears.

Difficult to know if this feeling is more related to grieving my Mom, or to missing the one whose emotional support has been a godsend. Time will tell, I suppose.

Perhaps the gifts of guidance through my grief is enough to have received from this person, although I would like more.

I do know that my feelings are on the surface more these days, through my friend's medical trials. Maybe I need to allow myself to just be, and not try to analyze what precipitates these emotions.

I would be remiss not to mention the anniversary of 9/11. Eight years have passed, yet the emotions are raw for many who continue to grieve. I feel fortunate not to have personal losses, although I know our world has forever changed with this attack, and my grief is for all.

Tomorrow will come soon enough, and I look forward to new experiences, with new people who will enter my life.

Tuesday

After a full and refreshing long weekend, I await news of my friend's investigative procedure, which is taking place as I write.

Last night, a visit to the hospital, and a phone call today, assure me that all is well and positive with my friend, going into the test. My prayers and thoughts are constant.

Saturday's urban hike was stimulating. Meeting new and like-minded people with a love of hiking was an added bonus. I will learn a great deal about the activity, nature, and most of all, myself.

I found I surpassed the Level I requirements, which is important, as I want to participate in an upcoming Level II hike in a rural, natural Carolinian woods. I feel powerful and strong in being capable of this. I found that I enjoyed interacting with others, and was able to be my happy, authentic self with everyone. This fact tells me that I must be travelling through my grief successfully.

Sunday was an extremely clear and brilliant summer's day, with a waterfront breeze that perfected it, for a day spent with a friend, one with whom I am becoming reacquainted after a number of years. This fact alone brings me joy, as I have missed this individual. The circumstances surrounding the new wish to renew the friendship is sad, however, and that story is for another post.

Yesterday, Labour Day, was wonderful as well, with my sister and brother-in-law visiting me in the city. We barbequed on the rooftop terrace while enjoying the annual air show. The Blue Angels graced our skies, along with the Snowbirds, all nine of them, as well as numerous other airborne pilots celebrating the 100th anniversary of flight.

I was fortunate enough to see them all perform, over each of the three days, during my outdoor activities in various parts of the city.

I feel blessed with friends, family, and a growing health of my own. Now, I wait, pray, and anticipate good news for my hospitalized friend.

Friday

Friday again, and this one leading into Labour Day weekend. With my friend in hospital, I won't go far. I am looking forward to my hike tomorrow though, and meeting other hikers will be interesting.

The weather is superb, to make up for the rainy July we had, I suppose. Another reason I will enjoy nature tomorrow.

Today I kept very busy with tasks that had been on hold all summer, while I was taking care of my Mom, and then a further delay with the after-effects of her death and my grief.

Speaking of grief, a wave washed over me in hospital yesterday while visiting my friend, who will be having an angiogram and possible angioplasty procedure. The tears surfaced and subsided just as quickly. I need to be focused and supportive, not grieving, while with my friend, especially now.

I do find that helping others has always given me more in return than what I give. Of course, if I had tried too soon while grieving, I would not be of benefit to anyone. I needed to allow myself the time to curl up in the fetal position, to feel the pain, and to let my tears cleanse me.

I thank God that I had that time, before the news from my friend.

I also thank the long distance soul who guided me with grieving tips along my journey. I hope more will be forthcoming as needed.

Supportive understanding and helpful suggestions were immeasurable gifts. I do believe that people come into our lives for various reasons. We all can be teachers for others, when we are willing to share our experience and knowledge as wisdom.

September 2, 2009

September arrived yesterday. A very good friend of mine began this month in the hospital emergency room, with heart issues, and I spent the first day of September there too, as a support.

Of course, being in this setting conjured memories of my recent hospital experience with my mother. A different city, yet similar surroundings, with elderly women on stretchers, etc.

However, no tears welled up, and I was able to be supportive and helpful, to enable my friend to allow the doctors to begin their investigative procedures.

What surprised me, after I returned home, was that I still did not feel the wave of grief I thought might occur. This must mean that healing is definitely taking place, in my estimation.

However, it could be a delayed reaction, as my focus has now changed to my friend's welfare. I need to try not to analyze, and just enjoy the normalcy I feel at present.

I heard from my sister today, as well, and that alone is comforting.

I am also feeling a renewed sense of hope and joy today, as I registered for a hike I am very interested in traversing midmonth. The setting will prove to be very healing, I imagine.

I am looking forward to meeting new people in the club as well, souls with a similar desire for the enjoyment of spending time in nature, and hiking.

Today I have a full agenda of tasks that need my attention, and I am hopeful that I will be able to accomplish much.

August 31, 2009

Another Monday, and this one is sunny and cool. The last day of August reminds me that autumn is almost here. Labour Day is one week away. This time of year always triggers a grief reaction, just as spring awakens renewed hope in me.

Today began as a difficult one, with no one available for me. My mother was almost always there when I needed to hear her friendly voice. Her unconditional love is missing now.

My eldest called and invited me to join in a celebration of a new condo acquisition, which enabled me to redirect my focus. My joy and pride are my children. I enjoyed the time we spent together, and my long, fast-paced walk home.

Physicality does assist me, and I attempt to build it into each day as some form of exercise. I often listen to loud music, which feeds my soul, and energizes me. Dancing brings me joy.

I know that time will heal me, yet this is so hard.

Endings are difficult, just as beginnings are full of promise.

The cycle of life goes on, and I crave being in the natural world where my soul will feel at home.

I crave the embrace of another soul as well, who has been sadly absent lately.

Sunday

As it turns out, yesterday was not a better day for me, in spite of the sunshine. I decided not to take a sleeping pill, and consequently tossed and turned most of Friday night/Saturday morning.

My melancholy mood better suited the indoors. I did manage to declutter some old letters, cards, and photos from the first lover in my life, since the divorce. This was long overdue, to make room for the one I want now.

I also began to tackle a booklet (the first in a series of four) sent to me by the pastoral care minister. The intent is to normalize the grief process. It triggered tears, which I suspect is a normal reaction :)

Last night, I succumbed to the sleep medication. I dreamt of a stranger, who pulled me out of the water, not once, but repeatedly. I was not drowning each time I fell into the lake, yet was helped voluntarily. I would like to meet this kind and caring soul.

Today has been a more calm and happy one. I went to church again, and briefly spoke to friends. Then errands, and brunch with one of my adult children, whose company I always enjoy. I relish the time I get to spend with both of them. After all, they are the reasons I still live in this concrete jungle!

I hope to speak to my nephew, who leaves tonight for a teaching position in another part of the world. He will be gone, far from home, for one year. That is the plan, and we know what John Lennon thinks about life and plans!! However, I am hopeful that this one will be happily fulfilled.

Now, I will attempt to have a restful nap, which serves as a diversion some days; alone, unfortunately.

I shall see what tonight and tomorrow bring.

Friday

Another weekend arrives. Today, my tears are at the surface, to match the cloudy, cool day I suppose.

I miss being held by someone who understands me and my feelings. Friends are helpful when available, and family members are busy with their own grieving. I try to keep busy too, deflecting the pain as best I can.

There is a kindred spirit out there, who has been guiding and comforting me through my grief, from a distance. My dreams of being together are not nearly the same as the reality would be. I know this, as I have been with this person before. Our souls did connect. Our attraction is palpable. Our comfortableness is like being home. Our similarities are striking. One of our challenges is distance. For now, I dream.

Sleep would be helpful, and tonight I might assist myself with medication. I only resort to a sleeping pill when several nights/weeks without rest has occurred. Inevitably, I cannot sleep the night after taking one, with or without another pill. It is a temporary relief.

Maybe I'll drink wine instead. Although, as relaxing as a few glasses can be, sleep will then elude me. There are no good solutions for me this night.

Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

August 27, 2009

A few days have passed since this post. Perhaps it is indicative of the healing taking place. It could also be that I have been preoccupied with other things, or maybe both of these reasons are valid.

Today would have been my wedding anniversary; however, ten years have passed since any of these were celebrated. Now it is just another date. It doesn't trigger a reaction, although it is still early in the day.

Tuesday, I visited a dear friend, and rented a vehicle to do so, as city living doesn't require me to own one. I must admit, the freedom I feel when on the open road may be worth the investment. To prepare for this outing, I paced myself the day before, and yesterday, the after effect necessitated a day of recuperation.

Once again, the reality of another loss, being financial, sets in. During the marriage, some poor business decisions created a financial disaster for my family. What is that saying, "The higher you go, the further you fall", or something like that. We did go far, and we did fall hard.

The stress of that loss took its' toll on both the relationship, and my health. Several losses which occurred simultaneously, or within short periods of one another, became overwhelming. The chronic illness which followed, created another very real financial loss as well, and is one I live with each and every day.

However, once again the strength my mother gave me, my father's common sense, along with great values, being a 'balanced' Libran, and most importantly, my faith, enable me to manage my lifestyle in accordance with my income.

What I miss is the freedom that monetary wealth provides. One day, I hope that recovery will allow me to once again enjoy the ability to earn substantially, and have fun doing it!

A new Monday

Another Monday, and I am sailing more smoothly through this one. When the tears well up, I am able to refocus my thoughts to happier moments, and then the waves subside before having a chance to gather momentum. I do not know if I will be this successful another time, but today I am enjoying this reprieve. I fill my day with mundane, yet necessary tasks, and enjoy the distraction they bring.

When night falls, a different story unfolds. Sleep eludes me, and when I do descend, it is into an alpha state, where I am aware of waking easily throughout the darkness. Even when I dream, I am aware of what is happening, and am easily able to wake myself should the dream become threatening. With little refreshing or deep sleep, I find it difficult to rouse myself from bed in the morning. It takes a long while and much caffeine to encourage me to begin the day.

Part of this is the grief process, yet another is a remnant from another type of loss I incurred several years ago.

When still married, and very active with career and family, six months after the death of my father, I developed an illness called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. A misnomer, which is similar to calling Pneumonia 'chronic cough syndrome', there are multiple layers to CFS, not simply fatigue.

I have learned, mostly after the separation and subsequent divorce, to pace myself, and to live successfully with this chronic condition. My life is akin to making bank deposits and withdrawals, only I am the bank, and I make deposits and withdrawals of energy, as opposed to money. My life is simplified from necessity. Recovery is ongoing.

When another loss occurs, I must be extra kind to myself, and not allow my progressive success to be jeopardized. Quite a balancing act indeed! Thankfully, I am a Libran, and balance is always my goal.

Sunday

This morning I actually looked forward to going to church. It is only the second time I have attended a service since my mother's funeral. The first occasion felt uncomfortable, as I was not yet ready to be with others in the community.

I enjoyed the people I interacted with today, an emerging healing experience. Today I felt almost normal.

There is a coolness in the air, a hint of autumn. The last days of summer bring about some sadness, as I realize the green leaves will soon turn, wither and die, with winter in fast pursuit.

However, I will enjoy the changing seasons as I always do, even though travel is made more difficult in the winter months.

"There is a time for everything under heaven", as the verse begins. And the seasons are a metaphor for birth, youth, adulthood and death. The cycle goes on, and it is when one's life is cut short in one of the first three seasons, that the natural order of things is disturbed.

I am reminded of my godson nephew's untimely death in his youth, on my birthday. This loss was the first unnatural one in my family, and changed forever the way I view life. As I mentioned in an earlier post, the death of my mother, which left me orphaned, resurrected all of the other losses in my life. More about those in future posts.

August 22, 2009

The "best laid plans", as the saying goes.

In my gear, feeling a little like 'Indiana Jones' (wearing my Tilley hat on a tilt gives me that air), on a naturalist (safari) adventure (the first since my Mom died), the transit I needed to take, to get to the gathering point in my venture, was indefinitely suspended. With a sinking feeling, I realized that I would never get there in time to join the group. The next best thing was to walk the waterfront to an ecological garden in the city.

Alone, with binoculars and lunch in tow, I spotted a few butterflies and birds, as well as numerous varieties of trees and flowers, inundated with bumble and honey bees. With the scent of lavender and other sweet perfumes in the air, I enjoyed nature in the city. Unfortunately, the sounds of vehicles next to this oasis disturbed my illusion of being in a peaceful, natural setting.

I am proud of myself for continuing to seek wildlife, in spite of the setback. I could have chosen to return home and grieve indoors. Much better for me to be outdoors among creatures I feel connected to, rather than alone with my thoughts.

I also sense that some of my humour is returning. Mom would be proud too.

Friday

Another beautiful morning, after a devastating tornado last evening. I was lucky it did not touch down where I live, like the tidal wave I have missed so far; a metaphor for my journey. My heart goes out to all affected.

Today I will get back into a routine of fitness, and keep myself busy. Hopefully, I can begin to filter my thoughts when grief is triggered, to help myself move forward.

Tomorrow I plan to join others in an outdoor conservation setting, removed from the city. This will be the beginning of a new venture.

I need more structure in my life and will work toward building the foundation.

Thursday

One of the feelings of grief that is resurfacing, especially now, is loneliness. Not only for my Mom, but also for the comfort of a partner, someone who would unconditionally accept and love me.

Separation and divorce created a major loss in my life. Almost thirty years spent with the same person, left me gasping for air for several years. I could say that the 'after spouse' years were 'lost' years; however, in actuality, they became 'growth' years, and I am in a constant state of flux, learning new things about myself, each and every day. On this day, being held by a partner would be reassuring.

I do not know how long I will drift, and feel in a state of transition. My confidence is shaken, and the waves of grief upset my balance. I only know that all things in the natural, outdoor world, bring me peace, and ground me. That is where I need to be.

The challenge for me, is that I now live in a very large city, surrounded by concrete and people. My adult children live here, and they are the reasons I do as well, for now.

One day at a time is how I live.

August 19, 2009

Another bright, sunshine-filled day. What am I doing here at the keyboard?? Normally, I would have been outside long before now; however, nothing is as it was.

I often think of calling my Mom just to say hello, and when the reality faces me, a wave washes over me. I wait for the tidal wave to hit. So far I am lucky, and only storms I can handle have erupted. I drift, alone. I am vulnerable and strong at the same time. In nature, I can be myself, and feel less lost in this world.

I will put on dark glasses to protect my eyes from the rays as I venture out today. And when/if the tears well up, these shades will also hide my pain. Most people will not understand.

That is the reason I am writing to you, to the universe, with the hope that my words, and more importantly my thoughts and feelings behind them, will reach those souls who can understand. This will bring me comfort.

Today

Today is a new day. I have begun to declutter my space, and in the process I am hoping to do the same with my life.

I want to allow new people and experiences to enter my realm. Perhaps my drifting will be more enjoyable with like-minded souls.

My mother's photographs are now in their proper places, after many turbulent emotions, and a flood of tears. The sympathy cards are next on my agenda, but not today.

I mentioned last time that I had the first dream of my Mom since her death.

Dreams are fascinating to me. Not only can they be symbolic of various aspects of my life, and reflective of my current feelings; but also, in my experience, prophetic.

Before my Dad died, almost fifteen years ago, I had a dream in which I was transported to another dimension. Here, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, warmth, and light. I felt total, unconditional love, and I did not want to leave. Then I awoke with a start, as I realized that this was where my father was going. Approximately one month later, he died suddenly, in the night.

In my recent dream, I was observing my mother as she stood before me in a room with half a floor. Her back was to the pitfall, and as I opened my mouth to warn her to not back up, she did step back. As she fell into the hole, I reached down, grabbed her arm, and pulled her up onto the floor, as opposed to being pulled down with her.

A feeling of superhuman strength ensued, until I awoke to the realization that I had not been able to save her in reality. I am only human after all, and there are many things I cannot control.

Trusting in a supernatural being, creator of the universe, and having faith that life will unfold naturally, instills a sense of peace; yet, it is a task I work at constantly. My will is so very strong.

Monday

"Rainy days and Mondays"... Well, it is Monday, and a hot, sunny summer's day, no rain in sight. Small waves wash over me today, and my tears replace raindrops.

Yesterday was a good day. With siblings and family I felt like me once more, almost. I was able to laugh with them and at myself.

The best connection was my encounter with a tiny, red-legged grasshopper. We extended our greeting by walking toward each other. We stopped and peered into eyes with glints of recognition. Then we each went our own way. The peace I felt was instantaneous, and stays with me still.

Soon, I will attempt to put some pictures of my mother in their proper places. For several weeks her photos lay in full view, where I must pass her each time I enter and leave. Now that I've had my first dream of her since she died, I am ready to declutter my living space. More about that dream in another post.

August 16, 2009

Today promises to be a good one. It is summer and sunshine beckons me.

My siblings and I will gather, and in them, my parents will live for me again.

A rural setting surrounded by wildlife and forest will comfort me.

I find the most peace I feel these days is among nature's gifts, both animate and inanimate, other than human beings. My spirit connects to the earth in this way and grounds me. The drifting I feel is then somehow normalized, almost soothing, like a rocking chair. "Mother Earth" takes on an accurate and tangible meaning for me now. She helps me to feel less lost.

I will let you know how this day goes, in another post, as "Life is what happens when you're making other plans", courtesy of John Lennon, I believe.

August 15, 2009

My most recent journey began one month ago today. The date my mother died.

Unlike other losses in my life, this one rendered me an 'orphan'. My anchor is gone, and now I drift.

I am finding that each day is different. Today is a good one so far; only a few ripples.

I plan to share my experiences and feelings with you, as I ride the waves of grief.

This emotional roller coaster is unlike any other I have experienced; perhaps because all of my other losses resurface more acutely this time. Some are death-related, while others are not. The feelings are similar.

Another post will follow when energy permits.