A new Monday

Another Monday, and I am sailing more smoothly through this one. When the tears well up, I am able to refocus my thoughts to happier moments, and then the waves subside before having a chance to gather momentum. I do not know if I will be this successful another time, but today I am enjoying this reprieve. I fill my day with mundane, yet necessary tasks, and enjoy the distraction they bring.

When night falls, a different story unfolds. Sleep eludes me, and when I do descend, it is into an alpha state, where I am aware of waking easily throughout the darkness. Even when I dream, I am aware of what is happening, and am easily able to wake myself should the dream become threatening. With little refreshing or deep sleep, I find it difficult to rouse myself from bed in the morning. It takes a long while and much caffeine to encourage me to begin the day.

Part of this is the grief process, yet another is a remnant from another type of loss I incurred several years ago.

When still married, and very active with career and family, six months after the death of my father, I developed an illness called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. A misnomer, which is similar to calling Pneumonia 'chronic cough syndrome', there are multiple layers to CFS, not simply fatigue.

I have learned, mostly after the separation and subsequent divorce, to pace myself, and to live successfully with this chronic condition. My life is akin to making bank deposits and withdrawals, only I am the bank, and I make deposits and withdrawals of energy, as opposed to money. My life is simplified from necessity. Recovery is ongoing.

When another loss occurs, I must be extra kind to myself, and not allow my progressive success to be jeopardized. Quite a balancing act indeed! Thankfully, I am a Libran, and balance is always my goal.