'Rainy days and Mondays', and now Tuesday is here, and not only rainy, but also windy and cold. Feels a lot like 'fall', in more ways than one.
More losses. The leaf-peeping trip is definitely not happening due to scheduling problems. Some disturbing news from a family member. An injury on my most recent hiking trip. For a few days my body and brain shut down and only tears would fall. I could sure use a call from my Mom; just to hear her voice would help to ground me. When I can't walk quickly on the earth, the waves of grief can and do reach me.
I just received a call, another loss, this time a first cousin who was my older brother's age. He and his family were very close to us when we were children growing up in the same city. He died Monday morning, his heart failed, he was young. Life is so fleeting and fragile. This very moment is all we have, and now I do not wish to spend this moment crying any longer.
Tomorrow will hopefully bring sunshine or perhaps a rainbow!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Thursday
Once again, 'the best laid plans'!! Yesterday, my autumn trip hit a bump in the road.
Timing in life is everything, and as it turns out my schedule might not be able to mesh with another's. Fate will need to intervene if this plan is meant to come to fruition.
Of course, this means that I again need to relinquish control, which makes me realize how little in life is actually within my power. 'Let go and let God'. When will I learn that lesson? I suppose my plans will be disrupted continually until I do!
As disappointed as I am that I may not see this other soul soon, I am grateful to let the universe determine the outcome. It tires me to try to make things happen, and a relief to just let go . . .
Timing in life is everything, and as it turns out my schedule might not be able to mesh with another's. Fate will need to intervene if this plan is meant to come to fruition.
Of course, this means that I again need to relinquish control, which makes me realize how little in life is actually within my power. 'Let go and let God'. When will I learn that lesson? I suppose my plans will be disrupted continually until I do!
As disappointed as I am that I may not see this other soul soon, I am grateful to let the universe determine the outcome. It tires me to try to make things happen, and a relief to just let go . . .
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Tuesday
Yesterday was a rainy Monday, and matched my mood. Tears came to the surface readily, no matter what I did. I had to give myself a day of reprieve from life. I miss my Mom.
Today, although raining again, promises to be a better one. Last night I allowed myself the escape of a sleeping medication, which actually relaxed me enough to enjoy the night in slumber, and to wake relaxed, not groggy, this time.
I am planning a leaf peeping trip in October, and am hoping for brilliant crimson, scarlet and tangarine to show themselves. One never knows what the autumn will bring; however, and this season left with warmth, as fall begins.
It is great to have loyalty reward miles accumulated to offset the cost of this adventure. It is also an opportunity to get to know my long distance soul much better. Some apprehension is offset by hope. Hiking is on the agenda, and I long again for the rhythmic, energizing strides that keep me ahead of the waves of grief.
Today, although raining again, promises to be a better one. Last night I allowed myself the escape of a sleeping medication, which actually relaxed me enough to enjoy the night in slumber, and to wake relaxed, not groggy, this time.
I am planning a leaf peeping trip in October, and am hoping for brilliant crimson, scarlet and tangarine to show themselves. One never knows what the autumn will bring; however, and this season left with warmth, as fall begins.
It is great to have loyalty reward miles accumulated to offset the cost of this adventure. It is also an opportunity to get to know my long distance soul much better. Some apprehension is offset by hope. Hiking is on the agenda, and I long again for the rhythmic, energizing strides that keep me ahead of the waves of grief.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sunday
Five days since my last post! I have been busy and consumed with living life, and little writing.
There have been moments of grief, and tears that are triggered by little reminders of my Mom. I am managing these times by allowing them to wash over me, and leave as quickly as they come. It's when I fight them that I find they linger.
I made a bold move yesterday, and over the past few days actually. I am not only changing my interior by selling more furniture; but also, my exterior by changing my hair colour, although a subtle difference. It has been several years since I have done this, and am uncertain that I like the result! The good news is that it is only hair, and in my case grows quickly.
I am seeking more excitement in my life, and have signed up for a zipline adventure with an outdoor club. Feeling the need to live life to the fullest is prompting me to take action to do so. I went on an urban hike Friday evening with some members from this club, and enjoyed the brisk walk through the park and along the waterfront, with a pub stop afterward to socialize. I was the oldest, yet one of the quickest members, on this outing! My self-confidence is boosted by this knowledge.
In hiking, I have found a way to move through my grief journey more serenely and actively. The powerful, 'alive' feeling that comes to me from a fast-paced hike is well worth the effort.
Today, after a late evening yesterday, celebrating an upcoming birthday with my youngest daughter, I was unable to rouse myself early enough to attend church. I miss the connection with others there, yet God I find is everywhere.
There have been moments of grief, and tears that are triggered by little reminders of my Mom. I am managing these times by allowing them to wash over me, and leave as quickly as they come. It's when I fight them that I find they linger.
I made a bold move yesterday, and over the past few days actually. I am not only changing my interior by selling more furniture; but also, my exterior by changing my hair colour, although a subtle difference. It has been several years since I have done this, and am uncertain that I like the result! The good news is that it is only hair, and in my case grows quickly.
I am seeking more excitement in my life, and have signed up for a zipline adventure with an outdoor club. Feeling the need to live life to the fullest is prompting me to take action to do so. I went on an urban hike Friday evening with some members from this club, and enjoyed the brisk walk through the park and along the waterfront, with a pub stop afterward to socialize. I was the oldest, yet one of the quickest members, on this outing! My self-confidence is boosted by this knowledge.
In hiking, I have found a way to move through my grief journey more serenely and actively. The powerful, 'alive' feeling that comes to me from a fast-paced hike is well worth the effort.
Today, after a late evening yesterday, celebrating an upcoming birthday with my youngest daughter, I was unable to rouse myself early enough to attend church. I miss the connection with others there, yet God I find is everywhere.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
September 15, 2009
The two month anniversary of my mother's death is today. The sympathy cards are down, yet unread. This I will force myself to do before I put them away. A few tears is all I could handle. I prefer to stage this step in my journey.
The past three days have been very full.
A recent hike with others, in a wondrous Carolinian forest, tested my limits, challenging my endurance. I am happy to report only minor injuries and increased confidence. Of course some recuperation time would be in order, yet the next day I had arranged to meet a new friend at church and then have brunch afterward. I followed through with this plan, and made an early evening of it.
Yesterday, I volunteered at the annual fundraiser for the foundation set up by the parents of my nephew, who was killed in a car accident several years ago.
Today, it is little wonder that I am exhausted, and need to control my grieving. My reserves of energy are depleted, and I must make substantial deposits before I take any more serious withdrawals.
With a query, I was assured that my long distance soul is very much alive, and not far from me in thought. This knowledge brings comfort.
Now I pray for sleep, and the healing it naturally brings.
The past three days have been very full.
A recent hike with others, in a wondrous Carolinian forest, tested my limits, challenging my endurance. I am happy to report only minor injuries and increased confidence. Of course some recuperation time would be in order, yet the next day I had arranged to meet a new friend at church and then have brunch afterward. I followed through with this plan, and made an early evening of it.
Yesterday, I volunteered at the annual fundraiser for the foundation set up by the parents of my nephew, who was killed in a car accident several years ago.
Today, it is little wonder that I am exhausted, and need to control my grieving. My reserves of energy are depleted, and I must make substantial deposits before I take any more serious withdrawals.
With a query, I was assured that my long distance soul is very much alive, and not far from me in thought. This knowledge brings comfort.
Now I pray for sleep, and the healing it naturally brings.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Friday
A few days have passed since this post. Very busy, anxious, and rewarding days, I might add.
My friend is home and well, after the hospital stay. More medical appointments are in store; however, the cardiac situation is resolved. I thank God for answering my prayers in the affirmative.
There were some waves of grief, with my friend as an inpatient. Just being in a hospital room was difficult for me. I must remind myself that this is a normal reaction, especially as the two month anniversary of my mother's death is not yet here.
I have written a few times to my long distance supporter, yet have not heard from this soul for a few weeks, which also triggers some tears.
Difficult to know if this feeling is more related to grieving my Mom, or to missing the one whose emotional support has been a godsend. Time will tell, I suppose.
Perhaps the gifts of guidance through my grief is enough to have received from this person, although I would like more.
I do know that my feelings are on the surface more these days, through my friend's medical trials. Maybe I need to allow myself to just be, and not try to analyze what precipitates these emotions.
I would be remiss not to mention the anniversary of 9/11. Eight years have passed, yet the emotions are raw for many who continue to grieve. I feel fortunate not to have personal losses, although I know our world has forever changed with this attack, and my grief is for all.
Tomorrow will come soon enough, and I look forward to new experiences, with new people who will enter my life.
My friend is home and well, after the hospital stay. More medical appointments are in store; however, the cardiac situation is resolved. I thank God for answering my prayers in the affirmative.
There were some waves of grief, with my friend as an inpatient. Just being in a hospital room was difficult for me. I must remind myself that this is a normal reaction, especially as the two month anniversary of my mother's death is not yet here.
I have written a few times to my long distance supporter, yet have not heard from this soul for a few weeks, which also triggers some tears.
Difficult to know if this feeling is more related to grieving my Mom, or to missing the one whose emotional support has been a godsend. Time will tell, I suppose.
Perhaps the gifts of guidance through my grief is enough to have received from this person, although I would like more.
I do know that my feelings are on the surface more these days, through my friend's medical trials. Maybe I need to allow myself to just be, and not try to analyze what precipitates these emotions.
I would be remiss not to mention the anniversary of 9/11. Eight years have passed, yet the emotions are raw for many who continue to grieve. I feel fortunate not to have personal losses, although I know our world has forever changed with this attack, and my grief is for all.
Tomorrow will come soon enough, and I look forward to new experiences, with new people who will enter my life.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Tuesday
After a full and refreshing long weekend, I await news of my friend's investigative procedure, which is taking place as I write.
Last night, a visit to the hospital, and a phone call today, assure me that all is well and positive with my friend, going into the test. My prayers and thoughts are constant.
Saturday's urban hike was stimulating. Meeting new and like-minded people with a love of hiking was an added bonus. I will learn a great deal about the activity, nature, and most of all, myself.
I found I surpassed the Level I requirements, which is important, as I want to participate in an upcoming Level II hike in a rural, natural Carolinian woods. I feel powerful and strong in being capable of this. I found that I enjoyed interacting with others, and was able to be my happy, authentic self with everyone. This fact tells me that I must be travelling through my grief successfully.
Sunday was an extremely clear and brilliant summer's day, with a waterfront breeze that perfected it, for a day spent with a friend, one with whom I am becoming reacquainted after a number of years. This fact alone brings me joy, as I have missed this individual. The circumstances surrounding the new wish to renew the friendship is sad, however, and that story is for another post.
Yesterday, Labour Day, was wonderful as well, with my sister and brother-in-law visiting me in the city. We barbequed on the rooftop terrace while enjoying the annual air show. The Blue Angels graced our skies, along with the Snowbirds, all nine of them, as well as numerous other airborne pilots celebrating the 100th anniversary of flight.
I was fortunate enough to see them all perform, over each of the three days, during my outdoor activities in various parts of the city.
I feel blessed with friends, family, and a growing health of my own. Now, I wait, pray, and anticipate good news for my hospitalized friend.
Last night, a visit to the hospital, and a phone call today, assure me that all is well and positive with my friend, going into the test. My prayers and thoughts are constant.
Saturday's urban hike was stimulating. Meeting new and like-minded people with a love of hiking was an added bonus. I will learn a great deal about the activity, nature, and most of all, myself.
I found I surpassed the Level I requirements, which is important, as I want to participate in an upcoming Level II hike in a rural, natural Carolinian woods. I feel powerful and strong in being capable of this. I found that I enjoyed interacting with others, and was able to be my happy, authentic self with everyone. This fact tells me that I must be travelling through my grief successfully.
Sunday was an extremely clear and brilliant summer's day, with a waterfront breeze that perfected it, for a day spent with a friend, one with whom I am becoming reacquainted after a number of years. This fact alone brings me joy, as I have missed this individual. The circumstances surrounding the new wish to renew the friendship is sad, however, and that story is for another post.
Yesterday, Labour Day, was wonderful as well, with my sister and brother-in-law visiting me in the city. We barbequed on the rooftop terrace while enjoying the annual air show. The Blue Angels graced our skies, along with the Snowbirds, all nine of them, as well as numerous other airborne pilots celebrating the 100th anniversary of flight.
I was fortunate enough to see them all perform, over each of the three days, during my outdoor activities in various parts of the city.
I feel blessed with friends, family, and a growing health of my own. Now, I wait, pray, and anticipate good news for my hospitalized friend.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Friday
Friday again, and this one leading into Labour Day weekend. With my friend in hospital, I won't go far. I am looking forward to my hike tomorrow though, and meeting other hikers will be interesting.
The weather is superb, to make up for the rainy July we had, I suppose. Another reason I will enjoy nature tomorrow.
Today I kept very busy with tasks that had been on hold all summer, while I was taking care of my Mom, and then a further delay with the after-effects of her death and my grief.
Speaking of grief, a wave washed over me in hospital yesterday while visiting my friend, who will be having an angiogram and possible angioplasty procedure. The tears surfaced and subsided just as quickly. I need to be focused and supportive, not grieving, while with my friend, especially now.
I do find that helping others has always given me more in return than what I give. Of course, if I had tried too soon while grieving, I would not be of benefit to anyone. I needed to allow myself the time to curl up in the fetal position, to feel the pain, and to let my tears cleanse me.
I thank God that I had that time, before the news from my friend.
I also thank the long distance soul who guided me with grieving tips along my journey. I hope more will be forthcoming as needed.
Supportive understanding and helpful suggestions were immeasurable gifts. I do believe that people come into our lives for various reasons. We all can be teachers for others, when we are willing to share our experience and knowledge as wisdom.
The weather is superb, to make up for the rainy July we had, I suppose. Another reason I will enjoy nature tomorrow.
Today I kept very busy with tasks that had been on hold all summer, while I was taking care of my Mom, and then a further delay with the after-effects of her death and my grief.
Speaking of grief, a wave washed over me in hospital yesterday while visiting my friend, who will be having an angiogram and possible angioplasty procedure. The tears surfaced and subsided just as quickly. I need to be focused and supportive, not grieving, while with my friend, especially now.
I do find that helping others has always given me more in return than what I give. Of course, if I had tried too soon while grieving, I would not be of benefit to anyone. I needed to allow myself the time to curl up in the fetal position, to feel the pain, and to let my tears cleanse me.
I thank God that I had that time, before the news from my friend.
I also thank the long distance soul who guided me with grieving tips along my journey. I hope more will be forthcoming as needed.
Supportive understanding and helpful suggestions were immeasurable gifts. I do believe that people come into our lives for various reasons. We all can be teachers for others, when we are willing to share our experience and knowledge as wisdom.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
September 2, 2009
September arrived yesterday. A very good friend of mine began this month in the hospital emergency room, with heart issues, and I spent the first day of September there too, as a support.
Of course, being in this setting conjured memories of my recent hospital experience with my mother. A different city, yet similar surroundings, with elderly women on stretchers, etc.
However, no tears welled up, and I was able to be supportive and helpful, to enable my friend to allow the doctors to begin their investigative procedures.
What surprised me, after I returned home, was that I still did not feel the wave of grief I thought might occur. This must mean that healing is definitely taking place, in my estimation.
However, it could be a delayed reaction, as my focus has now changed to my friend's welfare. I need to try not to analyze, and just enjoy the normalcy I feel at present.
I heard from my sister today, as well, and that alone is comforting.
I am also feeling a renewed sense of hope and joy today, as I registered for a hike I am very interested in traversing midmonth. The setting will prove to be very healing, I imagine.
I am looking forward to meeting new people in the club as well, souls with a similar desire for the enjoyment of spending time in nature, and hiking.
Today I have a full agenda of tasks that need my attention, and I am hopeful that I will be able to accomplish much.
Of course, being in this setting conjured memories of my recent hospital experience with my mother. A different city, yet similar surroundings, with elderly women on stretchers, etc.
However, no tears welled up, and I was able to be supportive and helpful, to enable my friend to allow the doctors to begin their investigative procedures.
What surprised me, after I returned home, was that I still did not feel the wave of grief I thought might occur. This must mean that healing is definitely taking place, in my estimation.
However, it could be a delayed reaction, as my focus has now changed to my friend's welfare. I need to try not to analyze, and just enjoy the normalcy I feel at present.
I heard from my sister today, as well, and that alone is comforting.
I am also feeling a renewed sense of hope and joy today, as I registered for a hike I am very interested in traversing midmonth. The setting will prove to be very healing, I imagine.
I am looking forward to meeting new people in the club as well, souls with a similar desire for the enjoyment of spending time in nature, and hiking.
Today I have a full agenda of tasks that need my attention, and I am hopeful that I will be able to accomplish much.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
