As October ends, my season is changing as well.
I am overcome with a new sense of urgency to re-evaluate my life and relationships. Now is the time to let go of 'would be' love, to replace it with 'what is', and to be grateful.
That doesn't mean that the longing for my soul mate will ever end. It does mean that I will stop trying to make 'fantasy' become 'reality'. I will be patient and trust that we will find each other 'when the time is right'.
One year ago, I wrote a poem entitled, "Soul mates", which I hope to publish along with my other poetry, in a forum where I will have no 'intellectual property' issues.
Now I will refocus my time and energy.
The waves of grief overtook me yesterday, as I realized my mother's number is still on the speed dial of both my home and cellular phones.
At the same time, I discovered pictures of her on my cell phone, taken a few months before her health deteriorated.
The tears surfaced and subsided as the knowledge that she is not living in this realm any longer resonated deep within my soul.
This is reality. I need to continue moving forward, as the only constant in life is change . . .
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
October 21st
As October draws near its' end, my grief seems to be stabilizing, although I still haven't read the sympathy cards. They lay there on my mother's desk, waiting to be put away.
It is almost like burying my Mom all over again, and part of me doesn't want to let go. I feel that I must force myself to read the words before I lay them to rest out of view, just as I needed to see her in the casket before her burial.
Perhaps it is OK for me to just be, and let this happen spontaneously when I am ready. A good life lesson, actually...
It is almost like burying my Mom all over again, and part of me doesn't want to let go. I feel that I must force myself to read the words before I lay them to rest out of view, just as I needed to see her in the casket before her burial.
Perhaps it is OK for me to just be, and let this happen spontaneously when I am ready. A good life lesson, actually...
Thursday, October 15, 2009
October 15, 2009
The third month anniversary of my Mom's death is today. It is two months since my first blog was posted on this site.
Now that I am hiking, as much as possible, with and in nature, I am grieving more easily it seems. At least the waves are more like ripples these days, and the tears, when they fall, subside more quickly. I no longer feel like I am drowning. I know I will reach the light as I navigate to the end of each pipeline of tears.
My drifting is somewhat comforting. I need not know where I am headed, and the loss of my anchor allows me freedom to roam. The journey, not the destination, is my focus.
I still yearn for my soul mate, although I realize that I cannot control my destiny. I can only hope and pray that fate will bring him into focus on my journey of life.
Now that I am hiking, as much as possible, with and in nature, I am grieving more easily it seems. At least the waves are more like ripples these days, and the tears, when they fall, subside more quickly. I no longer feel like I am drowning. I know I will reach the light as I navigate to the end of each pipeline of tears.
My drifting is somewhat comforting. I need not know where I am headed, and the loss of my anchor allows me freedom to roam. The journey, not the destination, is my focus.
I still yearn for my soul mate, although I realize that I cannot control my destiny. I can only hope and pray that fate will bring him into focus on my journey of life.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
October 13th
The day after Thanksgiving and I am hiked, and turkeyed out. . .
My Saturday hike, walking stick in tow, through the forks of the Credit River along the Bruce Trail to Belfountain, was one of the most picturesque, with Fall colours more prominent now.
The new group of hikers I met were like-minded people, and some of the gentlemen assisted me when my old injury resurfaced, during the steep, slippery downhill climbs.
A few minor injuries (it seems I did not wait long enough to heal the last round) left me somewhat immobilized on Sunday. I needed to get ready for Monday, as I was looking forward to cooking a Thanksgiving feast for my daughters and myself.
The meal, the company, and the ambience in my newly rearranged, expansive space, was a huge success. We had a wonderful visit and everyone enjoyed a delicious turkey dinner with all of the trimmings. I relish the time I get to spend conversing with my girls. I learn as much from them these days, as they have learned from me since their births :)
Today was one of rest, and reminiscing some of the times spent with my Mom and Dad. Childhood memories of feelings that are always deep in my soul stay with me, no matter what my age, as they are part of me.
It was a sunny, cold day and the tears did not fall, even though they were at the surface.
My Saturday hike, walking stick in tow, through the forks of the Credit River along the Bruce Trail to Belfountain, was one of the most picturesque, with Fall colours more prominent now.
The new group of hikers I met were like-minded people, and some of the gentlemen assisted me when my old injury resurfaced, during the steep, slippery downhill climbs.
A few minor injuries (it seems I did not wait long enough to heal the last round) left me somewhat immobilized on Sunday. I needed to get ready for Monday, as I was looking forward to cooking a Thanksgiving feast for my daughters and myself.
The meal, the company, and the ambience in my newly rearranged, expansive space, was a huge success. We had a wonderful visit and everyone enjoyed a delicious turkey dinner with all of the trimmings. I relish the time I get to spend conversing with my girls. I learn as much from them these days, as they have learned from me since their births :)
Today was one of rest, and reminiscing some of the times spent with my Mom and Dad. Childhood memories of feelings that are always deep in my soul stay with me, no matter what my age, as they are part of me.
It was a sunny, cold day and the tears did not fall, even though they were at the surface.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Friday
Here it is; a rainy, cold Friday leading into the long weekend, the day after my milestone birthday.
It was a wonderful week of celebrating my passage into a new decade of life. Family and friends gathered together to help me usher in the next phase of my growth.
Frankly, I feel no different, and I actually feel ageless most days. I know I am more fearless, and relish new opportunities to experience living as fully as possible.
Tomorrow I plan to hike with others in the woods near waterfalls, while negotiating uncertain terrain. My walking stick is a necessity this time.
My grief has been on hold for quite a few days now, as I have been preoccupied.
Today's rain triggers my own tears. I seem to cry with the sky. It is as if the heavens give me permission to let my tears fall, when the clouds open and release their own raindrops.
I feel a let down, after having been surrounded by family and friends consistently the past several days. Now I am alone again. I look forward to being with others tomorrow.
It was a wonderful week of celebrating my passage into a new decade of life. Family and friends gathered together to help me usher in the next phase of my growth.
Frankly, I feel no different, and I actually feel ageless most days. I know I am more fearless, and relish new opportunities to experience living as fully as possible.
Tomorrow I plan to hike with others in the woods near waterfalls, while negotiating uncertain terrain. My walking stick is a necessity this time.
My grief has been on hold for quite a few days now, as I have been preoccupied.
Today's rain triggers my own tears. I seem to cry with the sky. It is as if the heavens give me permission to let my tears fall, when the clouds open and release their own raindrops.
I feel a let down, after having been surrounded by family and friends consistently the past several days. Now I am alone again. I look forward to being with others tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
October 6th
Many days have passed since I have written here. Very fulfilling, busy days.
I recall in my last post, I hoped the next day would bring a rainbow. It took more than a day; in fact it took 4 days, and then in a 24 hour span I saw 5 rainbows, and 2 of them were double rainbows!! I believe that these were all very promising signs from loved ones who have died.
The cycle of life perpetually turns.
My journey of grief is leading me toward healing through challenging my senses, and testing my courage.
Recently, I walked a narrow, swaying plank in the treetops. No fear! The most difficult part for me was opening and closing the hooks that I placed on the cables.
I descended to the earth via 2 ziplines. Once again, I experienced no fear.
I am ready to spread my wings and not only fly, but soar to new heights :)
I recall in my last post, I hoped the next day would bring a rainbow. It took more than a day; in fact it took 4 days, and then in a 24 hour span I saw 5 rainbows, and 2 of them were double rainbows!! I believe that these were all very promising signs from loved ones who have died.
The cycle of life perpetually turns.
My journey of grief is leading me toward healing through challenging my senses, and testing my courage.
Recently, I walked a narrow, swaying plank in the treetops. No fear! The most difficult part for me was opening and closing the hooks that I placed on the cables.
I descended to the earth via 2 ziplines. Once again, I experienced no fear.
I am ready to spread my wings and not only fly, but soar to new heights :)
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