Last Saturday of the month

A dreary, cold November day, this Saturday, and I am glad I chose not to hike today.

Not often I would admit to that, but there it is. I prefer brighter, and a little warmer days, at least not the kind of damp cold that seeps into my bones.

I know I will miss the woods, though, and all it offers me this weekend.

I have planned to conserve my energy for other things this week in preparation of a little 'escape'.

A friend and I decided to share expenses so that we could both get out of the cold and rejuvenate, in anticipation of this fast-approaching Christmas.

We are both grieving losses, albeit different kinds, and the reprieve will hopefully enable us to both achieve not only a change of scenery, but also a little 'perspective'. I have learned that sometimes the 'widescreen view' can only come with distance.

I find I am procrastinating though, and here I am writing instead of doing what needs to be done and quickly. I think I need to fulfill one of my passions today, and writing is that 'one'.

However, I will limit my time here today, and there is only one more thing I want to share.

After the DivorceCare group I facilitated this past Thursday evening, I did not feel the devastating effects of the previous week. In fact, my sense of humour escalated to the point that I responded to an email that evening with a heightened sense of playfulness, unlike me of late!

There are probably many reasons I felt more normal, the most important being that my spirit was uplifted during this session, as opposed to burdened.

When I 'let go and let God', as I did this time, my load is lightened and I reap the reward as do all those I serve . . .

Giving Thanks

As the American Thanksgiving approaches, and Christmas in fast pursuit, it is time to count my many blessings in this life.

I regularly do this anyway, especially in October (Canadian Thanksgiving), yet it seems appropriate to consider them here, in my blog.

I am truly thankful for my children. They are by far the greatest gifts in my life. Not a day goes by that I don't think about them and feel blessed.

I was also given intelligence, creativity, sensitivity, grace and genetics bestowing a youthful beauty. I am very fortunate indeed.

My parents (even though now deceased), siblings, and their families provide stability and unconditional love in my life, and an important sense of history.

My variety of friends offer wondrous gifts of their unique individuality, and bring different dimensions of love to my life and being.

In spite of my losses and limitations, I am grateful for each day as it appears before me.

Opportunities have been presented to me that others have never been fortunate to have.

I had a lengthy marriage and numerous happy memories from that union, as a couple and then as a family.

During that 'lifetime' spanning 28 years, I had the privilege of enjoying the fruits of a successful business and wealth for at least several of those years.

I have travelled extensively in North America, the Caribbean and Hawaiian Islands, and plan to explore more of this planet before I leave this earth.

In my professional careers I was able to share my knowledge and experience with others and am grateful for those years. As a volunteer, I am still able to serve and help people.

I was blessed with a loving heart and soul which I attempt to open to others through the mantra of, "Care deeply, love generously, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God" . . .

November 22nd

After more than a few days of allowing myself to grieve and experience my pain, I joined a new friend on a hike in an area I have never before traversed. I am grateful for her gracious invitation, and especially for her friendship.

It was a beautiful day for an outing, and afterward I am feeling more calm and content, more 'normal'. My soul is well-fed. This is what being in nature, while hiking with others, does for me.

I do not want to lose this peacefulness within my being.

Definitely, one of my priorities has to be 'to live' by regularly participating in fast-paced walking/hiking in the natural world. My preference would be to enjoy this activity with at least one other person.

I am ready to begin the upcoming week, and to see where it will take me . .

November 20th

The day after the night before!

I never thought facilitating divorce recovery groups could affect me the way a 'party' used to do.

I know it is my grief surfacing, as the holiday season without my Mom for the first time approaches, as well as 'spreading myself too thin', that is rendering me in this state.

I have to nurture myself as I counsel others to do. I must be kind to myself and allow the tears to cleanse me once again, as these waves wash over me.

I need to give myself permission to 'wallow' in self-pity, at least for a little while, before getting on with living . . .

Back to Reality

Lately, I have been faced with some difficult facts.

As a writer, I can choose the best time to focus energy on my passion. As a hiker, I can also plan and prepare for the particular type of hike I choose, which is usually one per week or every other week, and take the time I need to recuperate afterward.

The DivorceCare groups I facilitate, as a volunteer at my church, present a different challenge.

The structure of needing to be there each week at the same time on the same evening is proving to be difficult.

Once per week I can plan and prepare before, and take time to recover following the group evening.

However, I am confronted with my loss after each session, the loss of being able to counsel professionally as a vocation. The exhaustion I feel is profound and the emotional effort is depleting my resources.

I find that two groups per year is more than enough for me, and I need to take several months off after facilitating two back-to-back groups.

The reward I feel in helping separated and divorced individuals outweighs the negative effects on my mind and body, and that is what keeps me engaged in this process. My spirit is healed as God leads me to serve others.

I am trying to find additional ways to continue to use my professional expertise within my limits, through writing (unpaid) articles related to 'break-ups', just as I am attempting to discover my physical boundaries in hiking.

The irony is that in each of these activities, as they help me to grieve the loss of my mother, the losses of my health and career become more self-evident.

I have no reserves left for other mundane but necessary tasks.

The withdrawals of my energy are beginning to exceed the deposits, and I need to re-evaluate my priorities and find my balance.

November 15, 2009

Today is the four month anniversary of my mother's death, and I feel it necessary to mark the date here, in my grief/healing journal.

There have been some 'first' (without Mom) important dates in my life in these brief months since she died, and a big holiday will soon be here in December, that being Christmas.

There is a void now that only she could fill. My siblings, family and I would get together with Mom at the centre, and I am now uncertain how this year's holiday will unfold.

I wish I could escape and ignore the happy time and festivities that are beginning already. The stores are decorated and Christmas music is playing for shoppers. It is all too soon and overwhelming.

As a single woman, I just haven't found the same joy in preparing for this season as I did when married, and now without my mother to plan around, I feel less enthused than ever.

In past years, I would always wait until after my youngest daughter's birthday in November before planning for the holiday anyway, but this year I feel like ignoring it altogether.

I try to hold the spirit of Christmas in my heart all year. It is the commercial celebration I can do without.

Maybe as time passes and December 25th draws near, I will feel differently . . .

Remembrance Day/Veterans Day

November 11th is always a time for reflection and remembrance of all of the men and women who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom.

For me, it is also a day of memories of loved ones who have died. The tears are falling even though the sun is shining.

My father was a veteran in WWII and even though he was not able to participate overseas, he was responsible for maintaining the aircraft in Canada that carried our pilots and crew into battle, and home again.

My mother's brother was an air gunner who did see action, and in fact his heroism, saving crew from his burning aircraft, garnered him a distinguished medal.

He returned from the war, although not without the cost of suffering from post traumatic stress and alcoholism the rest of his short life.

I personally know only one living veteran today, and that war was more recent.

The horror of any war must stay with the soldiers who were there, wherever and whenever they witnessed, and/or participated in, the brutality of killing other human beings. Healing must come slowly, and I cannot imagine they ever fully recover from the experience.

Their loved ones must feel the effects of this pain as well.

My heart weeps for the living as well as the dead. God bless your souls . . .

November 9, 2009

Nine days into November and it feels like 'spring is in the air'. October was a 'wash out', literally, and we deserve a reprieve, knowing that winter is hot on November's heels.

Speaking of 'hot heels', no, not stilettos, I was hiking Saturday on the Trans Canada Trail. Since it was a flat trail, I imagined it would be kinder to my healing knees, which were tensor-bandaged, than the steep downhill terrain I have been attempting in recent weeks.

I purchased two retractable trekking poles to assist with my balance, as opposed to using my 'real wood' hiking stick. After the half-way mark, a kind gentleman, who joined the hike at that point, taught me how to use them properly, and then the next sector went by more quickly, although not without some blistering beginning on the bottom of my foot and heel. Then I knew I could go no further without great distress.

Unfortunately, I was only a short distance from the endpost, when I decided to be kind to myself and forget the competitive urge. Another metaphor for my life at present.

I have been the type of person who has had difficulty 'letting go' of people, careers, and other things most of my life, and am only recently allowing myself to do that, without guilt. Although I still haven't read and stored the sympathy cards. . .

My co-dependency kept me in a marriage far longer than was healthy. In the past few years I have been dating, yet have only chosen to 'be' with two men.

It seems I might be attracting men who are 'familiar', not necessarily those who are 'best' for me.

In a former post, I had mentioned that an old friend recently came back into my life, under sad circumstances, after an absence of several years.

She and I were co-workers who became good friends, then our husbands became friends, and our children as well.

We lost contact with each other shortly after the CFS was diagnosed, and before my marriage ended. Now, sadly, she is separated from her husband, and she sought me out, for which I am grateful.

She recently suggested the theory that it might not be my head nor my heart that I have been listening to, or that is in a disconnect in choosing men, but rather that I might be drawn to the familiarity of 'what is comfortable and known'.

We both were in long-term marriages with men whose needs we put before our own, as so many women who are caregivers do. Consequently, our careers and social lives took a back seat, and our husbands' dreams became our own. We worked hard to 'juggle' all of the balls in the family, as 'superwomen', and our husbands were happy to oblige.

Could it be that I might still be headed down this slippery slope? Perhaps my knees, while hiking steep downhill terrain, are warning me to no longer follow that path!

This possibility is a wake-up call!

Now is the time to let go of that 'old' life pattern, and replace it with a new philosophy.

My eldest daughter has taught me to 'expect the best' . . .

November 3rd

A new month, a fresh start. Actually every day is an opportunity to begin anew I’ve found, although some days it just takes me a little longer to realize that.

Today I am a ‘Twitterer’ after signing up last evening. I decided to join this world after attending an event last weekend featuring the ‘motivatorman’. He did provide some valid reasons to open myself to the possibility of expanding my horizons.

Since I have always preferred a ‘widescreen’ to a ‘full screen’, I will apply this concept to my life as well, and see what the periphery brings into view!