November 15, 2009

Today is the four month anniversary of my mother's death, and I feel it necessary to mark the date here, in my grief/healing journal.

There have been some 'first' (without Mom) important dates in my life in these brief months since she died, and a big holiday will soon be here in December, that being Christmas.

There is a void now that only she could fill. My siblings, family and I would get together with Mom at the centre, and I am now uncertain how this year's holiday will unfold.

I wish I could escape and ignore the happy time and festivities that are beginning already. The stores are decorated and Christmas music is playing for shoppers. It is all too soon and overwhelming.

As a single woman, I just haven't found the same joy in preparing for this season as I did when married, and now without my mother to plan around, I feel less enthused than ever.

In past years, I would always wait until after my youngest daughter's birthday in November before planning for the holiday anyway, but this year I feel like ignoring it altogether.

I try to hold the spirit of Christmas in my heart all year. It is the commercial celebration I can do without.

Maybe as time passes and December 25th draws near, I will feel differently . . .