November 9, 2009

Nine days into November and it feels like 'spring is in the air'. October was a 'wash out', literally, and we deserve a reprieve, knowing that winter is hot on November's heels.

Speaking of 'hot heels', no, not stilettos, I was hiking Saturday on the Trans Canada Trail. Since it was a flat trail, I imagined it would be kinder to my healing knees, which were tensor-bandaged, than the steep downhill terrain I have been attempting in recent weeks.

I purchased two retractable trekking poles to assist with my balance, as opposed to using my 'real wood' hiking stick. After the half-way mark, a kind gentleman, who joined the hike at that point, taught me how to use them properly, and then the next sector went by more quickly, although not without some blistering beginning on the bottom of my foot and heel. Then I knew I could go no further without great distress.

Unfortunately, I was only a short distance from the endpost, when I decided to be kind to myself and forget the competitive urge. Another metaphor for my life at present.

I have been the type of person who has had difficulty 'letting go' of people, careers, and other things most of my life, and am only recently allowing myself to do that, without guilt. Although I still haven't read and stored the sympathy cards. . .

My co-dependency kept me in a marriage far longer than was healthy. In the past few years I have been dating, yet have only chosen to 'be' with two men.

It seems I might be attracting men who are 'familiar', not necessarily those who are 'best' for me.

In a former post, I had mentioned that an old friend recently came back into my life, under sad circumstances, after an absence of several years.

She and I were co-workers who became good friends, then our husbands became friends, and our children as well.

We lost contact with each other shortly after the CFS was diagnosed, and before my marriage ended. Now, sadly, she is separated from her husband, and she sought me out, for which I am grateful.

She recently suggested the theory that it might not be my head nor my heart that I have been listening to, or that is in a disconnect in choosing men, but rather that I might be drawn to the familiarity of 'what is comfortable and known'.

We both were in long-term marriages with men whose needs we put before our own, as so many women who are caregivers do. Consequently, our careers and social lives took a back seat, and our husbands' dreams became our own. We worked hard to 'juggle' all of the balls in the family, as 'superwomen', and our husbands were happy to oblige.

Could it be that I might still be headed down this slippery slope? Perhaps my knees, while hiking steep downhill terrain, are warning me to no longer follow that path!

This possibility is a wake-up call!

Now is the time to let go of that 'old' life pattern, and replace it with a new philosophy.

My eldest daughter has taught me to 'expect the best' . . .