Between decades

In a few short days and nights, a new decade will dawn. The week leading into the new year is the time I take to reflect on the past year, and in this case, decade.

It was ten years ago, before the birth of the new millenium. that my marriage ended, even though it took another six years to finalize the divorce.

I have been living as a 'single', mostly alone, during that time. After spending more than half my life as part of a 'couple', I needed to learn how to be 'my independent self'; a separate, unique and whole individual.

I believe I have succeeded in the accomplishment of that task. I relish my independence now, yet hope for a life partner to share the best parts of myself.

Not just anyone will suffice. I have had much male interest, and a few 'courtship' proposals from good men, who would make wonderful husbands.

None of them were my counterpart. That knowledge prevented me from making, what I believe would have been, a mistake.

I would rather live my life alone than settle for less than 'the last love of my life', my soul mate.

Approaching Christmas

December 22nd means two more nights, then 'magic' time begins, or is it time for the 'Magi' to appear???

I must clarify that I use the word 'magic' to describe a sense of wonder to the mystery of the unknown, rather than as wizardy or trickery.

Since childhood, when my Dad convinced me that Santa could come down a 'chimney' with no fireplace, and through a trapdoor in the basement, I have believed in magic, especially on Christmas Eve.

As I learned to appreciate the true meaning of Christmas, the wonderment only grew brighter in my eyes. Add some large, softly-falling snowflakes to a velvety night, and the stage is set.

Last night, at an early Christmas service of light, the magic began sooner than anticipated.

As this is the first year without my Mom, I decided to remember her and other loved ones I have lost at this special candlelight service. I invited members of the DivorceCare group I facilitate to join me, and lo and behold, all but one did.

I found my grief was turned to peace in attending to those around me.

The child who brings light and love to the world settled deep within my heart and soul, and I feel ready to face the possibility of being alone until my children join me the day after Christmas.

Magically, I know I am always surrounded by family.

Escapism

As this date marks the five month anniversary of my mother's death, it is important for me to write here today.

After a one week 'escape' in a beautiful setting, I have come home to realize that even though I am now relaxed and ready to prepare for Christmas, my grief remains. I cannot really escape from the pain, only delay my reaction to it.

This day is cloudy and cool, which has a way of eliciting a teary feeling from me. Nostalgic Christmas music provides a melancholy background.

My siblings and family will gather this weekend to have an early celebration. Without my Mom at the centre, I am unsure how we each will relate and react. It will unfold naturally, of that I am certain.

I have just learned that my Christmas Day might not be as full as I had hoped, this first year without my Mom, and without both of my parents.

My children will be with their father and his second family for their dinner Christmas Eve, and the drive back the next day is unpredictable at this time of year. I will cook my traditional dinner and hope for the best.

Another 'escape' comes to mind, although I know my feelings and thoughts follow me wherever I go. A friend is travelling on Christmas Day and I am tempted to join her for the week.

However, 'escapism' is only temporary.

It is time for me to use my own grief to help others cope with the holidays.

Those who have experienced similar losses understand one another as others cannot.

My grief healing journey can be viewed as a gift to be passed on to others in their quest for relief. It is my responsibility to use it wisely.