Another Monday, and this one is sunny and cool. The last day of August reminds me that autumn is almost here. Labour Day is one week away. This time of year always triggers a grief reaction, just as spring awakens renewed hope in me.
Today began as a difficult one, with no one available for me. My mother was almost always there when I needed to hear her friendly voice. Her unconditional love is missing now.
My eldest called and invited me to join in a celebration of a new condo acquisition, which enabled me to redirect my focus. My joy and pride are my children. I enjoyed the time we spent together, and my long, fast-paced walk home.
Physicality does assist me, and I attempt to build it into each day as some form of exercise. I often listen to loud music, which feeds my soul, and energizes me. Dancing brings me joy.
I know that time will heal me, yet this is so hard.
Endings are difficult, just as beginnings are full of promise.
The cycle of life goes on, and I crave being in the natural world where my soul will feel at home.
I crave the embrace of another soul as well, who has been sadly absent lately.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Sunday
As it turns out, yesterday was not a better day for me, in spite of the sunshine. I decided not to take a sleeping pill, and consequently tossed and turned most of Friday night/Saturday morning.
My melancholy mood better suited the indoors. I did manage to declutter some old letters, cards, and photos from the first lover in my life, since the divorce. This was long overdue, to make room for the one I want now.
I also began to tackle a booklet (the first in a series of four) sent to me by the pastoral care minister. The intent is to normalize the grief process. It triggered tears, which I suspect is a normal reaction :)
Last night, I succumbed to the sleep medication. I dreamt of a stranger, who pulled me out of the water, not once, but repeatedly. I was not drowning each time I fell into the lake, yet was helped voluntarily. I would like to meet this kind and caring soul.
Today has been a more calm and happy one. I went to church again, and briefly spoke to friends. Then errands, and brunch with one of my adult children, whose company I always enjoy. I relish the time I get to spend with both of them. After all, they are the reasons I still live in this concrete jungle!
I hope to speak to my nephew, who leaves tonight for a teaching position in another part of the world. He will be gone, far from home, for one year. That is the plan, and we know what John Lennon thinks about life and plans!! However, I am hopeful that this one will be happily fulfilled.
Now, I will attempt to have a restful nap, which serves as a diversion some days; alone, unfortunately.
I shall see what tonight and tomorrow bring.
My melancholy mood better suited the indoors. I did manage to declutter some old letters, cards, and photos from the first lover in my life, since the divorce. This was long overdue, to make room for the one I want now.
I also began to tackle a booklet (the first in a series of four) sent to me by the pastoral care minister. The intent is to normalize the grief process. It triggered tears, which I suspect is a normal reaction :)
Last night, I succumbed to the sleep medication. I dreamt of a stranger, who pulled me out of the water, not once, but repeatedly. I was not drowning each time I fell into the lake, yet was helped voluntarily. I would like to meet this kind and caring soul.
Today has been a more calm and happy one. I went to church again, and briefly spoke to friends. Then errands, and brunch with one of my adult children, whose company I always enjoy. I relish the time I get to spend with both of them. After all, they are the reasons I still live in this concrete jungle!
I hope to speak to my nephew, who leaves tonight for a teaching position in another part of the world. He will be gone, far from home, for one year. That is the plan, and we know what John Lennon thinks about life and plans!! However, I am hopeful that this one will be happily fulfilled.
Now, I will attempt to have a restful nap, which serves as a diversion some days; alone, unfortunately.
I shall see what tonight and tomorrow bring.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Friday
Another weekend arrives. Today, my tears are at the surface, to match the cloudy, cool day I suppose.
I miss being held by someone who understands me and my feelings. Friends are helpful when available, and family members are busy with their own grieving. I try to keep busy too, deflecting the pain as best I can.
There is a kindred spirit out there, who has been guiding and comforting me through my grief, from a distance. My dreams of being together are not nearly the same as the reality would be. I know this, as I have been with this person before. Our souls did connect. Our attraction is palpable. Our comfortableness is like being home. Our similarities are striking. One of our challenges is distance. For now, I dream.
Sleep would be helpful, and tonight I might assist myself with medication. I only resort to a sleeping pill when several nights/weeks without rest has occurred. Inevitably, I cannot sleep the night after taking one, with or without another pill. It is a temporary relief.
Maybe I'll drink wine instead. Although, as relaxing as a few glasses can be, sleep will then elude me. There are no good solutions for me this night.
Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.
I miss being held by someone who understands me and my feelings. Friends are helpful when available, and family members are busy with their own grieving. I try to keep busy too, deflecting the pain as best I can.
There is a kindred spirit out there, who has been guiding and comforting me through my grief, from a distance. My dreams of being together are not nearly the same as the reality would be. I know this, as I have been with this person before. Our souls did connect. Our attraction is palpable. Our comfortableness is like being home. Our similarities are striking. One of our challenges is distance. For now, I dream.
Sleep would be helpful, and tonight I might assist myself with medication. I only resort to a sleeping pill when several nights/weeks without rest has occurred. Inevitably, I cannot sleep the night after taking one, with or without another pill. It is a temporary relief.
Maybe I'll drink wine instead. Although, as relaxing as a few glasses can be, sleep will then elude me. There are no good solutions for me this night.
Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
August 27, 2009
A few days have passed since this post. Perhaps it is indicative of the healing taking place. It could also be that I have been preoccupied with other things, or maybe both of these reasons are valid.
Today would have been my wedding anniversary; however, ten years have passed since any of these were celebrated. Now it is just another date. It doesn't trigger a reaction, although it is still early in the day.
Tuesday, I visited a dear friend, and rented a vehicle to do so, as city living doesn't require me to own one. I must admit, the freedom I feel when on the open road may be worth the investment. To prepare for this outing, I paced myself the day before, and yesterday, the after effect necessitated a day of recuperation.
Once again, the reality of another loss, being financial, sets in. During the marriage, some poor business decisions created a financial disaster for my family. What is that saying, "The higher you go, the further you fall", or something like that. We did go far, and we did fall hard.
The stress of that loss took its' toll on both the relationship, and my health. Several losses which occurred simultaneously, or within short periods of one another, became overwhelming. The chronic illness which followed, created another very real financial loss as well, and is one I live with each and every day.
However, once again the strength my mother gave me, my father's common sense, along with great values, being a 'balanced' Libran, and most importantly, my faith, enable me to manage my lifestyle in accordance with my income.
What I miss is the freedom that monetary wealth provides. One day, I hope that recovery will allow me to once again enjoy the ability to earn substantially, and have fun doing it!
Today would have been my wedding anniversary; however, ten years have passed since any of these were celebrated. Now it is just another date. It doesn't trigger a reaction, although it is still early in the day.
Tuesday, I visited a dear friend, and rented a vehicle to do so, as city living doesn't require me to own one. I must admit, the freedom I feel when on the open road may be worth the investment. To prepare for this outing, I paced myself the day before, and yesterday, the after effect necessitated a day of recuperation.
Once again, the reality of another loss, being financial, sets in. During the marriage, some poor business decisions created a financial disaster for my family. What is that saying, "The higher you go, the further you fall", or something like that. We did go far, and we did fall hard.
The stress of that loss took its' toll on both the relationship, and my health. Several losses which occurred simultaneously, or within short periods of one another, became overwhelming. The chronic illness which followed, created another very real financial loss as well, and is one I live with each and every day.
However, once again the strength my mother gave me, my father's common sense, along with great values, being a 'balanced' Libran, and most importantly, my faith, enable me to manage my lifestyle in accordance with my income.
What I miss is the freedom that monetary wealth provides. One day, I hope that recovery will allow me to once again enjoy the ability to earn substantially, and have fun doing it!
Monday, August 24, 2009
A new Monday
Another Monday, and I am sailing more smoothly through this one. When the tears well up, I am able to refocus my thoughts to happier moments, and then the waves subside before having a chance to gather momentum. I do not know if I will be this successful another time, but today I am enjoying this reprieve. I fill my day with mundane, yet necessary tasks, and enjoy the distraction they bring.
When night falls, a different story unfolds. Sleep eludes me, and when I do descend, it is into an alpha state, where I am aware of waking easily throughout the darkness. Even when I dream, I am aware of what is happening, and am easily able to wake myself should the dream become threatening. With little refreshing or deep sleep, I find it difficult to rouse myself from bed in the morning. It takes a long while and much caffeine to encourage me to begin the day.
Part of this is the grief process, yet another is a remnant from another type of loss I incurred several years ago.
When still married, and very active with career and family, six months after the death of my father, I developed an illness called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. A misnomer, which is similar to calling Pneumonia 'chronic cough syndrome', there are multiple layers to CFS, not simply fatigue.
I have learned, mostly after the separation and subsequent divorce, to pace myself, and to live successfully with this chronic condition. My life is akin to making bank deposits and withdrawals, only I am the bank, and I make deposits and withdrawals of energy, as opposed to money. My life is simplified from necessity. Recovery is ongoing.
When another loss occurs, I must be extra kind to myself, and not allow my progressive success to be jeopardized. Quite a balancing act indeed! Thankfully, I am a Libran, and balance is always my goal.
When night falls, a different story unfolds. Sleep eludes me, and when I do descend, it is into an alpha state, where I am aware of waking easily throughout the darkness. Even when I dream, I am aware of what is happening, and am easily able to wake myself should the dream become threatening. With little refreshing or deep sleep, I find it difficult to rouse myself from bed in the morning. It takes a long while and much caffeine to encourage me to begin the day.
Part of this is the grief process, yet another is a remnant from another type of loss I incurred several years ago.
When still married, and very active with career and family, six months after the death of my father, I developed an illness called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. A misnomer, which is similar to calling Pneumonia 'chronic cough syndrome', there are multiple layers to CFS, not simply fatigue.
I have learned, mostly after the separation and subsequent divorce, to pace myself, and to live successfully with this chronic condition. My life is akin to making bank deposits and withdrawals, only I am the bank, and I make deposits and withdrawals of energy, as opposed to money. My life is simplified from necessity. Recovery is ongoing.
When another loss occurs, I must be extra kind to myself, and not allow my progressive success to be jeopardized. Quite a balancing act indeed! Thankfully, I am a Libran, and balance is always my goal.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Sunday
This morning I actually looked forward to going to church. It is only the second time I have attended a service since my mother's funeral. The first occasion felt uncomfortable, as I was not yet ready to be with others in the community.
I enjoyed the people I interacted with today, an emerging healing experience. Today I felt almost normal.
There is a coolness in the air, a hint of autumn. The last days of summer bring about some sadness, as I realize the green leaves will soon turn, wither and die, with winter in fast pursuit.
However, I will enjoy the changing seasons as I always do, even though travel is made more difficult in the winter months.
"There is a time for everything under heaven", as the verse begins. And the seasons are a metaphor for birth, youth, adulthood and death. The cycle goes on, and it is when one's life is cut short in one of the first three seasons, that the natural order of things is disturbed.
I am reminded of my godson nephew's untimely death in his youth, on my birthday. This loss was the first unnatural one in my family, and changed forever the way I view life. As I mentioned in an earlier post, the death of my mother, which left me orphaned, resurrected all of the other losses in my life. More about those in future posts.
I enjoyed the people I interacted with today, an emerging healing experience. Today I felt almost normal.
There is a coolness in the air, a hint of autumn. The last days of summer bring about some sadness, as I realize the green leaves will soon turn, wither and die, with winter in fast pursuit.
However, I will enjoy the changing seasons as I always do, even though travel is made more difficult in the winter months.
"There is a time for everything under heaven", as the verse begins. And the seasons are a metaphor for birth, youth, adulthood and death. The cycle goes on, and it is when one's life is cut short in one of the first three seasons, that the natural order of things is disturbed.
I am reminded of my godson nephew's untimely death in his youth, on my birthday. This loss was the first unnatural one in my family, and changed forever the way I view life. As I mentioned in an earlier post, the death of my mother, which left me orphaned, resurrected all of the other losses in my life. More about those in future posts.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
August 22, 2009
The "best laid plans", as the saying goes.
In my gear, feeling a little like 'Indiana Jones' (wearing my Tilley hat on a tilt gives me that air), on a naturalist (safari) adventure (the first since my Mom died), the transit I needed to take, to get to the gathering point in my venture, was indefinitely suspended. With a sinking feeling, I realized that I would never get there in time to join the group. The next best thing was to walk the waterfront to an ecological garden in the city.
Alone, with binoculars and lunch in tow, I spotted a few butterflies and birds, as well as numerous varieties of trees and flowers, inundated with bumble and honey bees. With the scent of lavender and other sweet perfumes in the air, I enjoyed nature in the city. Unfortunately, the sounds of vehicles next to this oasis disturbed my illusion of being in a peaceful, natural setting.
I am proud of myself for continuing to seek wildlife, in spite of the setback. I could have chosen to return home and grieve indoors. Much better for me to be outdoors among creatures I feel connected to, rather than alone with my thoughts.
I also sense that some of my humour is returning. Mom would be proud too.
In my gear, feeling a little like 'Indiana Jones' (wearing my Tilley hat on a tilt gives me that air), on a naturalist (safari) adventure (the first since my Mom died), the transit I needed to take, to get to the gathering point in my venture, was indefinitely suspended. With a sinking feeling, I realized that I would never get there in time to join the group. The next best thing was to walk the waterfront to an ecological garden in the city.
Alone, with binoculars and lunch in tow, I spotted a few butterflies and birds, as well as numerous varieties of trees and flowers, inundated with bumble and honey bees. With the scent of lavender and other sweet perfumes in the air, I enjoyed nature in the city. Unfortunately, the sounds of vehicles next to this oasis disturbed my illusion of being in a peaceful, natural setting.
I am proud of myself for continuing to seek wildlife, in spite of the setback. I could have chosen to return home and grieve indoors. Much better for me to be outdoors among creatures I feel connected to, rather than alone with my thoughts.
I also sense that some of my humour is returning. Mom would be proud too.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Friday
Another beautiful morning, after a devastating tornado last evening. I was lucky it did not touch down where I live, like the tidal wave I have missed so far; a metaphor for my journey. My heart goes out to all affected.
Today I will get back into a routine of fitness, and keep myself busy. Hopefully, I can begin to filter my thoughts when grief is triggered, to help myself move forward.
Tomorrow I plan to join others in an outdoor conservation setting, removed from the city. This will be the beginning of a new venture.
I need more structure in my life and will work toward building the foundation.
Today I will get back into a routine of fitness, and keep myself busy. Hopefully, I can begin to filter my thoughts when grief is triggered, to help myself move forward.
Tomorrow I plan to join others in an outdoor conservation setting, removed from the city. This will be the beginning of a new venture.
I need more structure in my life and will work toward building the foundation.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Thursday
One of the feelings of grief that is resurfacing, especially now, is loneliness. Not only for my Mom, but also for the comfort of a partner, someone who would unconditionally accept and love me.
Separation and divorce created a major loss in my life. Almost thirty years spent with the same person, left me gasping for air for several years. I could say that the 'after spouse' years were 'lost' years; however, in actuality, they became 'growth' years, and I am in a constant state of flux, learning new things about myself, each and every day. On this day, being held by a partner would be reassuring.
I do not know how long I will drift, and feel in a state of transition. My confidence is shaken, and the waves of grief upset my balance. I only know that all things in the natural, outdoor world, bring me peace, and ground me. That is where I need to be.
The challenge for me, is that I now live in a very large city, surrounded by concrete and people. My adult children live here, and they are the reasons I do as well, for now.
One day at a time is how I live.
Separation and divorce created a major loss in my life. Almost thirty years spent with the same person, left me gasping for air for several years. I could say that the 'after spouse' years were 'lost' years; however, in actuality, they became 'growth' years, and I am in a constant state of flux, learning new things about myself, each and every day. On this day, being held by a partner would be reassuring.
I do not know how long I will drift, and feel in a state of transition. My confidence is shaken, and the waves of grief upset my balance. I only know that all things in the natural, outdoor world, bring me peace, and ground me. That is where I need to be.
The challenge for me, is that I now live in a very large city, surrounded by concrete and people. My adult children live here, and they are the reasons I do as well, for now.
One day at a time is how I live.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
August 19, 2009
Another bright, sunshine-filled day. What am I doing here at the keyboard?? Normally, I would have been outside long before now; however, nothing is as it was.
I often think of calling my Mom just to say hello, and when the reality faces me, a wave washes over me. I wait for the tidal wave to hit. So far I am lucky, and only storms I can handle have erupted. I drift, alone. I am vulnerable and strong at the same time. In nature, I can be myself, and feel less lost in this world.
I will put on dark glasses to protect my eyes from the rays as I venture out today. And when/if the tears well up, these shades will also hide my pain. Most people will not understand.
That is the reason I am writing to you, to the universe, with the hope that my words, and more importantly my thoughts and feelings behind them, will reach those souls who can understand. This will bring me comfort.
I often think of calling my Mom just to say hello, and when the reality faces me, a wave washes over me. I wait for the tidal wave to hit. So far I am lucky, and only storms I can handle have erupted. I drift, alone. I am vulnerable and strong at the same time. In nature, I can be myself, and feel less lost in this world.
I will put on dark glasses to protect my eyes from the rays as I venture out today. And when/if the tears well up, these shades will also hide my pain. Most people will not understand.
That is the reason I am writing to you, to the universe, with the hope that my words, and more importantly my thoughts and feelings behind them, will reach those souls who can understand. This will bring me comfort.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Today
Today is a new day. I have begun to declutter my space, and in the process I am hoping to do the same with my life.
I want to allow new people and experiences to enter my realm. Perhaps my drifting will be more enjoyable with like-minded souls.
My mother's photographs are now in their proper places, after many turbulent emotions, and a flood of tears. The sympathy cards are next on my agenda, but not today.
I mentioned last time that I had the first dream of my Mom since her death.
Dreams are fascinating to me. Not only can they be symbolic of various aspects of my life, and reflective of my current feelings; but also, in my experience, prophetic.
Before my Dad died, almost fifteen years ago, I had a dream in which I was transported to another dimension. Here, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, warmth, and light. I felt total, unconditional love, and I did not want to leave. Then I awoke with a start, as I realized that this was where my father was going. Approximately one month later, he died suddenly, in the night.
In my recent dream, I was observing my mother as she stood before me in a room with half a floor. Her back was to the pitfall, and as I opened my mouth to warn her to not back up, she did step back. As she fell into the hole, I reached down, grabbed her arm, and pulled her up onto the floor, as opposed to being pulled down with her.
A feeling of superhuman strength ensued, until I awoke to the realization that I had not been able to save her in reality. I am only human after all, and there are many things I cannot control.
Trusting in a supernatural being, creator of the universe, and having faith that life will unfold naturally, instills a sense of peace; yet, it is a task I work at constantly. My will is so very strong.
I want to allow new people and experiences to enter my realm. Perhaps my drifting will be more enjoyable with like-minded souls.
My mother's photographs are now in their proper places, after many turbulent emotions, and a flood of tears. The sympathy cards are next on my agenda, but not today.
I mentioned last time that I had the first dream of my Mom since her death.
Dreams are fascinating to me. Not only can they be symbolic of various aspects of my life, and reflective of my current feelings; but also, in my experience, prophetic.
Before my Dad died, almost fifteen years ago, I had a dream in which I was transported to another dimension. Here, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, warmth, and light. I felt total, unconditional love, and I did not want to leave. Then I awoke with a start, as I realized that this was where my father was going. Approximately one month later, he died suddenly, in the night.
In my recent dream, I was observing my mother as she stood before me in a room with half a floor. Her back was to the pitfall, and as I opened my mouth to warn her to not back up, she did step back. As she fell into the hole, I reached down, grabbed her arm, and pulled her up onto the floor, as opposed to being pulled down with her.
A feeling of superhuman strength ensued, until I awoke to the realization that I had not been able to save her in reality. I am only human after all, and there are many things I cannot control.
Trusting in a supernatural being, creator of the universe, and having faith that life will unfold naturally, instills a sense of peace; yet, it is a task I work at constantly. My will is so very strong.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Monday
"Rainy days and Mondays"... Well, it is Monday, and a hot, sunny summer's day, no rain in sight. Small waves wash over me today, and my tears replace raindrops.
Yesterday was a good day. With siblings and family I felt like me once more, almost. I was able to laugh with them and at myself.
The best connection was my encounter with a tiny, red-legged grasshopper. We extended our greeting by walking toward each other. We stopped and peered into eyes with glints of recognition. Then we each went our own way. The peace I felt was instantaneous, and stays with me still.
Soon, I will attempt to put some pictures of my mother in their proper places. For several weeks her photos lay in full view, where I must pass her each time I enter and leave. Now that I've had my first dream of her since she died, I am ready to declutter my living space. More about that dream in another post.
Yesterday was a good day. With siblings and family I felt like me once more, almost. I was able to laugh with them and at myself.
The best connection was my encounter with a tiny, red-legged grasshopper. We extended our greeting by walking toward each other. We stopped and peered into eyes with glints of recognition. Then we each went our own way. The peace I felt was instantaneous, and stays with me still.
Soon, I will attempt to put some pictures of my mother in their proper places. For several weeks her photos lay in full view, where I must pass her each time I enter and leave. Now that I've had my first dream of her since she died, I am ready to declutter my living space. More about that dream in another post.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
August 16, 2009
Today promises to be a good one. It is summer and sunshine beckons me.
My siblings and I will gather, and in them, my parents will live for me again.
A rural setting surrounded by wildlife and forest will comfort me.
I find the most peace I feel these days is among nature's gifts, both animate and inanimate, other than human beings. My spirit connects to the earth in this way and grounds me. The drifting I feel is then somehow normalized, almost soothing, like a rocking chair. "Mother Earth" takes on an accurate and tangible meaning for me now. She helps me to feel less lost.
I will let you know how this day goes, in another post, as "Life is what happens when you're making other plans", courtesy of John Lennon, I believe.
My siblings and I will gather, and in them, my parents will live for me again.
A rural setting surrounded by wildlife and forest will comfort me.
I find the most peace I feel these days is among nature's gifts, both animate and inanimate, other than human beings. My spirit connects to the earth in this way and grounds me. The drifting I feel is then somehow normalized, almost soothing, like a rocking chair. "Mother Earth" takes on an accurate and tangible meaning for me now. She helps me to feel less lost.
I will let you know how this day goes, in another post, as "Life is what happens when you're making other plans", courtesy of John Lennon, I believe.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
August 15, 2009
My most recent journey began one month ago today. The date my mother died.
Unlike other losses in my life, this one rendered me an 'orphan'. My anchor is gone, and now I drift.
I am finding that each day is different. Today is a good one so far; only a few ripples.
I plan to share my experiences and feelings with you, as I ride the waves of grief.
This emotional roller coaster is unlike any other I have experienced; perhaps because all of my other losses resurface more acutely this time. Some are death-related, while others are not. The feelings are similar.
Another post will follow when energy permits.
Unlike other losses in my life, this one rendered me an 'orphan'. My anchor is gone, and now I drift.
I am finding that each day is different. Today is a good one so far; only a few ripples.
I plan to share my experiences and feelings with you, as I ride the waves of grief.
This emotional roller coaster is unlike any other I have experienced; perhaps because all of my other losses resurface more acutely this time. Some are death-related, while others are not. The feelings are similar.
Another post will follow when energy permits.
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