As the old year draws to an end and the new one is about to begin, I am ready for a new beginning where an ending has occurred in my own life.
For the past few years, I have mistakenly believed that my 'last love' would be my 'soul mate'.
In this the autumn of my life, several months of it have included an attraction to someone who felt familiar, known and comfortable.
His soul was like a mirror to mine, reflecting back to me what needed healing in my own. I did not realize this truth at the time, which often happens without the benefit of 'hindsight'.
This individual guided me through my grief when my mother died, which deepened the bond I felt.
It was a shock; actually paradoxical to me, when I discovered that with all of the comfortable feelings I had for him, passion was not one of them.
In spite of that reality, had he allowed me to do so, I would have continued on that path hoping to fall 'in' love with him.
Knowing my struggle with this paradox of how I could feel such a comfortable connection to this man's soul but not passion for him, a friend of mine recently quoted to me another woman writer's thoughts regarding 'soul mates'.
What resonated with me was the idea that a 'soul mate' is actually someone whose soul mirrors one's own, to reveal what needs to be learned about oneself.
In my case, the familiar depth of pain I connected with in this man's soul, was telling me that mine needed healing. I know that now.
Being a caregiver throughout most of my life, I was not looking at myself, but rather was trying to share my own perspectives which I hoped might help him to heal his pain.
The truth is that only he can heal his soul in his own way and time, should he choose to do so.
My responsibility is to heal the pain in my own soul.
I had already begun this process several years ago through embodying my emotion in the poetry I composed.
Then I continued healing in nature through hiking.
I encompassed this as a 'task', wrongly thinking that the more disciplined my approach, the faster the healing would occur, which has had pros and cons.
The physical effects are tangible, yet the emotional relief is temporary.
In the beginning, I was 'running away' from the pain of my grief while hiking quickly on the earth that grounded me.
My approach has since changed to one of just 'being' in nature while walking.
My blog writing, which began as part of my grief healing process, has now become a passionate pursuit that brings great enjoyment to my life.
With the revealing insight I have recently acquired (thanks to my good friend) and shared here, I am now ready to sincerely thank each 'soul mate' who has entered and left my life for the incredible gifts that their souls have provided to my own.
Additionally, I have drawn closer to the 'spiritual light' that is the most powerful healing tool of all.
Above all else for me, this is my one true 'last lasting love'.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Christmas Blessings
One week today is Christmas!
A few weeks ago I wrote on my website that I was ready to inwardly and outwardly prepare for His arrival.
In the interim, illness has prevented me from shopping, decorating, festive dinners and parties with friends; the outward trappings.
However, I am happy to report that this 'downtime' afforded me the opportunity to be still and listen, to travel inward more easily.
As life would have it, one of my siblings needed surgery during that time and is now recuperating.
My quietness allowed me to send constant healing prayers and positive wishes.
We might not all be able to celebrate together this year yet will be close in spirit.
Now that I am ready to play 'catch up' with some holiday traditions, I found the last Christmas card my mother gave me the year before she died.
Seeing the words of love and well wishes written in her own steady hand brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my lips.
I could hear her voice speaking to me as I read what she wrote.
Her card is on display with the others I have received.
Her favourite wreath now graces my door. Little reminders of her are all around me.
My Dad is always in my heart, especially during this season.
He was Santa for his family every year throughout his lifetime!
Feeling the 'pinch' with less than a week to go, I expressed my thoughts to my children and their outpouring of support brightened my day.
Messages of faith, hope, love and peace are Christmas blessings which are sent in a multitude of ways, just when needed the most.
A few weeks ago I wrote on my website that I was ready to inwardly and outwardly prepare for His arrival.
In the interim, illness has prevented me from shopping, decorating, festive dinners and parties with friends; the outward trappings.
However, I am happy to report that this 'downtime' afforded me the opportunity to be still and listen, to travel inward more easily.
As life would have it, one of my siblings needed surgery during that time and is now recuperating.
My quietness allowed me to send constant healing prayers and positive wishes.
We might not all be able to celebrate together this year yet will be close in spirit.
Now that I am ready to play 'catch up' with some holiday traditions, I found the last Christmas card my mother gave me the year before she died.
Seeing the words of love and well wishes written in her own steady hand brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my lips.
I could hear her voice speaking to me as I read what she wrote.
Her card is on display with the others I have received.
Her favourite wreath now graces my door. Little reminders of her are all around me.
My Dad is always in my heart, especially during this season.
He was Santa for his family every year throughout his lifetime!
Feeling the 'pinch' with less than a week to go, I expressed my thoughts to my children and their outpouring of support brightened my day.
Messages of faith, hope, love and peace are Christmas blessings which are sent in a multitude of ways, just when needed the most.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Home for the Holidays
Today Elizabeth Edwards died.
Yesterday Mark Dailey succumbed to cancer as well.
They were four years apart in age, both battling illness for several years.
Each was a high profile person in her/his own circle.
Mrs. Edwards was a mother, attorney, author, and the estranged wife of once presidential hopeful, John Edwards.
Mr. Dailey was a husband, father, more than a thirty year veteran of Citytv as the news 'voice' of Toronto, and a former police officer.
They were both American born.
There are many people in this world who die on the days leading into Christmas.
My father was one of those, albeit sixteen years ago on November 24th.
Christmas was his favourite time of year.
As difficult as it is for loved ones left behind at this time of year, eventually the treasured memories one has of celebrating festivities of this season in past years will overshadow the heart-wrenching grief and void felt without this important person's tangible presence on earth.
I recall thinking at the time my father died, and subsequently whenever I hear of others who die during this season, that they have gone 'home for the holidays' where I believe they are welcomed with more love, light, warmth and peace than we can imagine,
Yesterday Mark Dailey succumbed to cancer as well.
They were four years apart in age, both battling illness for several years.
Each was a high profile person in her/his own circle.
Mrs. Edwards was a mother, attorney, author, and the estranged wife of once presidential hopeful, John Edwards.
Mr. Dailey was a husband, father, more than a thirty year veteran of Citytv as the news 'voice' of Toronto, and a former police officer.
They were both American born.
There are many people in this world who die on the days leading into Christmas.
My father was one of those, albeit sixteen years ago on November 24th.
Christmas was his favourite time of year.
As difficult as it is for loved ones left behind at this time of year, eventually the treasured memories one has of celebrating festivities of this season in past years will overshadow the heart-wrenching grief and void felt without this important person's tangible presence on earth.
I recall thinking at the time my father died, and subsequently whenever I hear of others who die during this season, that they have gone 'home for the holidays' where I believe they are welcomed with more love, light, warmth and peace than we can imagine,
. . . . a reunion of souls fit for the 'stars' . . . .
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Mixed Blessings
This season holds mixed blessings.
My past is rich with memories warming my heart, delighting my soul.
My present includes gifts of sadness and joy, grief and hope, balancing my life.
My future unfolds mysteriously, one day at a time, embracing my dreams.
My past is rich with memories warming my heart, delighting my soul.
My present includes gifts of sadness and joy, grief and hope, balancing my life.
My future unfolds mysteriously, one day at a time, embracing my dreams.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Security
Well Mom, I tried to not write here today.
See where that got me!
Here again, sixteen months to the day you died.
Just am not ready to let go of this 'security blanket', as my grief healing journal still gives me comfort.
It is a sunny, almost mild day in the middle of November, and that makes it hard to 'fall' into winter, although our clocks fell back one hour a week ago.
Since I cannot stop the season, I had better prepare myself for the cold, dark months ahead.
I sincerely hope we have enough snow this year to brighten our lives in the northern hemisphere.
I will attempt to stick it out here this winter, without a southern escape, to take the time to plan my next move.
I am a few steps closer to that decision as I now know where I do not want to live.
Seems like it will be a process of elimination that will determine my choice, without any clear motivation at this moment in time.
However, life's journey has a way of changing when it's least expected, and armed with that knowledge, who knows where my steps will lead!
In the meantime, I will continue to wrap myself in the warmth of my written words whenever I want to feel secure . . . .
See where that got me!
Here again, sixteen months to the day you died.
Just am not ready to let go of this 'security blanket', as my grief healing journal still gives me comfort.
It is a sunny, almost mild day in the middle of November, and that makes it hard to 'fall' into winter, although our clocks fell back one hour a week ago.
Since I cannot stop the season, I had better prepare myself for the cold, dark months ahead.
I sincerely hope we have enough snow this year to brighten our lives in the northern hemisphere.
I will attempt to stick it out here this winter, without a southern escape, to take the time to plan my next move.
I am a few steps closer to that decision as I now know where I do not want to live.
Seems like it will be a process of elimination that will determine my choice, without any clear motivation at this moment in time.
However, life's journey has a way of changing when it's least expected, and armed with that knowledge, who knows where my steps will lead!
In the meantime, I will continue to wrap myself in the warmth of my written words whenever I want to feel secure . . . .
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Reflectiveness
Remembrance Day is a sad if reflective time.
My heart feels as though it will break.
Teardrops fall among sunny moments.
Music provides momentary relief, while solemn notes match my mood.
Grief surfaces as I recall and silently thank those veterans, past and present, who served us all.
These waves touch each and every one . . .
My heart feels as though it will break.
Teardrops fall among sunny moments.
Music provides momentary relief, while solemn notes match my mood.
Grief surfaces as I recall and silently thank those veterans, past and present, who served us all.
These waves touch each and every one . . .
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Moments in Time
Tomorrow signals the end of October.
Halloween was always a flurry of activity in my household, first as a child myself, and then later as a mother.
Homemade costumes were the order of the day in both scenarios; I being the recipient in the former and creator in the latter.
As a parent, I recall 'dressing up' while dishing out goodies as the greeter of 'trick or treaters'.
One year I might be 'fiercely frightening' and the next 'creatively colourful'.
Those were 'fun' and tender times.
My inner child easily surfaced with young children of my own to show me the way.
Now it takes a little more work to engineer the journey inward to find her.
Memories conjure moments lost, while feelings of anticipation linger . . .
Halloween was always a flurry of activity in my household, first as a child myself, and then later as a mother.
Homemade costumes were the order of the day in both scenarios; I being the recipient in the former and creator in the latter.
As a parent, I recall 'dressing up' while dishing out goodies as the greeter of 'trick or treaters'.
One year I might be 'fiercely frightening' and the next 'creatively colourful'.
Those were 'fun' and tender times.
My inner child easily surfaced with young children of my own to show me the way.
Now it takes a little more work to engineer the journey inward to find her.
Memories conjure moments lost, while feelings of anticipation linger . . .
Friday, October 15, 2010
Moving Forward
Fifteen months ago on the 15th deserves a note, Mom.
Although I have been grieving, and more so lately, your death is feeling a little more distant.
I keep you in my heart and maybe that is the reason.
Lots of changes are happening.
I cannot go back; I must move forward.
No matter what my age I will continue to learn, grow and enjoy my life.
Travel has its place.
Now I embark on another journey to fulfil my destiny.
'Timing is everything', and this is the moment, my moment.
Although I have been grieving, and more so lately, your death is feeling a little more distant.
I keep you in my heart and maybe that is the reason.
Lots of changes are happening.
I cannot go back; I must move forward.
No matter what my age I will continue to learn, grow and enjoy my life.
Travel has its place.
Now I embark on another journey to fulfil my destiny.
'Timing is everything', and this is the moment, my moment.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Time for Reflection
Thanksgiving weekend is about to begin in Canada. It is time to harvest and share the bounty.
With a very long, hot, sunny summer behind us, and just the 'right' amount of rain, this year has seen a great growing season.
In fact, Ontario wines for 2010 are being touted, even before they ferment, as 'collector' vintage. We shall wait to 'nose', 'see', and 'taste'!
Every year, these upcoming few days are bittersweet for me.
In one of my posts last fall, I recall mentioning that fact.
As I am about to see another year since my birth go by, I remember my godson and nephew, who left us that same date fifteen years ago.
I give thanks for 'life', both mine and his.
None of us knows when it will end.
Each day is a gift, the present we share with others who cross our path.
It only takes a smile, a greeting, a laugh, or just a nod of the head, to lift the spirit of someone else.
A small but meaningful gesture goes a long way in life.
With a very long, hot, sunny summer behind us, and just the 'right' amount of rain, this year has seen a great growing season.
In fact, Ontario wines for 2010 are being touted, even before they ferment, as 'collector' vintage. We shall wait to 'nose', 'see', and 'taste'!
Every year, these upcoming few days are bittersweet for me.
In one of my posts last fall, I recall mentioning that fact.
As I am about to see another year since my birth go by, I remember my godson and nephew, who left us that same date fifteen years ago.
I give thanks for 'life', both mine and his.
None of us knows when it will end.
Each day is a gift, the present we share with others who cross our path.
It only takes a smile, a greeting, a laugh, or just a nod of the head, to lift the spirit of someone else.
A small but meaningful gesture goes a long way in life.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Fall Again
As September fades and another month advances, I feel a little like 'fall' myself.
At the risk of 'feeling sorry for myself', I will anyway.
Each of us is entitled to curl up in the fetal position and hibernate once in a while.
Too many losses occurring simultaneously can cause that reaction in me, as the sadness of every loss I have ever experienced is easily triggered when I feel overwhelmed.
Today is one of those times.
I wish my Mom were here to listen to me, or just to hear her talk would be comforting.
My Dad's reassuring voice and sense of humour would lighten my load as well.
In reality, at this moment in time, there is no living person who can give me the unconditional emotional support I need. That is a lonely feeling.
Spiritually, I can get what I need. Physically and emotionally I cannot.
My friends and family are involved in their own 'situations' and are 'unavailable' to me. In fact some of them need me and my strength.
I know logically that 'this too will pass', yet right now it is a painful process.
I still have my appetite which is a good sign. And I can count my blessings.
Perspective is always comforting.
The weather is cooperating with no rain today. The sun will shine.
I just need to 'let go' and allow these waves to crash into me if need be, knowing I will not drown. I haven't yet!
I am a survivor and have much to offer others in this life.
My purpose for having this gift of life is unfolding as it is intended, I do believe, and will be revealed to me as time goes on.
To accept this gift is to live my life for me. That is after all, what a gift is; free, with no 'strings' attached.
As I enjoy my life, the light and love I feel freely flows to others, which is the by-product. Perhaps that is the purpose . . .
I just feel the need to ask for a little help from another human being to change my course again.
Someone who is non-judgemental, objective, and can feed back my thoughts to me will be my choice. A dash of sensitivity is also a prerequisite.
I have always told others that to seek help when one needs it is a real sign of strength, not weakness.
I will practise what I preach.
At the risk of 'feeling sorry for myself', I will anyway.
Each of us is entitled to curl up in the fetal position and hibernate once in a while.
Too many losses occurring simultaneously can cause that reaction in me, as the sadness of every loss I have ever experienced is easily triggered when I feel overwhelmed.
Today is one of those times.
I wish my Mom were here to listen to me, or just to hear her talk would be comforting.
My Dad's reassuring voice and sense of humour would lighten my load as well.
In reality, at this moment in time, there is no living person who can give me the unconditional emotional support I need. That is a lonely feeling.
Spiritually, I can get what I need. Physically and emotionally I cannot.
My friends and family are involved in their own 'situations' and are 'unavailable' to me. In fact some of them need me and my strength.
I know logically that 'this too will pass', yet right now it is a painful process.
I still have my appetite which is a good sign. And I can count my blessings.
Perspective is always comforting.
The weather is cooperating with no rain today. The sun will shine.
I just need to 'let go' and allow these waves to crash into me if need be, knowing I will not drown. I haven't yet!
I am a survivor and have much to offer others in this life.
My purpose for having this gift of life is unfolding as it is intended, I do believe, and will be revealed to me as time goes on.
To accept this gift is to live my life for me. That is after all, what a gift is; free, with no 'strings' attached.
As I enjoy my life, the light and love I feel freely flows to others, which is the by-product. Perhaps that is the purpose . . .
I just feel the need to ask for a little help from another human being to change my course again.
Someone who is non-judgemental, objective, and can feed back my thoughts to me will be my choice. A dash of sensitivity is also a prerequisite.
I have always told others that to seek help when one needs it is a real sign of strength, not weakness.
I will practise what I preach.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Loss is Constant
The friend I have known the longest, and who probably knows me best, is moving thousands of miles away this week.
I have helped her with sorting/packing as much as I could, while maintaining a positive outlook.
It will be a good move for her, back to her home where family awaits.
And yet she leaves her 'family' of friends behind, whom she has accumulated over a multitude of decades.
Speaking for myself, I will be at a 'loss' without her nearby.
That is what I am feeling today. Grief for this loss, another change in my life.
Recently, I had to let go of the 'dream' of having a loving relationship with someone who had become a 'habit' in my life. Another loss.
As it turns out, many of my perceptions of this individual were inaccurate in reality.
It is easy to love the positive traits in another, and more difficult to embrace the 'whole' person.
I do have a way of accepting others 'unconditionally', which at times 'comes back to bite me', as some of these people are unable to return this kind of acceptance.
There are people in my life who repeat hurtful patterns of behaviour toward me.
Each time it has happened, I have forgiven them, with the hope that history would not repeat itself. Inevitably it does.
Some people do not change. I would ascertain that these individuals do not know themselves well enough to acknowledge or to assume responsibility for their hurtful behaviour.
One reason for this 'blind spot' is that they have an 'image' to uphold to themselves and to others in their world. To realize that they are doing something that disrespects another, would not 'fit' with their perception of themselves.
Another reason for this denial is that these persons view themselves as 'victims' when it involves being hurt, and they are unable in this particular stance to take ownership for their behaviour when it is hurtful to another.
Regardless of the reason(s) causing the behaviour, I have come to realize that I owe it to myself to no longer 'trust' someone who has repeatedly broken my trust and disrespected me.
Betrayal of my trust shows me that someone is untrustworthy.
Respect for myself necessitates that I distance myself from these persons, even when I love them.
Not only is change a constant in this life (even though some refuse to change their behaviour); losses in life are as well.
I have helped her with sorting/packing as much as I could, while maintaining a positive outlook.
It will be a good move for her, back to her home where family awaits.
And yet she leaves her 'family' of friends behind, whom she has accumulated over a multitude of decades.
Speaking for myself, I will be at a 'loss' without her nearby.
That is what I am feeling today. Grief for this loss, another change in my life.
Recently, I had to let go of the 'dream' of having a loving relationship with someone who had become a 'habit' in my life. Another loss.
As it turns out, many of my perceptions of this individual were inaccurate in reality.
It is easy to love the positive traits in another, and more difficult to embrace the 'whole' person.
I do have a way of accepting others 'unconditionally', which at times 'comes back to bite me', as some of these people are unable to return this kind of acceptance.
There are people in my life who repeat hurtful patterns of behaviour toward me.
Each time it has happened, I have forgiven them, with the hope that history would not repeat itself. Inevitably it does.
Some people do not change. I would ascertain that these individuals do not know themselves well enough to acknowledge or to assume responsibility for their hurtful behaviour.
One reason for this 'blind spot' is that they have an 'image' to uphold to themselves and to others in their world. To realize that they are doing something that disrespects another, would not 'fit' with their perception of themselves.
Another reason for this denial is that these persons view themselves as 'victims' when it involves being hurt, and they are unable in this particular stance to take ownership for their behaviour when it is hurtful to another.
Regardless of the reason(s) causing the behaviour, I have come to realize that I owe it to myself to no longer 'trust' someone who has repeatedly broken my trust and disrespected me.
Betrayal of my trust shows me that someone is untrustworthy.
Respect for myself necessitates that I distance myself from these persons, even when I love them.
Not only is change a constant in this life (even though some refuse to change their behaviour); losses in life are as well.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sunshine
Fourteen months have now passed with my Mom's own passing.
I have been travelling since my last post.
Wherever I went, although the forecast unpredictable and sometimes grim, sunshine welcomed me.
I recall that was the nickname given to my mother in her adolescent youth, "Sunshine", by the travellers and diners in restaurants where she waitressed.
Her smile obviously warmed the hearts of many who saw the sun shining in her face no matter what the weather.
I felt the warmth of her love along the way no matter how far I traversed.
My soul is at peace today with treasured memories easing the twinges of pain tugging at my heart.
A little rain in the form of teardrops will quickly dry in the warmth of my mother's "sunshine".
I have been travelling since my last post.
Wherever I went, although the forecast unpredictable and sometimes grim, sunshine welcomed me.
I recall that was the nickname given to my mother in her adolescent youth, "Sunshine", by the travellers and diners in restaurants where she waitressed.
Her smile obviously warmed the hearts of many who saw the sun shining in her face no matter what the weather.
I felt the warmth of her love along the way no matter how far I traversed.
My soul is at peace today with treasured memories easing the twinges of pain tugging at my heart.
A little rain in the form of teardrops will quickly dry in the warmth of my mother's "sunshine".
Monday, August 16, 2010
Renewal
Yesterday marked the 13th month without my mother.
I decided to spend the day hiking in the woods, even though the humidex registered 100 degrees F, with possible thunderstorms in the forecast.
A small group of us made for an enjoyable outing in spite of mosquitoes and deerflies.
It was good for me to be with others on this day.
The 8 mile trek seemed like what would be 12 in cooler temperatures, and the thunder, though close, only sent a warm rain, not lightning, at the end of the trail.
Afterward, washing away what the heavens did not felt soothing.
There were no tears to mix with raindrops and showerspray this day as in past months.
The prior week had used all of my soul's anguish, and even now as I recall those feelings my eyes brim.
They do not overflow, which tells me healing is replacing grief one day at a time.
As if on cue, my Mom's Christmas cactus sitting on her desk is blooming, signalling renewal even as fall approaches.
I decided to spend the day hiking in the woods, even though the humidex registered 100 degrees F, with possible thunderstorms in the forecast.
A small group of us made for an enjoyable outing in spite of mosquitoes and deerflies.
It was good for me to be with others on this day.
The 8 mile trek seemed like what would be 12 in cooler temperatures, and the thunder, though close, only sent a warm rain, not lightning, at the end of the trail.
Afterward, washing away what the heavens did not felt soothing.
There were no tears to mix with raindrops and showerspray this day as in past months.
The prior week had used all of my soul's anguish, and even now as I recall those feelings my eyes brim.
They do not overflow, which tells me healing is replacing grief one day at a time.
As if on cue, my Mom's Christmas cactus sitting on her desk is blooming, signalling renewal even as fall approaches.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
First Anniversary
As I sit at the computer on a beautiful, hot summer's day in July, I recall the hospital room I sat in one year ago today.
My mother lay there, as her spirit was leaving her shell of an earthly body.
The only thing I could do was watch, as I spoke softly in her ear, and encourage the staff to make her as comfortable as possible.
She was sleeping, and then she was gone.
This has been a long road for twelve months, and one journey I know will never really end until I meet her again on the other side.
In the meantime, I will relish the signs she sends, and live my life to the fullest, enjoying the moments.
The waves do wash over me occasionally, yet definitely not as harshly as in the beginning. I seem to be able to let myself go with them now, and surface calmer.
Yesterday I felt anxious and sad. I couldn't understand the reason, until I realized that my body was remembering how I felt twelve months ago.
The sympathy cards are laid to rest now, with my Mom.
The memories will always stay in my heart.
My hope is, that as time passes, the sadness will lessen with the arrival of each anniversary, and the love I feel for my mother will infinitely grow, encompassing others.
My mother lay there, as her spirit was leaving her shell of an earthly body.
The only thing I could do was watch, as I spoke softly in her ear, and encourage the staff to make her as comfortable as possible.
She was sleeping, and then she was gone.
This has been a long road for twelve months, and one journey I know will never really end until I meet her again on the other side.
In the meantime, I will relish the signs she sends, and live my life to the fullest, enjoying the moments.
The waves do wash over me occasionally, yet definitely not as harshly as in the beginning. I seem to be able to let myself go with them now, and surface calmer.
Yesterday I felt anxious and sad. I couldn't understand the reason, until I realized that my body was remembering how I felt twelve months ago.
The sympathy cards are laid to rest now, with my Mom.
The memories will always stay in my heart.
My hope is, that as time passes, the sadness will lessen with the arrival of each anniversary, and the love I feel for my mother will infinitely grow, encompassing others.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Happy Canada Day !
I could not let this day go by without acknowledging my birth country's one hundred and forty third birthday!
Very young indeed.
One year ago this morning was the last time my mother called to wish me a Happy Canada Day.
This was the day before she began having a series of strokes which took her life after two weeks of fighting their effects.
She was a very proud Canadian who took every opportunity to show it.
This one's for you Mom. Happy Canada Day!
Very young indeed.
One year ago this morning was the last time my mother called to wish me a Happy Canada Day.
This was the day before she began having a series of strokes which took her life after two weeks of fighting their effects.
She was a very proud Canadian who took every opportunity to show it.
This one's for you Mom. Happy Canada Day!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Signs of Life are Everywhere
Eleven months ago today my mother died in my presence. I felt her spirit leave her body. Her eyes stayed closed. She was at peace.
When I visited her graveside on her birthday, after my return from England, I felt at peace seeing the plaque completed with her year of death in addition to my father's.
Perhaps my sense of inner contentment relates to the knowledge deep within my soul that my parents are reunited and live in a spiritual dimension now.
When in England I observed many signs of life everywhere; of my Mom and my Dad.
I've already written about the Seven Sisters, and climbing them one month ago today, acknowledging one of my mother's seven sisters as I reached the crest of each of the seven cliffs.
On the 16th of May, the day after the ten month anniversary of my mother's death, I was on a hike which encompassed twelve miles of the 1066 Country Walk, retracing William the Conqueror's footsteps beginning at Pevensey Castle during the Norman invasion.
Pevensey Castle, 1066 Country
I have previously written about my father's ties to the Normans and Dover.
On the 1066 walk, in the long grass to my left, I noticed two pairs of ears topping the blades of green.
I exclaimed 'these must be rabbits', and one of the English hikers remarked that it must be 'hares', and that he had never seen one on this particular walk before.
In fact he acknowledged that he had not ever seen two hares at one time on any hike!!
I readied my camera and gingerly approached the direction of the pointed ears, when suddenly the pair bounded in sync before me so quickly that I had no time to react.
I stood and watched in amazement and awe as these magnificent creatures ran together in unison in a wide circle around us all and made their exit into places inaccessible by us, mere human mortals.
I have never seen a 'hare' before. Jack rabbits, rabbits and tiny bunnies, yes, but never a 'hare' and now I have seen a pair of them.
I felt their presence then.
The next day in Brighton, as my hiking group sat in a restaurant on the pier, I received a text message from my eldest daughter telling me about the dream from which she had just awakened.
My mother had visited her in the form of one of her seven sisters, and gave her a most wonderfully warm, solid, strong hug as she told her she wanted to get her 'hair' done.
I replied to my daughter recounting my experience with the pair of 'hares' on my 1066 hike the day before, and that I had climbed the Seven Sisters the day before that.
Yes, signs of life are everywhere . . .
When I visited her graveside on her birthday, after my return from England, I felt at peace seeing the plaque completed with her year of death in addition to my father's.
Perhaps my sense of inner contentment relates to the knowledge deep within my soul that my parents are reunited and live in a spiritual dimension now.
When in England I observed many signs of life everywhere; of my Mom and my Dad.
I've already written about the Seven Sisters, and climbing them one month ago today, acknowledging one of my mother's seven sisters as I reached the crest of each of the seven cliffs.
On the 16th of May, the day after the ten month anniversary of my mother's death, I was on a hike which encompassed twelve miles of the 1066 Country Walk, retracing William the Conqueror's footsteps beginning at Pevensey Castle during the Norman invasion.
Pevensey Castle, 1066 Country
I have previously written about my father's ties to the Normans and Dover.
On the 1066 walk, in the long grass to my left, I noticed two pairs of ears topping the blades of green.
I exclaimed 'these must be rabbits', and one of the English hikers remarked that it must be 'hares', and that he had never seen one on this particular walk before.
In fact he acknowledged that he had not ever seen two hares at one time on any hike!!
I readied my camera and gingerly approached the direction of the pointed ears, when suddenly the pair bounded in sync before me so quickly that I had no time to react.
I stood and watched in amazement and awe as these magnificent creatures ran together in unison in a wide circle around us all and made their exit into places inaccessible by us, mere human mortals.
I have never seen a 'hare' before. Jack rabbits, rabbits and tiny bunnies, yes, but never a 'hare' and now I have seen a pair of them.
I felt their presence then.
The next day in Brighton, as my hiking group sat in a restaurant on the pier, I received a text message from my eldest daughter telling me about the dream from which she had just awakened.
My mother had visited her in the form of one of her seven sisters, and gave her a most wonderfully warm, solid, strong hug as she told her she wanted to get her 'hair' done.
I replied to my daughter recounting my experience with the pair of 'hares' on my 1066 hike the day before, and that I had climbed the Seven Sisters the day before that.
Yes, signs of life are everywhere . . .
Friday, June 11, 2010
The White Cliffs of Dover
As I mentioned in my last post, today is the two week mark of my return from England.
My thoughts are with my Dad and the day I spent in Dover.
Thanks to my friend who drove to Eastbourne in the morning to get me, and then to Dover, Deal, and delivered me back again that same night, I was able to enjoy the experience of being in the place where my paternal ancestry lived.
However, I know I need to follow what my father's advice would be regarding my 'platonic' friendship with this man.
As much as I like his company, I feel no 'chemistry' as he does, and to be fair, I can no longer enjoy the friendship as I once did when I was 'unaware' of his attraction to me.
Another loss, yet I believe it is a necessary one for both of us. I thank my friend for what he has brought to my life, and I wish him well in his life and love.
That day in England, I walked the Dover pier where my first 'sign' that my father was with me appeared before my feet.
The 'ladybug' has a special significance for my daughters and me regarding my Dad. It not only brings 'luck', but also carries a message of his 'presence'.
The ferries frequenting Calais, Boulogne and other French and British ports of call were captured by my lens as I stood on the pier.
The morning fog lifted by early afternoon, enabling me to see the country 22 miles from where I stood at the Dover cliffs.
France is home to the Normans, of whom my father and I in turn descend, who invaded England, changing the course of history, including my own.
I have not stood on that French ground yet; however, now I have seen it.
I acquired a piece of 'chalk' from the cliffs, as well as a perfect lone 'snail' shell which appeared intact at my feet while I stood there.
Snail shells are mostly made from calcium carbonate, the same as the 'chalk' which form the white cliffs of Dover.
Thank you . . .
My thoughts are with my Dad and the day I spent in Dover.
Thanks to my friend who drove to Eastbourne in the morning to get me, and then to Dover, Deal, and delivered me back again that same night, I was able to enjoy the experience of being in the place where my paternal ancestry lived.
However, I know I need to follow what my father's advice would be regarding my 'platonic' friendship with this man.
As much as I like his company, I feel no 'chemistry' as he does, and to be fair, I can no longer enjoy the friendship as I once did when I was 'unaware' of his attraction to me.
Another loss, yet I believe it is a necessary one for both of us. I thank my friend for what he has brought to my life, and I wish him well in his life and love.
That day in England, I walked the Dover pier where my first 'sign' that my father was with me appeared before my feet.
The 'ladybug' has a special significance for my daughters and me regarding my Dad. It not only brings 'luck', but also carries a message of his 'presence'.
The ferries frequenting Calais, Boulogne and other French and British ports of call were captured by my lens as I stood on the pier.
The morning fog lifted by early afternoon, enabling me to see the country 22 miles from where I stood at the Dover cliffs.
France is home to the Normans, of whom my father and I in turn descend, who invaded England, changing the course of history, including my own.
I have not stood on that French ground yet; however, now I have seen it.
I acquired a piece of 'chalk' from the cliffs, as well as a perfect lone 'snail' shell which appeared intact at my feet while I stood there.
Snail shells are mostly made from calcium carbonate, the same as the 'chalk' which form the white cliffs of Dover.
Thank you . . .
Thursday, June 10, 2010
It was meant to be . . .
Two weeks ago tomorrow I will have returned from England.
Even though I had never included the UK on my list of 'must' places to see, to me this trip was obviously 'meant to be'.
I have been open to receiving 'messages' from dreams and observing 'signs' from loved ones who have died, since 1994, prior to and after my Dad's death.
I have referred to one of these in a past post, and will write about others in the future.
For now, I will say that the following facts all point me to the conclusion that I was indeed called intuitively to experience parts of Great Britain.
My Mom's resemblance to Queen Elizabeth II has been commented on by people ever since I can recall. She did take an interest in the royal family.
My mother had the privilege of meeting the queen and shaking her hand at a government function in Canada.
She had never travelled overseas nor to England, even though her parental heritage originated in Europe from various parts of the Ukraine and Austria.
My Dad's paternal heritage, as I have mentioned in a past post on my website, www.judypriceiswriting.com , had ties to Dover, from where his ancestors emigrated to Wolfe Island in Ontario.
Ireland entered into the equation when my father's paternal grandfather married an Irish bride.
My father's maternal heritage was British.
When my parents made the decision to marry, each of them was from a different religious affiliation, although both Christian.
My Dad was 'United' and my Mom 'Ukrainian Catholic'.
They decided to compromise regarding religion, and raise their children as 'Anglicans'. In order to do so, they both became confirmed in the Anglican church.
It now makes perfect sense to me that I was beckoned to England, where I witnessed 'signs' of my parents presence, now that they are both no longer living in this realm.
I do believe that we are all 'spiritual beings' on a human journey, and that when we die, with God's blessing, our spirits are free to roam, explore, and experience what is invisible and unknown to us while in our earthly bodies.
More about these 'signs' in a future post . . .
Even though I had never included the UK on my list of 'must' places to see, to me this trip was obviously 'meant to be'.
I have been open to receiving 'messages' from dreams and observing 'signs' from loved ones who have died, since 1994, prior to and after my Dad's death.
I have referred to one of these in a past post, and will write about others in the future.
For now, I will say that the following facts all point me to the conclusion that I was indeed called intuitively to experience parts of Great Britain.
My Mom's resemblance to Queen Elizabeth II has been commented on by people ever since I can recall. She did take an interest in the royal family.
My mother had the privilege of meeting the queen and shaking her hand at a government function in Canada.
She had never travelled overseas nor to England, even though her parental heritage originated in Europe from various parts of the Ukraine and Austria.
My Dad's paternal heritage, as I have mentioned in a past post on my website, www.judypriceiswriting.com , had ties to Dover, from where his ancestors emigrated to Wolfe Island in Ontario.
Ireland entered into the equation when my father's paternal grandfather married an Irish bride.
My father's maternal heritage was British.
When my parents made the decision to marry, each of them was from a different religious affiliation, although both Christian.
My Dad was 'United' and my Mom 'Ukrainian Catholic'.
They decided to compromise regarding religion, and raise their children as 'Anglicans'. In order to do so, they both became confirmed in the Anglican church.
It now makes perfect sense to me that I was beckoned to England, where I witnessed 'signs' of my parents presence, now that they are both no longer living in this realm.
I do believe that we are all 'spiritual beings' on a human journey, and that when we die, with God's blessing, our spirits are free to roam, explore, and experience what is invisible and unknown to us while in our earthly bodies.
More about these 'signs' in a future post . . .
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Mom's Birthday
June 1st is your birthday Mom, only you are no longer here to celebrate it with us.
Last year, you and all four of your children enjoyed a birthday lunch together at one of your favourites, Red Lobster.
This year I placed a red rose for you and a purplish blue iris for Dad in the vase at your graveside. You are truly with each other once again.
The beautiful bronze plaque you chose is now complete. Dad's side engraved with RCAF wings and yours with a rose . . .
Last year, you and all four of your children enjoyed a birthday lunch together at one of your favourites, Red Lobster.
This year I placed a red rose for you and a purplish blue iris for Dad in the vase at your graveside. You are truly with each other once again.
The beautiful bronze plaque you chose is now complete. Dad's side engraved with RCAF wings and yours with a rose . . .
Monday, May 31, 2010
Seven Sisters
May 15th, 2010, I climbed all Seven Sisters in East Sussex, England to commemorate the ten month anniversary of my mother's death.
I remembered each of her seven sisters, three of whom are living, as I did so.
At the end point of Beachy Head, I observed a white wooden cross and bouquet of fresh flowers placed at the edge of the cliff.
May 31st, being Memorial Day, is a good day to post this event.
I remembered each of her seven sisters, three of whom are living, as I did so.
At the end point of Beachy Head, I observed a white wooden cross and bouquet of fresh flowers placed at the edge of the cliff.
May 31st, being Memorial Day, is a good day to post this event.
For you Mom . . .
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mother's Day
Hey Mom, I miss you, especially today. Your voice, your laugh, your smile, you...
So many Mother's days have passed.
Even when I wasn't with you, I always called to hear the excitement in your voice as you would say my name, and to tell you, "I love you Mom".
My love for you will never die.
I won't be here to write in my blog on May 15th, the ten month anniversary of your death.
Knowing that, I viewed my itinerary to see what I will be doing that day.
Hiking in East Sussex England is planned.
I will be climbing all of the 'Seven Sisters' on that date.
Is it coincidence that you, Mom, had 'seven' sisters?
I tend to believe that coincidence is 'God's way of remaining anonymous'.
What better way to honour you and commemorate the 15th of May in 2010...
So many Mother's days have passed.
Even when I wasn't with you, I always called to hear the excitement in your voice as you would say my name, and to tell you, "I love you Mom".
My love for you will never die.
I won't be here to write in my blog on May 15th, the ten month anniversary of your death.
Knowing that, I viewed my itinerary to see what I will be doing that day.
Hiking in East Sussex England is planned.
I will be climbing all of the 'Seven Sisters' on that date.
Is it coincidence that you, Mom, had 'seven' sisters?
I tend to believe that coincidence is 'God's way of remaining anonymous'.
What better way to honour you and commemorate the 15th of May in 2010...
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
History in the Making Part II
An ‘earlier than September in the UK’ opportunity has presented itself that I have decided to seize.
One of the hiking leaders with a group I enjoy organizes a two week trip to East Sussex in England in the latter part of May each year.
When she first advised me of her annual trek, during a hike last Labour Day weekend, I studied the brochure she gave me entitled, ‘Spring Time in England’, which mentioned several enticing features and sightseeing destinations.
I put it on the desk, beside the sympathy cards.
Occasionally I would pick it up, examine it, and put it down again.
I did not have the daily itinerary at that time, yet something inexplicable was telling me to seriously consider this opportunity.
I now have done so, and I am extending my trip by arriving earlier than the group will, enabling me to spend some time near and in London as well.
Travelling this far, as well as experiencing old world history, necessitates at least one day exploring ‘that’ royal city!
My friend is thankfully able to accommodate me for these few extra days, and I will be able to visit with him while enjoying some of the British sights.
I hope to visit Dover on my ‘free’ day, as this is the port my father’s ancestors emigrated from.
They were sailors which would explain my affinity to the sea, and my yearning to learn how to sail as a crew member; not just a passenger.
That history is interesting as well.
It seems my father’s paternal heritage can be traced back to the Normans in France, and even further back to the Scandinavians who invaded Normandy ages ago.
With the Norman conquest of England, my French ancestors intermarried with the English and settled in Dover.
My paternal great-grandfather’s relatives then immigrated to Wolfe Island and onward to Kingsville and surrounding areas in southern Ontario.
Many of my distant relatives still live on this largest of the Thousand Islands, that forms a natural boundary at the entrance to the St. Lawrence River between Canadian and United States shores, as well as inhabit the small adjacent Simcoe Island.
The rest is (my) ‘history’ as the saying goes . . .
I have recently learned that one of my treks in England will be with a local hiking club to the ‘area Hastings 1066 and all that’ as the description reads.
I will experience firsthand the soil where The Battle of Hastings, which took place on 14 October 1066, and was the decisive Norman victory in the Norman Conquest of England, was fought, between the Norman army of Duke William II of Normandy and the English army of King Harold II.[1] The battle took place at Senlac Hill, approximately 6 miles northwest of Hastings, close to the present-day town of Battle, East Sussex.
Yes, there is something beckoning me to this place.
Intuitively I am being led there…
One of the hiking leaders with a group I enjoy organizes a two week trip to East Sussex in England in the latter part of May each year.
When she first advised me of her annual trek, during a hike last Labour Day weekend, I studied the brochure she gave me entitled, ‘Spring Time in England’, which mentioned several enticing features and sightseeing destinations.
I put it on the desk, beside the sympathy cards.
Occasionally I would pick it up, examine it, and put it down again.
I did not have the daily itinerary at that time, yet something inexplicable was telling me to seriously consider this opportunity.
I now have done so, and I am extending my trip by arriving earlier than the group will, enabling me to spend some time near and in London as well.
Travelling this far, as well as experiencing old world history, necessitates at least one day exploring ‘that’ royal city!
My friend is thankfully able to accommodate me for these few extra days, and I will be able to visit with him while enjoying some of the British sights.
I hope to visit Dover on my ‘free’ day, as this is the port my father’s ancestors emigrated from.
They were sailors which would explain my affinity to the sea, and my yearning to learn how to sail as a crew member; not just a passenger.
That history is interesting as well.
It seems my father’s paternal heritage can be traced back to the Normans in France, and even further back to the Scandinavians who invaded Normandy ages ago.
With the Norman conquest of England, my French ancestors intermarried with the English and settled in Dover.
My paternal great-grandfather’s relatives then immigrated to Wolfe Island and onward to Kingsville and surrounding areas in southern Ontario.
Many of my distant relatives still live on this largest of the Thousand Islands, that forms a natural boundary at the entrance to the St. Lawrence River between Canadian and United States shores, as well as inhabit the small adjacent Simcoe Island.
The rest is (my) ‘history’ as the saying goes . . .
I have recently learned that one of my treks in England will be with a local hiking club to the ‘area Hastings 1066 and all that’ as the description reads.
I will experience firsthand the soil where The Battle of Hastings, which took place on 14 October 1066, and was the decisive Norman victory in the Norman Conquest of England, was fought, between the Norman army of Duke William II of Normandy and the English army of King Harold II.[1] The battle took place at Senlac Hill, approximately 6 miles northwest of Hastings, close to the present-day town of Battle, East Sussex.
Yes, there is something beckoning me to this place.
Intuitively I am being led there…
History in the Making Part I
Here I sit at the computer while my nephew, his bride, many of my relatives along with my daughters are all in the Mayan Riviera at an upscale resort, soaking in the sun and enjoying the sea as well as the local tequila &/or perhaps corona with lime.
The wedding takes place today, and I sent my love-filled wishes in a card and gift with my younger brother to give to his son and new daughter-in-law.
It is coincidental that I was ill and unable to fly without consequence.
I hope to visit the newlyweds, perhaps at the end of this summer. My nephew told me he is marrying his ‘soul mate’. He and I share that belief.
If the wedding had taken place in the west, I would have planned to attend, as when I travel there I will also be able to visit my mother’s elderly sisters.
In this current economic climate and stage in my life, I must choose my travel destinations as wisely as possible, without guilt.
When I can use loyalty reward miles, as travel to all destinations in Canada and the United States allows me, I am more likely to take advantage of these trips.
If I can combine a visit to unknown places with or to see people I know, I feel blessed.
As I have never travelled further east across the Atlantic than to Newfoundland, I believe it is time for me to bridge that particular gap.
I had been thinking of going to the UK in September, and would have combined the trip with a visit to a good friend, who is living and working near London for one year.
He has very kindly extended an open invitation to all of his family and friends while he is there.
I met this individual when we were both participants in a divorcecare group, before I became a facilitator.
We know details about each other’s lives that could only be learned that quickly based on the trust and confidentiality that is necessarily written and signed as a contract in a support group such as this.
I only have two platonic male friends, who I believe would do anything for me, and this man is one of those.
The other will soon be married to another of my very good friends, and it is through her that I met him.
She and I were participants in a women’s support group when both of us had recently separated, more than ten years ago, before our divorces.
As kindred spirits, our friendship blossomed quickly.
The topic of male-female friendships is an interesting and sometimes complex one, which I will discuss in another post.
Part II of this post will follow . . .
The wedding takes place today, and I sent my love-filled wishes in a card and gift with my younger brother to give to his son and new daughter-in-law.
It is coincidental that I was ill and unable to fly without consequence.
I hope to visit the newlyweds, perhaps at the end of this summer. My nephew told me he is marrying his ‘soul mate’. He and I share that belief.
If the wedding had taken place in the west, I would have planned to attend, as when I travel there I will also be able to visit my mother’s elderly sisters.
In this current economic climate and stage in my life, I must choose my travel destinations as wisely as possible, without guilt.
When I can use loyalty reward miles, as travel to all destinations in Canada and the United States allows me, I am more likely to take advantage of these trips.
If I can combine a visit to unknown places with or to see people I know, I feel blessed.
As I have never travelled further east across the Atlantic than to Newfoundland, I believe it is time for me to bridge that particular gap.
I had been thinking of going to the UK in September, and would have combined the trip with a visit to a good friend, who is living and working near London for one year.
He has very kindly extended an open invitation to all of his family and friends while he is there.
I met this individual when we were both participants in a divorcecare group, before I became a facilitator.
We know details about each other’s lives that could only be learned that quickly based on the trust and confidentiality that is necessarily written and signed as a contract in a support group such as this.
I only have two platonic male friends, who I believe would do anything for me, and this man is one of those.
The other will soon be married to another of my very good friends, and it is through her that I met him.
She and I were participants in a women’s support group when both of us had recently separated, more than ten years ago, before our divorces.
As kindred spirits, our friendship blossomed quickly.
The topic of male-female friendships is an interesting and sometimes complex one, which I will discuss in another post.
Part II of this post will follow . . .
Life's Lessons Learned
When unwell, television seems a viable entertainment option.
'Mona Lisa Smile', starring Julia Roberts, was worth viewing Saturday night.
This story takes place in 1954, at Wellesley, a girl's college in New England, where women were, at that time, being 'groomed' to be wives! No pun intended.
Women teachers who encouraged young women to pursue their education and subsequent professional careers were considered to be 'subversive'.
Protocol, manners, caring for husbands and nurturing their careers were on the agenda and the norm.
Sounds familiar, even though I was only a pre-schooler that year.
I, being a female 'baby boomer', was raised in an era by a mother who did teach me to cater to the men in my life, and assist them with their aspirations while stifling my own desires.
At the same time she showed me her discomfort with this role, and encouraged my education, although she would have preferred for me to become a 'hospital dietitian' or remain a 'nurse' rather than pursue a post graduate degree.
I recall my Mom referring to my own smile as being similar to that in the famous Leonardo da Vinci portrait of the 'Mona Lisa'.
Those were the days before I opened my mouth to show my genuine 'tooth' smile!
Women like me were of the 'in-between' generation, the daughters of traditional mothers and wives, and the mothers whose own daughters would choose career and motherhood, but not simultaneously.
When one strives to be the 'best' wife, mother, professional, and individual all of the time, at the same time, something has to 'give'.
Mothers are usually the parents who feel guilt the most when faced with a choice of whether to put career or family first.
I found when I put my career ahead of parenting, I needed to hire a 'wife'.
This was a woman who could take care of my children, do housework, including the laundry, and prepare meals which would be waiting for me and my husband when we arrived home from work.
I did not work full-time more than several months when my children were pre-schoolers, as I just could not reconcile someone else raising them in their formative years.
I was fortunate in that I could afford the luxury of working around their school hours when they were a little older.
My previous posts have addressed all of the personal losses I endured as a result of assuming a conflicted 'superwoman' role.
My daughters, on the other hand, are actively pursuing their careers before marriage and or motherhood. They are independent, self-sufficient women who would like to have a family one day.
I would like that for them as well.
As for me, I have learned how to take care of myself, enjoy my life, and live successfully alone as a single, separate, unique and whole individual.
I no longer need a relationship with a man to define me. I know, like and love the woman I am. I will never allow myself to be 'lost' in a man's goals again.
I would, however, enjoy being in a relationship with the man I choose who complements me, creating and pursuing common goals together with me, while continuing the pursuit of our own separate, individual aspirations in life.
I believe that compatible partners sharing highs and lows, along with accepting and encouraging one another makes life's journey both satisfying and exciting.
To build this life with my 'soul mate' is worth the wait ...
'Mona Lisa Smile', starring Julia Roberts, was worth viewing Saturday night.
This story takes place in 1954, at Wellesley, a girl's college in New England, where women were, at that time, being 'groomed' to be wives! No pun intended.
Women teachers who encouraged young women to pursue their education and subsequent professional careers were considered to be 'subversive'.
Protocol, manners, caring for husbands and nurturing their careers were on the agenda and the norm.
Sounds familiar, even though I was only a pre-schooler that year.
I, being a female 'baby boomer', was raised in an era by a mother who did teach me to cater to the men in my life, and assist them with their aspirations while stifling my own desires.
At the same time she showed me her discomfort with this role, and encouraged my education, although she would have preferred for me to become a 'hospital dietitian' or remain a 'nurse' rather than pursue a post graduate degree.
I recall my Mom referring to my own smile as being similar to that in the famous Leonardo da Vinci portrait of the 'Mona Lisa'.
Those were the days before I opened my mouth to show my genuine 'tooth' smile!
Women like me were of the 'in-between' generation, the daughters of traditional mothers and wives, and the mothers whose own daughters would choose career and motherhood, but not simultaneously.
When one strives to be the 'best' wife, mother, professional, and individual all of the time, at the same time, something has to 'give'.
Mothers are usually the parents who feel guilt the most when faced with a choice of whether to put career or family first.
I found when I put my career ahead of parenting, I needed to hire a 'wife'.
This was a woman who could take care of my children, do housework, including the laundry, and prepare meals which would be waiting for me and my husband when we arrived home from work.
I did not work full-time more than several months when my children were pre-schoolers, as I just could not reconcile someone else raising them in their formative years.
I was fortunate in that I could afford the luxury of working around their school hours when they were a little older.
My previous posts have addressed all of the personal losses I endured as a result of assuming a conflicted 'superwoman' role.
My daughters, on the other hand, are actively pursuing their careers before marriage and or motherhood. They are independent, self-sufficient women who would like to have a family one day.
I would like that for them as well.
As for me, I have learned how to take care of myself, enjoy my life, and live successfully alone as a single, separate, unique and whole individual.
I no longer need a relationship with a man to define me. I know, like and love the woman I am. I will never allow myself to be 'lost' in a man's goals again.
I would, however, enjoy being in a relationship with the man I choose who complements me, creating and pursuing common goals together with me, while continuing the pursuit of our own separate, individual aspirations in life.
I believe that compatible partners sharing highs and lows, along with accepting and encouraging one another makes life's journey both satisfying and exciting.
To build this life with my 'soul mate' is worth the wait ...
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Vulnerability
Lately, various friends have been ill with cold viruses, and I had been determined not to succumb as well.
My body has different ideas and I find myself nursing a sore throat, fever, and fatigue that precedes a full-blown illness.
The unfortunate timing will prevent me from co-facilitating the divorcecare group tonight, as I will not expose anyone else to this.
Allowing myself permission to 'vegetate' and heal, without guilt, has been a lifelong lesson for me to learn.
The 'caregiver' in me, after years of caring for family, friends and clients, is now directed at myself.
As a child, and sometimes as an adult, I would rely on my mother to provide her healing touch with her own special remedies.
Just the knowledge that she cared for me and showed me her love in this way was enough for me to feel safe and secure.
In later years, role reversal became necessary with her declining health.
This is the first time I recall having a 'cold' since her death.
I also remember times, as a young mother and wife, that I would only become ill on Mother's Day or my birthday, as if the pampering on these days could only be justified if I was unwell.
I was the 'strong' one who was the 'caregiver'. I felt my family could not afford for me to be 'vulnerable' or 'weak'.
Now 'I' am my only 'caregiver', and paradoxically, the vulnerability I feel is what provides me the strength to take care of myself . . .
My body has different ideas and I find myself nursing a sore throat, fever, and fatigue that precedes a full-blown illness.
The unfortunate timing will prevent me from co-facilitating the divorcecare group tonight, as I will not expose anyone else to this.
Allowing myself permission to 'vegetate' and heal, without guilt, has been a lifelong lesson for me to learn.
The 'caregiver' in me, after years of caring for family, friends and clients, is now directed at myself.
As a child, and sometimes as an adult, I would rely on my mother to provide her healing touch with her own special remedies.
Just the knowledge that she cared for me and showed me her love in this way was enough for me to feel safe and secure.
In later years, role reversal became necessary with her declining health.
This is the first time I recall having a 'cold' since her death.
I also remember times, as a young mother and wife, that I would only become ill on Mother's Day or my birthday, as if the pampering on these days could only be justified if I was unwell.
I was the 'strong' one who was the 'caregiver'. I felt my family could not afford for me to be 'vulnerable' or 'weak'.
Now 'I' am my only 'caregiver', and paradoxically, the vulnerability I feel is what provides me the strength to take care of myself . . .
Spring Hike Delight
Sunday did turn into a perfectly sunny, spring-hiking adventure, revealing Ontario's flower in all her wondrous glory!The pictures I captured of the falls, serpentine cedar trunks, and trilliums only added to a very full day on the trails with like-minded hikers.
My decision to wait one more day for this particular trek was a good one.
The length and terrain, while ambitious for me, proved positively that my strengthening exercises are bearing fruit.
Monday being one of rest was well worth the sights, smells and sounds in the woods by streams and waterfall the day before.
My soul is well-fed . . .
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Creativity
Being a cooler day, after wonderful spring temperatures yesterday, I decided to postpone my hiking and focus on my writing.
Rain was predicted today although I haven't seen any, other than the occasional indoor variety when my eyes overbrim with thoughts of loss.
Hopefully, the forecast proves to be accurate with a warmer day for Hilton Falls tomorrow.
I am readying myself for a lengthy trek with strengthening exercises, so that I will be prepared for wooded and waterfall terrain. I will have my camera at the ready as well.
My cathedral will be outdoors where I can connect to the creator in nature.
Today I transferred all of my break-up advice articles to my blog, at www.judypriceiswriting.com, and will be writing and posting them there, where they belong, as they are my creation.
It is time to claim my creativity and professional talent as the gift it is.
I do believe that is what my creator is asking me to do as I continue on life's journey.
Rain was predicted today although I haven't seen any, other than the occasional indoor variety when my eyes overbrim with thoughts of loss.
Hopefully, the forecast proves to be accurate with a warmer day for Hilton Falls tomorrow.
I am readying myself for a lengthy trek with strengthening exercises, so that I will be prepared for wooded and waterfall terrain. I will have my camera at the ready as well.
My cathedral will be outdoors where I can connect to the creator in nature.
Today I transferred all of my break-up advice articles to my blog, at www.judypriceiswriting.com, and will be writing and posting them there, where they belong, as they are my creation.
It is time to claim my creativity and professional talent as the gift it is.
I do believe that is what my creator is asking me to do as I continue on life's journey.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Levity
Thought I would add a little levity to my life today, in keeping with the decision I made yesterday to allow my 'air' sign to express itself.
As this is the nine month anniversary of my mother's death, I began thinking of some other important occasions in my life that have taken that amount of time.
Thankfully most of these are happy ones!
The births of my children took nine months even though total gestation, I'm told, takes ten.
The house where I raised my children took nine months to build, as did the vacation home we enjoyed in the south.
Sadly, the demise of the business also happened during a nine month timeframe, as this was the deadline to receive the project financing to move forward.
Unfortunately this became an overly ambitious endeavour, given that the banking financial crisis was occurring simultaneously.
With a new chapter unfolding, I am hopeful that the next nine months will produce the fruits of my labour in my creative journey.
As this is the nine month anniversary of my mother's death, I began thinking of some other important occasions in my life that have taken that amount of time.
Thankfully most of these are happy ones!
The births of my children took nine months even though total gestation, I'm told, takes ten.
The house where I raised my children took nine months to build, as did the vacation home we enjoyed in the south.
Sadly, the demise of the business also happened during a nine month timeframe, as this was the deadline to receive the project financing to move forward.
Unfortunately this became an overly ambitious endeavour, given that the banking financial crisis was occurring simultaneously.
With a new chapter unfolding, I am hopeful that the next nine months will produce the fruits of my labour in my creative journey.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
New Moon
I'm told there is a new moon tonight with the end of one chapter where another begins.
Once again my life seems to mirror the state of the planetary changes.
Just when I decide to move forward in one direction, life has other plans, and I find myself spinning off my axis.
My drifting this time is not only without my anchor but also without my rudder.
I feel lost and it hurts to be in this place.
The earth that grounds me as I walk in nature, now conjures memories of hope.
I need to take to the sky; the heavens far above the sea beckon me.
The earth will always have its place as I am of 'clay'.
It is my ethereal spirit that leads me on my way.
Once again my life seems to mirror the state of the planetary changes.
Just when I decide to move forward in one direction, life has other plans, and I find myself spinning off my axis.
My drifting this time is not only without my anchor but also without my rudder.
I feel lost and it hurts to be in this place.
The earth that grounds me as I walk in nature, now conjures memories of hope.
I need to take to the sky; the heavens far above the sea beckon me.
The earth will always have its place as I am of 'clay'.
It is my ethereal spirit that leads me on my way.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Uncertainty
Snow flurries fell from the sky today! A chill is in the air.
Mother nature is fooling us this month, as it is normally April 'showers' that bring May flowers.
Now that spring hikes had begun for me, this feels like a step backward, which I hope is only temporary.
I need to be surrounded by nature as I feel the waves of grief resurfacing.
Melancholy feelings are conjured with this change in the weather, and with the realization that the nine month anniversary of my mother's death will soon be here.
The sympathy cards are still on her desk. I'm just not ready to lay them to rest. Lately, I have been strong and it hurts to give in to the grief.
Socializing with friends, both new and old, while enjoyable, as it was this evening, cannot seem to sustain my spirit when I then return home to be alone.
Unpredictability, when it is negative, is never welcomed.
The weather is not in my control.
Other people's actions are not in my control.
I can only be responsible for my own behaviour and how I respond to others.
I was always of the belief that 'actions' speak louder than words, yet when it is words I want to hear that are spoken by one I feel close to, and want to know better, I have a tendency to overlook the actions that follow.
I can only have faith that my trust will not be misplaced.
As usual, time will tell the story.
Mother nature is fooling us this month, as it is normally April 'showers' that bring May flowers.
Now that spring hikes had begun for me, this feels like a step backward, which I hope is only temporary.
I need to be surrounded by nature as I feel the waves of grief resurfacing.
Melancholy feelings are conjured with this change in the weather, and with the realization that the nine month anniversary of my mother's death will soon be here.
The sympathy cards are still on her desk. I'm just not ready to lay them to rest. Lately, I have been strong and it hurts to give in to the grief.
Socializing with friends, both new and old, while enjoyable, as it was this evening, cannot seem to sustain my spirit when I then return home to be alone.
Unpredictability, when it is negative, is never welcomed.
The weather is not in my control.
Other people's actions are not in my control.
I can only be responsible for my own behaviour and how I respond to others.
I was always of the belief that 'actions' speak louder than words, yet when it is words I want to hear that are spoken by one I feel close to, and want to know better, I have a tendency to overlook the actions that follow.
I can only have faith that my trust will not be misplaced.
As usual, time will tell the story.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter morning
April and Easter, spring and rebirth; this is my most favourite time of year, even though brilliant autumn leaves, white winter snow, and hot summer days/starry nights are all special to me.
Not everyone celebrates this holiest of seasons.
I do. Not always in church, however.
Last year on Easter Sunday my Mom enjoyed a family gathering at my younger brother's home, with three of her children, and four of her grandchildren, as well as some of my brother's in-laws. We all laughed together creating a fabulous day.
No one knew it would be our last Easter together or the last time there would be any kind of celebration in that home.
Life is unpredictable, in both sad and happy ways.
When I least expect it something magical happens restoring my faith and opening doors to possibilities, similar to that first Easter morning so long ago . . .
Not everyone celebrates this holiest of seasons.
I do. Not always in church, however.
Last year on Easter Sunday my Mom enjoyed a family gathering at my younger brother's home, with three of her children, and four of her grandchildren, as well as some of my brother's in-laws. We all laughed together creating a fabulous day.
No one knew it would be our last Easter together or the last time there would be any kind of celebration in that home.
Life is unpredictable, in both sad and happy ways.
When I least expect it something magical happens restoring my faith and opening doors to possibilities, similar to that first Easter morning so long ago . . .
Monday, March 29, 2010
What are the Chances?
A rainy Monday morning seems a good time to write in my blog.
Recently I learned that another brother's marriage has become a casualty of separation.
It seems the 'D' word is getting us from the eldest down, all after 25 years plus of marriage.
My parents would 'roll over in their graves' as the saying goes.
They enjoyed a fifty year marriage before my father died, which makes me wonder what the likelihood of 3 of 4 of their children divorcing means statistically in the general population.
One in two marriages is closer to that number. Three in four is high, thank God!
What is happening in our society, but more specifically in my family of origin, I ask myself.
Having a 'keen analytical mind', as a former post-graduate professor described mine in a past letter of reference, I wonder about these things.
When I examine the timing of my first sibling's separation, it occurred after the deaths of my Dad and my brother's eldest child.
My own then followed after these deaths, and the loss of a business coupled with my diagnosis of illness.
Now a younger brother's marriage is ending less than nine months after the death of my mother.
Loss and grief appears to be at least one of the catalysts in the dissolution of a long-term relationship.
Now that would be an excellent thesis research exploration!
Recently I learned that another brother's marriage has become a casualty of separation.
It seems the 'D' word is getting us from the eldest down, all after 25 years plus of marriage.
My parents would 'roll over in their graves' as the saying goes.
They enjoyed a fifty year marriage before my father died, which makes me wonder what the likelihood of 3 of 4 of their children divorcing means statistically in the general population.
One in two marriages is closer to that number. Three in four is high, thank God!
What is happening in our society, but more specifically in my family of origin, I ask myself.
Having a 'keen analytical mind', as a former post-graduate professor described mine in a past letter of reference, I wonder about these things.
When I examine the timing of my first sibling's separation, it occurred after the deaths of my Dad and my brother's eldest child.
My own then followed after these deaths, and the loss of a business coupled with my diagnosis of illness.
Now a younger brother's marriage is ending less than nine months after the death of my mother.
Loss and grief appears to be at least one of the catalysts in the dissolution of a long-term relationship.
Now that would be an excellent thesis research exploration!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Spring to Winter
The vernal or spring equinox arrived March 20th ushering in winter cold temperatures again, just in time to welcome travellers home!
Last week, which was 'March break' for schoolchildren and teachers alike, gave those who did not get away a wonderful taste of warm spring weather.
On the weekend those sporting deeply tanned faces, bundled in winter coats, were probably wishing they could turn back the clock one more week or at least a few days to continue soaking in those awesome southern rays!
I recall the days when my own children were school-aged. Each winter the spring break became a ritual family getaway.
For several of those years we owned two homes and were fortunate to frequent the south throughout all twelve months. Whether we drove or flew we always kept a vehicle at each location.
Those days are long gone.
Even though the sweet memories remain, I would not wish to turn back the clock.
Every season of life has its own special moments of beauty, and this stage is one that I am enjoying.
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."
The present moment is all that we have and gifts are to be enjoyed, no matter what the weather . . . .
Last week, which was 'March break' for schoolchildren and teachers alike, gave those who did not get away a wonderful taste of warm spring weather.
On the weekend those sporting deeply tanned faces, bundled in winter coats, were probably wishing they could turn back the clock one more week or at least a few days to continue soaking in those awesome southern rays!
I recall the days when my own children were school-aged. Each winter the spring break became a ritual family getaway.
For several of those years we owned two homes and were fortunate to frequent the south throughout all twelve months. Whether we drove or flew we always kept a vehicle at each location.
Those days are long gone.
Even though the sweet memories remain, I would not wish to turn back the clock.
Every season of life has its own special moments of beauty, and this stage is one that I am enjoying.
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."
The present moment is all that we have and gifts are to be enjoyed, no matter what the weather . . . .
Monday, March 15, 2010
Hope springs Eternal
My dearest Mom, I miss you. We all do. Each of us grieves our loss of you in our own way.
8 months ago today I was with you when you took your last breath on this planet; as your spirit peacefully transitioned to the unseen and unknown infinity.
I felt you leave, unlike when Dad died more suddenly.
You were there. Although your shock numbed your memory for several months after; perhaps years, as your eldest grandson also died within ten months of your husband, leaving you unable to accept that reality. You preferred to think of my godson as being 'away'.
One minute Dad was here and then when we saw his body next, it was just a shell. His spirit had left without our presence to witness his departure.
This past weekend the clocks 'sprung' forward as we ushered in daylight savings time.
I recall your earthly clocks did not transition forward so easily, and inevitably one of us was enlisted to do the deed for you.
Spring is almost here and is teasing us in this month of March. I almost feel certain we will have one more taste of winter before the signs of rebirth show themselves. Time will tell, as it always does.
The only constant in this life is change.
So much has changed since you left, although I feel certain you already know that.
I have an inner peace knowing you are reunited with all of the loving souls you missed so much while in this realm.
Your granddaughters; my children, dream of you sometimes. They tell me that you and Dad are enjoying the freedom together to roam and fly, not afforded you here on earth, especially in your latter years.
As the next season soon begins revealing the renewal of all living things, I will look forward to roaming the earth to witness these inevitable signs of revival.
Being in and observing nature in the 'Spring', my favourite season in life, will keep the 'hope' alive in my soul that I will see you again when it is my turn to leave earth in the 'eternal' cycle of life.
8 months ago today I was with you when you took your last breath on this planet; as your spirit peacefully transitioned to the unseen and unknown infinity.
I felt you leave, unlike when Dad died more suddenly.
You were there. Although your shock numbed your memory for several months after; perhaps years, as your eldest grandson also died within ten months of your husband, leaving you unable to accept that reality. You preferred to think of my godson as being 'away'.
One minute Dad was here and then when we saw his body next, it was just a shell. His spirit had left without our presence to witness his departure.
This past weekend the clocks 'sprung' forward as we ushered in daylight savings time.
I recall your earthly clocks did not transition forward so easily, and inevitably one of us was enlisted to do the deed for you.
Spring is almost here and is teasing us in this month of March. I almost feel certain we will have one more taste of winter before the signs of rebirth show themselves. Time will tell, as it always does.
The only constant in this life is change.
So much has changed since you left, although I feel certain you already know that.
I have an inner peace knowing you are reunited with all of the loving souls you missed so much while in this realm.
Your granddaughters; my children, dream of you sometimes. They tell me that you and Dad are enjoying the freedom together to roam and fly, not afforded you here on earth, especially in your latter years.
As the next season soon begins revealing the renewal of all living things, I will look forward to roaming the earth to witness these inevitable signs of revival.
Being in and observing nature in the 'Spring', my favourite season in life, will keep the 'hope' alive in my soul that I will see you again when it is my turn to leave earth in the 'eternal' cycle of life.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Life is Unfair
It's happening again, another loss. This one is not directly mine, yet my being is filled with sadness.
My grief memories and feelings are triggered. These waves are relentless.
I did have the privilege of meeting this wonderful, loving, courageous young soul and his family, in January, at the engagement party I mentioned in an earlier post.
He lived and fought for his life for some years with a brain tumor, and he valiantly tried to not leave his lovely young family too soon.
Life is so unfair, especially when our youth are taken in their prime. That saying, 'only the good die young', certainly applies to this individual.
I need to cleanse my soul today, so that I can be strong tomorrow for my own daughters, and the special friend and her family-to-be, who have lost their son, brother, husband and father.
I have chosen to rent a vehicle and drive the few hours on a day which promises to be another sunny and even warmer one. That will give me time to settle my grief and focus before I arrive at the funeral.
Then I can be alone with my thoughts on the way home afterward. If I plan my strategy to cope, hopefully I can carry it to fruition.
This is another time when my own soul mate, would he were with me, could envelop me in the safe comfort of his own being.
Sunday, I will relish the opportunity to ferry across the lake and hike the Toronto Islands, in order to shake these waves of grief from me.
If I just keep moving . . . .
My grief memories and feelings are triggered. These waves are relentless.
I did have the privilege of meeting this wonderful, loving, courageous young soul and his family, in January, at the engagement party I mentioned in an earlier post.
He lived and fought for his life for some years with a brain tumor, and he valiantly tried to not leave his lovely young family too soon.
Life is so unfair, especially when our youth are taken in their prime. That saying, 'only the good die young', certainly applies to this individual.
I need to cleanse my soul today, so that I can be strong tomorrow for my own daughters, and the special friend and her family-to-be, who have lost their son, brother, husband and father.
I have chosen to rent a vehicle and drive the few hours on a day which promises to be another sunny and even warmer one. That will give me time to settle my grief and focus before I arrive at the funeral.
Then I can be alone with my thoughts on the way home afterward. If I plan my strategy to cope, hopefully I can carry it to fruition.
This is another time when my own soul mate, would he were with me, could envelop me in the safe comfort of his own being.
Sunday, I will relish the opportunity to ferry across the lake and hike the Toronto Islands, in order to shake these waves of grief from me.
If I just keep moving . . . .
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Life's Challenges
As March comes in like a 'lamb', I have to wonder if it will go out like a 'lion'.
Time will tell.
As Joannie Rochette returns home from her courageous medal-winning performance at the Vancouver Olympic games, my heart goes out to her, as I know her grief healing journey has just begun.
She is young to go through life's important moments without her mother at her side.
I hope she will have her father with her well into her own senior years.
Each of us has something challenging in life to deal with, and some of us seem to have more than our 'fair share' of difficulties.
That is exactly the point. Life is unfair. For that very reason, we need to be fair to ourselves. That might mean something different for each of us.
For me it involves indulging and balancing two of my passions on at least a weekly basis.
Writing and hiking to the neglect of other things is being fair to myself.
Finding my passion, what brings me joy and inner peace, ultimately eases my journey through life's challenges.
Time will tell.
As Joannie Rochette returns home from her courageous medal-winning performance at the Vancouver Olympic games, my heart goes out to her, as I know her grief healing journey has just begun.
She is young to go through life's important moments without her mother at her side.
I hope she will have her father with her well into her own senior years.
Each of us has something challenging in life to deal with, and some of us seem to have more than our 'fair share' of difficulties.
That is exactly the point. Life is unfair. For that very reason, we need to be fair to ourselves. That might mean something different for each of us.
For me it involves indulging and balancing two of my passions on at least a weekly basis.
Writing and hiking to the neglect of other things is being fair to myself.
Finding my passion, what brings me joy and inner peace, ultimately eases my journey through life's challenges.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Balance in the midst of Stress
As the excitement of the Olympic games continues in Vancouver, with spring-like conditions, other areas of the world are experiencing devastating weather.
The Portuguese island of Madeira is one such place with flooding and mudslides, creating disaster.
A Canadian tall ship sank off the coast of Brazil last week after experiencing rough seas caused by a 'microburst'.
Numerous high school students, who were learning to sail, were aboard, and miraculously they all survived, being quickly rescued from life rafts by the Brazilians.
I would certainly hope that these 42 youth would have received some critical incident stress debriefing, in order to help them avert later post traumatic stress which could affect the remainder of their lives.
As stress is a topic I will be exploring in my next break-up article, and in light of what has been reported in the news recently, I would like to mention it here as well.
In the past few weeks there have been some very stressful occurrences perpetrated by people, not weather.
I wrote about one such event in my blog post article entitled 'Betrayal', regarding the colonel wing commander in the Canadian military who was charged with unspeakable crimes.
Another critical incident which occurred last week was caused by an individual who commited suicide in Austin, Texas when he flew his small plane into an IRS building. Thank God the loss of life wasn't as disastrous as it could have been.
This man reportedly set his home on fire with his wife and a child inside, before carrying out the act he planned to do, as evidenced in an online letter.
When individuals carry out acts of terror affecting so many lives, it leaves a question mark regarding any signs others might have missed, that could have prevented such horror, and perhaps helped the persons involved to alleviate their own mental anguish.
However, feeling guilt for being unable to forsee or assist those involved is also destructive for the ones closest to the situation.
There are countless examples of stressful events occurring everyday, some of which hit home closer than others. All can become overwhelming if I dwell on them.
In fact, several years ago numerous stressors in my own personal life caused havoc for me when I did not deal with them as they occurred, but rather tried to be 'strong' and carry on in spite of them.
The burden eventually weighed me down and wore me down to the point of illness. Recovery has been ongoing and very successful until the setback of my mother's death.
Now I am starting to get back to the point where I was before she died, and need to practise daily stress management to move forward.
Sometimes I just have to turn off the news, and turn my focus to positive, nurturing and uplifting activities, creating them in my own life, and observing them in the lives of others.
Once again balance is key, as well as an attitude of gratitude, to help me to not only continue, but to 'enjoy the ride' on my journey.
The Portuguese island of Madeira is one such place with flooding and mudslides, creating disaster.
A Canadian tall ship sank off the coast of Brazil last week after experiencing rough seas caused by a 'microburst'.
Numerous high school students, who were learning to sail, were aboard, and miraculously they all survived, being quickly rescued from life rafts by the Brazilians.
I would certainly hope that these 42 youth would have received some critical incident stress debriefing, in order to help them avert later post traumatic stress which could affect the remainder of their lives.
As stress is a topic I will be exploring in my next break-up article, and in light of what has been reported in the news recently, I would like to mention it here as well.
In the past few weeks there have been some very stressful occurrences perpetrated by people, not weather.
I wrote about one such event in my blog post article entitled 'Betrayal', regarding the colonel wing commander in the Canadian military who was charged with unspeakable crimes.
Another critical incident which occurred last week was caused by an individual who commited suicide in Austin, Texas when he flew his small plane into an IRS building. Thank God the loss of life wasn't as disastrous as it could have been.
This man reportedly set his home on fire with his wife and a child inside, before carrying out the act he planned to do, as evidenced in an online letter.
When individuals carry out acts of terror affecting so many lives, it leaves a question mark regarding any signs others might have missed, that could have prevented such horror, and perhaps helped the persons involved to alleviate their own mental anguish.
However, feeling guilt for being unable to forsee or assist those involved is also destructive for the ones closest to the situation.
There are countless examples of stressful events occurring everyday, some of which hit home closer than others. All can become overwhelming if I dwell on them.
In fact, several years ago numerous stressors in my own personal life caused havoc for me when I did not deal with them as they occurred, but rather tried to be 'strong' and carry on in spite of them.
The burden eventually weighed me down and wore me down to the point of illness. Recovery has been ongoing and very successful until the setback of my mother's death.
Now I am starting to get back to the point where I was before she died, and need to practise daily stress management to move forward.
Sometimes I just have to turn off the news, and turn my focus to positive, nurturing and uplifting activities, creating them in my own life, and observing them in the lives of others.
Once again balance is key, as well as an attitude of gratitude, to help me to not only continue, but to 'enjoy the ride' on my journey.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Family Day
February 15th is the seventh month anniversary of the death of my mother, and coincidentally, Family Day, which prompts me to write here today.
It is also the day Canadians celebrate after Bilodeau received our first gold medal in the Olympic games in Vancouver last night, and the first gold on Canadian soil. A very proud feeling indeed for our Canadian family!
This year Family Day falls on the day after Valentine's Day (V-Day), which was a wonderful day of camaraderie for me as well.
Naturally bundled for the cold, hiking a good distance with fast-paced walking in ravines and parks interspersed with city sidewalks, met my need for outdoor activity and socialization yesterday.
After a rather melancholy week with memories of Mom leading up to V-Day, it felt good to celebrate my femaleness with other women and men on the trail.
Sharing my dark chocolate Hershey kisses with them all was a sweet treat!
It is also the day Canadians celebrate after Bilodeau received our first gold medal in the Olympic games in Vancouver last night, and the first gold on Canadian soil. A very proud feeling indeed for our Canadian family!
This year Family Day falls on the day after Valentine's Day (V-Day), which was a wonderful day of camaraderie for me as well.
Naturally bundled for the cold, hiking a good distance with fast-paced walking in ravines and parks interspersed with city sidewalks, met my need for outdoor activity and socialization yesterday.
After a rather melancholy week with memories of Mom leading up to V-Day, it felt good to celebrate my femaleness with other women and men on the trail.
Sharing my dark chocolate Hershey kisses with them all was a sweet treat!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Serenity
Another bright, sunny, cold, snowless day!
The opening Olympic ceremony takes place this evening in Vancouver where the weather is creating uncertainty as well.
That part of the country has always had mild winters, although the mountains are usually snow-covered!
This season is unpredictable in most parts of the world.
My own season of life seems to be mirroring this state.
I find myself faced with decision-making that I have been successful in avoiding until now.
My sleep, which is tenuous anyway, is being affected more than ordinarily, with thoughts running through my mind forcing me to take a look at all aspects of my life.
I prefer to live one day at a time focused on finding the positive in each moment, yet my subconscious as well as conscious mind is telling me to plan ahead, to make good decisions for myself.
The turmoil I feel is creating anxiety which in turn affects my sleep and consequently everything else. Logically I know that.
The serenity prayer comes to mind again, asking God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Let go and let God not only give me the answers, but the ability to listen, to hear and to follow. . .
The opening Olympic ceremony takes place this evening in Vancouver where the weather is creating uncertainty as well.
That part of the country has always had mild winters, although the mountains are usually snow-covered!
This season is unpredictable in most parts of the world.
My own season of life seems to be mirroring this state.
I find myself faced with decision-making that I have been successful in avoiding until now.
My sleep, which is tenuous anyway, is being affected more than ordinarily, with thoughts running through my mind forcing me to take a look at all aspects of my life.
I prefer to live one day at a time focused on finding the positive in each moment, yet my subconscious as well as conscious mind is telling me to plan ahead, to make good decisions for myself.
The turmoil I feel is creating anxiety which in turn affects my sleep and consequently everything else. Logically I know that.
The serenity prayer comes to mind again, asking God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Let go and let God not only give me the answers, but the ability to listen, to hear and to follow. . .
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Betrayal
Along with all Canadians, I am reeling from the news that one of our most elite military commanders has been charged with rape and murder.
I know that one is presumed innocent until proven guilty, and my heart goes out to his wife and any other family members.
In spite of that, I can't help but think that the investigative police involved would not arrest such a high profile Canadian without some pretty substantive proof.
The only word that keeps recurring in my mind, other than the unknown why, is betrayal.
Trust in our military leaders, those who are entrusted with the duty and privilege of keeping us safe, especially in these times of terror and war, is a given. That is no longer a valid assumption.
It makes me question how I can trust anyone, as I recall what my father, who also served in the air force during WWII, told me when I was young. "You can't trust anyone but yourself."
I always thought this was a cynical outlook, especially coming from my Dad, the person I trusted more than anyone, and who throughout my life showed his total love and commitment to my mother, his marriage, our family, and his friends.
Now I have to wonder if he had it right all along, and was only imparting the wisdom of what he had learned on his life's journey. However, I never lost my trust in him as he never let me down.
Waves wash over me once again as I find myself floating back through time.
My days of drifting, which had begun to feel normal, even comfortable, have encountered rough water.
I feel as though I have been temporarily thrown off my journey's course.
My inner compass of faith, hope, and most importantly love, I will trust to reposition me on the path to harmony and balance.
I know that one is presumed innocent until proven guilty, and my heart goes out to his wife and any other family members.
In spite of that, I can't help but think that the investigative police involved would not arrest such a high profile Canadian without some pretty substantive proof.
The only word that keeps recurring in my mind, other than the unknown why, is betrayal.
Trust in our military leaders, those who are entrusted with the duty and privilege of keeping us safe, especially in these times of terror and war, is a given. That is no longer a valid assumption.
It makes me question how I can trust anyone, as I recall what my father, who also served in the air force during WWII, told me when I was young. "You can't trust anyone but yourself."
I always thought this was a cynical outlook, especially coming from my Dad, the person I trusted more than anyone, and who throughout my life showed his total love and commitment to my mother, his marriage, our family, and his friends.
Now I have to wonder if he had it right all along, and was only imparting the wisdom of what he had learned on his life's journey. However, I never lost my trust in him as he never let me down.
Waves wash over me once again as I find myself floating back through time.
My days of drifting, which had begun to feel normal, even comfortable, have encountered rough water.
I feel as though I have been temporarily thrown off my journey's course.
My inner compass of faith, hope, and most importantly love, I will trust to reposition me on the path to harmony and balance.
Monday, February 1, 2010
One step forward and two steps back
On the first day of February there is still no snow! Arctic wind chill in the minus digits without the white ground cover. A very unusual winter so far.
And just when I thought I was able to keep my tears for private weeping, surprise, surprise!! When I least expected it, I became teary-eyed and choked- up in public. I literally could not speak.
Sitting and chatting with my hair stylist, whom I hadn't seen this year before Saturday, the waves of grief hit me hard.
Before I knew what was happening, my eyes filled to the brim, and if I had opened my mouth to answer his question, I knew my grief would overwhelm me.
So I sat there, mouth quivering, eyes of saltwater, slowly dissolving as he tried to soothe me, rubbing my back, which only made me feel more like the little girl I had become.
He had only queried how my Christmas was, the first without my mother.
Needless to say, he had his answer. And so did I. Then some laughter, and back to normal.
The strong woman reappeared as quickly as the child withdrew.
My grief healing journey includes a dance along the way. . . .
And just when I thought I was able to keep my tears for private weeping, surprise, surprise!! When I least expected it, I became teary-eyed and choked- up in public. I literally could not speak.
Sitting and chatting with my hair stylist, whom I hadn't seen this year before Saturday, the waves of grief hit me hard.
Before I knew what was happening, my eyes filled to the brim, and if I had opened my mouth to answer his question, I knew my grief would overwhelm me.
So I sat there, mouth quivering, eyes of saltwater, slowly dissolving as he tried to soothe me, rubbing my back, which only made me feel more like the little girl I had become.
He had only queried how my Christmas was, the first without my mother.
Needless to say, he had his answer. And so did I. Then some laughter, and back to normal.
The strong woman reappeared as quickly as the child withdrew.
My grief healing journey includes a dance along the way. . . .
Monday, January 25, 2010
Disappointment
For the most part, January 2010 has been very disappointing. I'm glad it ends in less than a week.
Earlier in the month, a last minute get-away was cancelled due to inclement weather; snow in the south!
Now a snowshoe weekend has been cancelled for the opposite reason; not enough snow!!
Needless to say the Haiti earthquake disaster which occurred mid-month surpasses any ordinary disappointment I have encountered.
However, I realize yet again how little in life, the weather in particular, is within my control.
Day by day is really the only way to live, as one moment at a time is all I have.
As I write this, the sun is peeking through the rain clouds, which reminds me that interspersed with disappointment are bright spots.
One such ray of sunshine was a wonderful engagement party I was fortunate enough to attend last weekend.
It is possible to feel blessed and disappointed simultaneously I find, without minimizing any of my own experiences.
Earlier in the month, a last minute get-away was cancelled due to inclement weather; snow in the south!
Now a snowshoe weekend has been cancelled for the opposite reason; not enough snow!!
Needless to say the Haiti earthquake disaster which occurred mid-month surpasses any ordinary disappointment I have encountered.
However, I realize yet again how little in life, the weather in particular, is within my control.
Day by day is really the only way to live, as one moment at a time is all I have.
As I write this, the sun is peeking through the rain clouds, which reminds me that interspersed with disappointment are bright spots.
One such ray of sunshine was a wonderful engagement party I was fortunate enough to attend last weekend.
It is possible to feel blessed and disappointed simultaneously I find, without minimizing any of my own experiences.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Procrastination
To delay what could be done now!
Lately, well actually for quite some time, this is what I have been doing, or not doing, more to the point.
The question I put to myself is, 'why'?
It seems I need a strong motivator to push me to do what I know needs doing each day.
When someone is coming over, I am motivated to organize and clean. The amount depends on who the guest is. With family, who know me the best, less needs doing.
Housework is repetitive, and not being the perfectionist I was in my youth, it is low on my priority list.
Fun activities are worth pursuing in my mind, and if able, I will drop everything to join a group for an outdoor activity, a movie, or just to visit with a friend.
Writing is another pursuit I find is easier to engage in without much, if any, procrastination.
Preparing for the facilitation of another divorcecare session takes some prompting to come to fruition in time.
After writing this article, I think I know the answer, at least partially.
What I enjoy is considered a priority, and is done in a timely fashion. The rest can and does wait!
Does this enlightenment mean I will change? Probably not, unless motivated.
And the upside, I just realized, is that my balance is being achieved using procrastination as the filter!
Who knew how useful this 15 letter word can be?? Or is that rationalization??
Lately, well actually for quite some time, this is what I have been doing, or not doing, more to the point.
The question I put to myself is, 'why'?
It seems I need a strong motivator to push me to do what I know needs doing each day.
When someone is coming over, I am motivated to organize and clean. The amount depends on who the guest is. With family, who know me the best, less needs doing.
Housework is repetitive, and not being the perfectionist I was in my youth, it is low on my priority list.
Fun activities are worth pursuing in my mind, and if able, I will drop everything to join a group for an outdoor activity, a movie, or just to visit with a friend.
Writing is another pursuit I find is easier to engage in without much, if any, procrastination.
Preparing for the facilitation of another divorcecare session takes some prompting to come to fruition in time.
After writing this article, I think I know the answer, at least partially.
What I enjoy is considered a priority, and is done in a timely fashion. The rest can and does wait!
Does this enlightenment mean I will change? Probably not, unless motivated.
And the upside, I just realized, is that my balance is being achieved using procrastination as the filter!
Who knew how useful this 15 letter word can be?? Or is that rationalization??
Friday, January 15, 2010
Six months
My mother died on this date six months ago. With the Haitian catastrophe occurring this week, my own grief is triggered.
In addition, as January 15th arrived last night, I sat with one of my children in a hospital emergency department. Her unknown allergic reaction necessitated this visit.
As I sat there, I could feel myself becoming more agitated with each passing minute. As the clock struck midnight I realized where I was six months earlier, sleeping in the hospital where my mother died later that day.
In life, triggers of memories and emotions, both happy and sad, are a reality, and there is no escape. Being aware of what is happening helps me to cope with flashbacks.
Instead of fighting the feelings, I can acknowledge them. If the time is inconvenient to show them, I can now 'refuse delivery' and save their expression for a later time. That tells me that I am healing.
In some ways, it has been a very long six months without my mother. In another way, it seems like yesterday that we were talking and laughing together.
The sympathy cards are still there, on the desk. I did take a look at them the other day. That is progress.
My journey continues . . . .
In addition, as January 15th arrived last night, I sat with one of my children in a hospital emergency department. Her unknown allergic reaction necessitated this visit.
As I sat there, I could feel myself becoming more agitated with each passing minute. As the clock struck midnight I realized where I was six months earlier, sleeping in the hospital where my mother died later that day.
In life, triggers of memories and emotions, both happy and sad, are a reality, and there is no escape. Being aware of what is happening helps me to cope with flashbacks.
Instead of fighting the feelings, I can acknowledge them. If the time is inconvenient to show them, I can now 'refuse delivery' and save their expression for a later time. That tells me that I am healing.
In some ways, it has been a very long six months without my mother. In another way, it seems like yesterday that we were talking and laughing together.
The sympathy cards are still there, on the desk. I did take a look at them the other day. That is progress.
My journey continues . . . .
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Perspective
Just when life seems to hand me more lemons, something absolutely devastating happens, and everything is put into perspective.
The horror of the disastrous earthquake and aftershocks in Haiti is beyond words.
Occurring in one of the most populated and poorest areas in the world, the suffering is incomprehensible.
The powerlessness I feel in my inability to physically assist those in despair can only lead me to pray for those in harm's way.
All of those in need, and all of those compassionate souls who are on their way to help, are in my thoughts and prayers.
My mantra speaks to me now more than ever, 'Care deeply, love generously, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.'
The horror of the disastrous earthquake and aftershocks in Haiti is beyond words.
Occurring in one of the most populated and poorest areas in the world, the suffering is incomprehensible.
The powerlessness I feel in my inability to physically assist those in despair can only lead me to pray for those in harm's way.
All of those in need, and all of those compassionate souls who are on their way to help, are in my thoughts and prayers.
My mantra speaks to me now more than ever, 'Care deeply, love generously, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.'
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Familial ties
Today I spoke to my mother's elderly sisters who live in the west. As luck would have it they were together when I called.
I hadn't heard their voices since before Christmas, and they are my connection to the physicality, heritage, and history of my mother. One is older and the other younger than she.
Both of them understand my grief, as when their mother died, and feel their own, as sisters do. Neither has been married nor has children, yet they bring a perspective to my life from that generation that I miss with the passing of my Mom.
I will keep in touch with them, as life is short, and they are old, with health challenges of their own. A trip to see them is in my future once the Olympics have ended, and the warmer weather arrives.
As Mom always said when I planned to visit, "Make sure you call before you come"! And I laugh at the similarity.
I hadn't heard their voices since before Christmas, and they are my connection to the physicality, heritage, and history of my mother. One is older and the other younger than she.
Both of them understand my grief, as when their mother died, and feel their own, as sisters do. Neither has been married nor has children, yet they bring a perspective to my life from that generation that I miss with the passing of my Mom.
I will keep in touch with them, as life is short, and they are old, with health challenges of their own. A trip to see them is in my future once the Olympics have ended, and the warmer weather arrives.
As Mom always said when I planned to visit, "Make sure you call before you come"! And I laugh at the similarity.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
A New Year
With seven days into the new year/decade, I would have thought I'd have the sympathy cards put away by now.
Wrong; I still haven't looked at them where they lay on my mother's desk, which is the one piece of furniture I wanted.
She sat in that chair, wrote notes on that desk. It is comforting to have these solid reminders here in my space.
She also ate ice cream while sitting at that desk, and I am having difficulty removing the dried droplets without damaging the wood!! At 88 years of age her eyesight wasn't the best!
I do find my happy memories flood my mind more than tears do my eyes these days. Although at times I still think of her as being alive and find myself almost calling to talk to her.
Sometimes I scold myself for not remembering the emotions I felt the day she died. Perhaps if I recount the details aloud one day, the pain will rush back. For now, I am convincing myself it is healthy to feel better and let the guilt go.
Wrong; I still haven't looked at them where they lay on my mother's desk, which is the one piece of furniture I wanted.
She sat in that chair, wrote notes on that desk. It is comforting to have these solid reminders here in my space.
She also ate ice cream while sitting at that desk, and I am having difficulty removing the dried droplets without damaging the wood!! At 88 years of age her eyesight wasn't the best!
I do find my happy memories flood my mind more than tears do my eyes these days. Although at times I still think of her as being alive and find myself almost calling to talk to her.
Sometimes I scold myself for not remembering the emotions I felt the day she died. Perhaps if I recount the details aloud one day, the pain will rush back. For now, I am convincing myself it is healthy to feel better and let the guilt go.
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