Vulnerability

Lately, various friends have been ill with cold viruses, and I had been determined not to succumb as well.

My body has different ideas and I find myself nursing a sore throat, fever, and fatigue that precedes a full-blown illness.

The unfortunate timing will prevent me from co-facilitating the divorcecare group tonight, as I will not expose anyone else to this.

Allowing myself permission to 'vegetate' and heal, without guilt, has been a lifelong lesson for me to learn.

The 'caregiver' in me, after years of caring for family, friends and clients, is now directed at myself.

As a child, and sometimes as an adult, I would rely on my mother to provide her healing touch with her own special remedies.

Just the knowledge that she cared for me and showed me her love in this way was enough for me to feel safe and secure.

In later years, role reversal became necessary with her declining health.

This is the first time I recall having a 'cold' since her death.

I also remember times, as a young mother and wife, that I would only become ill on Mother's Day or my birthday, as if the pampering on these days could only be justified if I was unwell.

I was the 'strong' one who was the 'caregiver'. I felt my family could not afford for me to be 'vulnerable' or 'weak'.

Now 'I' am my only 'caregiver', and paradoxically, the vulnerability I feel is what provides me the strength to take care of myself . . .