For the most part, January 2010 has been very disappointing. I'm glad it ends in less than a week.
Earlier in the month, a last minute get-away was cancelled due to inclement weather; snow in the south!
Now a snowshoe weekend has been cancelled for the opposite reason; not enough snow!!
Needless to say the Haiti earthquake disaster which occurred mid-month surpasses any ordinary disappointment I have encountered.
However, I realize yet again how little in life, the weather in particular, is within my control.
Day by day is really the only way to live, as one moment at a time is all I have.
As I write this, the sun is peeking through the rain clouds, which reminds me that interspersed with disappointment are bright spots.
One such ray of sunshine was a wonderful engagement party I was fortunate enough to attend last weekend.
It is possible to feel blessed and disappointed simultaneously I find, without minimizing any of my own experiences.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Procrastination
To delay what could be done now!
Lately, well actually for quite some time, this is what I have been doing, or not doing, more to the point.
The question I put to myself is, 'why'?
It seems I need a strong motivator to push me to do what I know needs doing each day.
When someone is coming over, I am motivated to organize and clean. The amount depends on who the guest is. With family, who know me the best, less needs doing.
Housework is repetitive, and not being the perfectionist I was in my youth, it is low on my priority list.
Fun activities are worth pursuing in my mind, and if able, I will drop everything to join a group for an outdoor activity, a movie, or just to visit with a friend.
Writing is another pursuit I find is easier to engage in without much, if any, procrastination.
Preparing for the facilitation of another divorcecare session takes some prompting to come to fruition in time.
After writing this article, I think I know the answer, at least partially.
What I enjoy is considered a priority, and is done in a timely fashion. The rest can and does wait!
Does this enlightenment mean I will change? Probably not, unless motivated.
And the upside, I just realized, is that my balance is being achieved using procrastination as the filter!
Who knew how useful this 15 letter word can be?? Or is that rationalization??
Lately, well actually for quite some time, this is what I have been doing, or not doing, more to the point.
The question I put to myself is, 'why'?
It seems I need a strong motivator to push me to do what I know needs doing each day.
When someone is coming over, I am motivated to organize and clean. The amount depends on who the guest is. With family, who know me the best, less needs doing.
Housework is repetitive, and not being the perfectionist I was in my youth, it is low on my priority list.
Fun activities are worth pursuing in my mind, and if able, I will drop everything to join a group for an outdoor activity, a movie, or just to visit with a friend.
Writing is another pursuit I find is easier to engage in without much, if any, procrastination.
Preparing for the facilitation of another divorcecare session takes some prompting to come to fruition in time.
After writing this article, I think I know the answer, at least partially.
What I enjoy is considered a priority, and is done in a timely fashion. The rest can and does wait!
Does this enlightenment mean I will change? Probably not, unless motivated.
And the upside, I just realized, is that my balance is being achieved using procrastination as the filter!
Who knew how useful this 15 letter word can be?? Or is that rationalization??
Friday, January 15, 2010
Six months
My mother died on this date six months ago. With the Haitian catastrophe occurring this week, my own grief is triggered.
In addition, as January 15th arrived last night, I sat with one of my children in a hospital emergency department. Her unknown allergic reaction necessitated this visit.
As I sat there, I could feel myself becoming more agitated with each passing minute. As the clock struck midnight I realized where I was six months earlier, sleeping in the hospital where my mother died later that day.
In life, triggers of memories and emotions, both happy and sad, are a reality, and there is no escape. Being aware of what is happening helps me to cope with flashbacks.
Instead of fighting the feelings, I can acknowledge them. If the time is inconvenient to show them, I can now 'refuse delivery' and save their expression for a later time. That tells me that I am healing.
In some ways, it has been a very long six months without my mother. In another way, it seems like yesterday that we were talking and laughing together.
The sympathy cards are still there, on the desk. I did take a look at them the other day. That is progress.
My journey continues . . . .
In addition, as January 15th arrived last night, I sat with one of my children in a hospital emergency department. Her unknown allergic reaction necessitated this visit.
As I sat there, I could feel myself becoming more agitated with each passing minute. As the clock struck midnight I realized where I was six months earlier, sleeping in the hospital where my mother died later that day.
In life, triggers of memories and emotions, both happy and sad, are a reality, and there is no escape. Being aware of what is happening helps me to cope with flashbacks.
Instead of fighting the feelings, I can acknowledge them. If the time is inconvenient to show them, I can now 'refuse delivery' and save their expression for a later time. That tells me that I am healing.
In some ways, it has been a very long six months without my mother. In another way, it seems like yesterday that we were talking and laughing together.
The sympathy cards are still there, on the desk. I did take a look at them the other day. That is progress.
My journey continues . . . .
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Perspective
Just when life seems to hand me more lemons, something absolutely devastating happens, and everything is put into perspective.
The horror of the disastrous earthquake and aftershocks in Haiti is beyond words.
Occurring in one of the most populated and poorest areas in the world, the suffering is incomprehensible.
The powerlessness I feel in my inability to physically assist those in despair can only lead me to pray for those in harm's way.
All of those in need, and all of those compassionate souls who are on their way to help, are in my thoughts and prayers.
My mantra speaks to me now more than ever, 'Care deeply, love generously, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.'
The horror of the disastrous earthquake and aftershocks in Haiti is beyond words.
Occurring in one of the most populated and poorest areas in the world, the suffering is incomprehensible.
The powerlessness I feel in my inability to physically assist those in despair can only lead me to pray for those in harm's way.
All of those in need, and all of those compassionate souls who are on their way to help, are in my thoughts and prayers.
My mantra speaks to me now more than ever, 'Care deeply, love generously, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.'
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Familial ties
Today I spoke to my mother's elderly sisters who live in the west. As luck would have it they were together when I called.
I hadn't heard their voices since before Christmas, and they are my connection to the physicality, heritage, and history of my mother. One is older and the other younger than she.
Both of them understand my grief, as when their mother died, and feel their own, as sisters do. Neither has been married nor has children, yet they bring a perspective to my life from that generation that I miss with the passing of my Mom.
I will keep in touch with them, as life is short, and they are old, with health challenges of their own. A trip to see them is in my future once the Olympics have ended, and the warmer weather arrives.
As Mom always said when I planned to visit, "Make sure you call before you come"! And I laugh at the similarity.
I hadn't heard their voices since before Christmas, and they are my connection to the physicality, heritage, and history of my mother. One is older and the other younger than she.
Both of them understand my grief, as when their mother died, and feel their own, as sisters do. Neither has been married nor has children, yet they bring a perspective to my life from that generation that I miss with the passing of my Mom.
I will keep in touch with them, as life is short, and they are old, with health challenges of their own. A trip to see them is in my future once the Olympics have ended, and the warmer weather arrives.
As Mom always said when I planned to visit, "Make sure you call before you come"! And I laugh at the similarity.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
A New Year
With seven days into the new year/decade, I would have thought I'd have the sympathy cards put away by now.
Wrong; I still haven't looked at them where they lay on my mother's desk, which is the one piece of furniture I wanted.
She sat in that chair, wrote notes on that desk. It is comforting to have these solid reminders here in my space.
She also ate ice cream while sitting at that desk, and I am having difficulty removing the dried droplets without damaging the wood!! At 88 years of age her eyesight wasn't the best!
I do find my happy memories flood my mind more than tears do my eyes these days. Although at times I still think of her as being alive and find myself almost calling to talk to her.
Sometimes I scold myself for not remembering the emotions I felt the day she died. Perhaps if I recount the details aloud one day, the pain will rush back. For now, I am convincing myself it is healthy to feel better and let the guilt go.
Wrong; I still haven't looked at them where they lay on my mother's desk, which is the one piece of furniture I wanted.
She sat in that chair, wrote notes on that desk. It is comforting to have these solid reminders here in my space.
She also ate ice cream while sitting at that desk, and I am having difficulty removing the dried droplets without damaging the wood!! At 88 years of age her eyesight wasn't the best!
I do find my happy memories flood my mind more than tears do my eyes these days. Although at times I still think of her as being alive and find myself almost calling to talk to her.
Sometimes I scold myself for not remembering the emotions I felt the day she died. Perhaps if I recount the details aloud one day, the pain will rush back. For now, I am convincing myself it is healthy to feel better and let the guilt go.
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