Fall Again

As September fades and another month advances, I feel a little like 'fall' myself.

At the risk of 'feeling sorry for myself', I will anyway.

Each of us is entitled to curl up in the fetal position and hibernate once in a while.

Too many losses occurring simultaneously can cause that reaction in me, as the sadness of every loss I have ever experienced is easily triggered when I feel overwhelmed.

Today is one of those times.

I wish my Mom were here to listen to me, or just to hear her talk would be comforting.

My Dad's reassuring voice and sense of humour would lighten my load as well.

In reality, at this moment in time, there is no living person who can give me the unconditional emotional support I need. That is a lonely feeling.

Spiritually, I can get what I need. Physically and emotionally I cannot.

My friends and family are involved in their own 'situations' and are 'unavailable' to me. In fact some of them need me and my strength.

I know logically that 'this too will pass', yet right now it is a painful process.

I still have my appetite which is a good sign. And I can count my blessings.

Perspective is always comforting.

The weather is cooperating with no rain today. The sun will shine.

I just need to 'let go' and allow these waves to crash into me if need be, knowing I will not drown. I haven't yet!

I am a survivor and have much to offer others in this life.

My purpose for having this gift of life is unfolding as it is intended, I do believe, and will be revealed to me as time goes on.

To accept this gift is to live my life for me. That is after all, what a gift is; free, with no 'strings' attached.

As I enjoy my life, the light and love I feel freely flows to others, which is the by-product. Perhaps that is the purpose . . .

I just feel the need to ask for a little help from another human being to change my course again.

Someone who is non-judgemental, objective, and can feed back my thoughts to me will be my choice. A dash of sensitivity is also a prerequisite.

I have always told others that to seek help when one needs it is a real sign of strength, not weakness.

I will practise what I preach.

Loss is Constant

The friend I have known the longest, and who probably knows me best, is moving thousands of miles away this week.

I have helped her with sorting/packing as much as I could, while maintaining a positive outlook.

It will be a good move for her, back to her home where family awaits.

And yet she leaves her 'family' of friends behind, whom she has accumulated over a multitude of decades.

Speaking for myself, I will be at a 'loss' without her nearby.

That is what I am feeling today. Grief for this loss, another change in my life.

Recently, I had to let go of the 'dream' of having a loving relationship with someone who had become a 'habit' in my life. Another loss.

As it turns out, many of my perceptions of this individual were inaccurate in reality.

It is easy to love the positive traits in another, and more difficult to embrace the 'whole' person.

I do have a way of accepting others 'unconditionally', which at times 'comes back to bite me', as some of these people are unable to return this kind of acceptance.

There are people in my life who repeat hurtful patterns of behaviour toward me.

Each time it has happened, I have forgiven them, with the hope that history would not repeat itself. Inevitably it does.

Some people do not change. I would ascertain that these individuals do not know themselves well enough to acknowledge or to assume responsibility for their hurtful behaviour.

One reason for this 'blind spot' is that they have an 'image' to uphold to themselves and to others in their world. To realize that they are doing something that disrespects another, would not 'fit' with their perception of themselves.

Another reason for this denial is that these persons view themselves as 'victims' when it involves being hurt, and they are unable in this particular stance to take ownership for their behaviour when it is hurtful to another.

Regardless of the reason(s) causing the behaviour, I have come to realize that I owe it to myself to no longer 'trust' someone who has repeatedly broken my trust and disrespected me.

Betrayal of my trust shows me that someone is untrustworthy.

Respect for myself necessitates that I distance myself from these persons, even when I love them.

Not only is change a constant in this life (even though some refuse to change their behaviour); losses in life are as well.

Sunshine

Fourteen months have now passed with my Mom's own passing.

I have been travelling since my last post.

Wherever I went, although the forecast unpredictable and sometimes grim, sunshine welcomed me.

I recall that was the nickname given to my mother in her adolescent youth, "Sunshine", by the travellers and diners in restaurants where she waitressed.

Her smile obviously warmed the hearts of many who saw the sun shining in her face no matter what the weather.

I felt the warmth of her love along the way no matter how far I traversed.

My soul is at peace today with treasured memories easing the twinges of pain tugging at my heart.

A little rain in the form of teardrops will quickly dry in the warmth of my mother's "sunshine".